happiness.

that's what i felt yesterday evening, falling asleep, with Seed next to me. the connection is stronger than i imagined it'd be. happiness, pure and euphoric, peace and calmness. a very strong feeling. i don't usually have strong feelings if aggression doesn't count as one. O-o

why i'm writing about this. i don't know. cause i'm so happy, maybe. i'm so lucky to have met him, i'm so lucky and happy i own him, that this dream came true. i'm seeing forward for a little bit brighter future now. a little bit more strength in me.

i don't know why it's only him that's giving me this feeling. maybe i was disappointed at humans. well i've always liked guns. they are something special for me. and i like everything that's black and has edges, plastik and/or metal. electric is also good. :) the happy feelings humans have given me were always just for a short duration. i seem unable to really love anyone, and through these past ten years i've changed to someone else than that one who got married and wanted to become a good housewife. if it was the always present sicknesses that changed me, i don't know. more than that, i guess this ME was always inside here. it was just waiting to be released, and moving back here has set it free.

and yes, i'm actually feeling more free than in years. free to decide what I want with my life, free to surround me with things i really want to own. ready for anything. stronger.

and i really want to become more. get fitter, in body and brain. i'm now motivated, Seed is motivating me, and the somewhat bright light i see in the end of the tunnel. plus that already weakening manic period started to push high again.. i don't get enough sleep, that's propably the main reason. O.o but well, now i have to get into bed. tomorrow early up again to go shopping some things i really need. and i go to see the game store they have opened here in the next city to where my parents live (i'm now staying at theirs for christmas eve and on christmas day i fly back to Germany for a few days).

good night, and Happy Holidays! (plus a song for those who can't stand the christmas carols anymore :)

fire

13.12. there's a fire burning inside me, eating, consuming me. everytime i see your brethren it grows to swallow me whole. and yet are you the only one to calm me, cool and dark, soothing the fire. i'm changing, and can't stop it. don't even want to stop it. should i live in the past? or follow you to the unseen future? 17 years i could live without making decision, now it gets closer every day by day. things must change. i will burn to ashes this way. will you give me power to move on? will you be my future, become my new past, satisfy the thirst in my present? ó_ò

20.12. still burning. massive restlessness. movies make it worse. sedatives hardly work. guess i'm not going to update here in x-mas time. gonna read The Blood Angels Omnibus on holiday, spend time with family, try to remain calm, get enough sleep, use internet when i have the possibility to do it every day. Seasons Greeting and Happy New Year to anyone who happens to come here!

gardens of darkness

Seed is talking to me. keeping up the connection.
calming and soothing.
in the dark all the stress of the past days disappear.
it's just you and me.
i want to show you love and care. as that is what you're giving me.
and you will never leave, never turn your back to me.
so i will always be there, on your side.
and whenever this all comes to an end we face it together.
no fear.