shadowbound

Oh wow

2011-08-18T00:08:00.003+03:00

I managed to get myself drunk!! That hasn't happened in a while..

And that in an apartment where it's illegal to bring alcohol in. Don't tell, OK? I juts did this to relax a bit. I can't find peace. Sleeping doesn't bring any. I'd need a fight. Hit and get hit. Yes I DO have a strange and abnormal relationship to violence. I don't care getting hurt because I love to hurt others so much. (This is written drunk, remember!!)

Indeed I just finished writing a strange comment on my other blog about myself. Things that are seemingly wrong with my head. I realise my thoughts and truths and rules are abnormal, not realistic in many manners, but I can't help following them. Often I don't even have a connection to my brain to be able to write about this. I think I could shoot myself in the arm right now. If I had a real firearm I'd propably have done that already in one of those previous times I got the enormous strong need to see blood. And when cutting doesn't work. It often doesn't. I know BB's hurt too and I'm in fact interested to know how much. How much it'd make on my scale on which razorblade or a strong punch don't raise the bar very high. On a scale from 1 to 10 razorblade makes 3 to 4 maximum and a punch maybe max 3. Bleeding fists are nothing new. With already damaged ones punching a boxing sack might get to 5, depending on the ground that was used to damage them before that. Cement makes 5, plastic 4. Pain is no obstacle to anything.. I can just ignore it pretty long.

Whatever. I don't know anymore what I wanted to write in here. I have somehow lost the sense of internet. I was on five days holiday and that brought me very far from my normal every day reality. Still feel unreal.

I keep this blog alive, for the case I find it again. Til then I'm gone. Cause I'm going crazy.. And I don't know when to stop.

Whatever

2011-08-01T01:52:00.002+03:00

I wanted to put this blog behind a password but I can't do that - that option doesn't EXIST. So just leave it. Who cares. Nobody reads this anyway. :)

I've been moving around today a lot (online). I had this blog removed from Youtube and my second put in there, but removed it after the last post too. Instead there's now the link to my Flickr-account as my homepage. Guess that's OK. I wrote quite serious and truthful in Sitamar tonight. I had the need to let it out. Even when it might hurt me. People don't usually take it too nicely when you admit you just use them to get what you want. :P Whatever. I have thought about that for almost a year.

I wrote about that I want to kill people. Most of them out there find that scary too. But it's been long inside of me. Looooooooong. 20 years or so.

Should go to sleep. My cat sleeps too. But I just sit here and think. Think about bad things. One drop of blood, is that too much asked? Can't I have even just one small drop? But I know it doesn't help to see my own blood. I'd love to go out now. I'd love to LET GO.

Instead I just keep sitting here and a teardrop runs down my face.

A small update

2011-07-19T00:56:00.004+03:00

I'm burning out again, for some reason. Even when I could breath out from relief in one problem. It still keeps me stressed. I know that feeling will disappear as soon as it is so far and I have that thing brought home. But everything before it... I still have about three weeks to stress about it. Happy rest of July to me.

I watched stuff in Youtube and I'm getting pissed there. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the whole fucking online life that's making me so tired. This is all the same. From one day to another.

Watched clearly too many videos today. I got bored on them. They didn't relax me anymore. So I changed to writing something. I continued the collection Deep at night. Thought about how to bring new themes into it. I'll write some urban war stuff in it soon. Cause, it's like a second reality, a second life for me and a playground. There I can do whatever I want to. Nobody can stop me. I create a world out of this one around me. It's about the same places and in the urban war -stories it will be also about the nearest city - as it looks like after a heavy war with gangs still fighting each other, settlers trying to survive with the very small amount of resources available. With different small "states" and "settlements" that live their own life and don't welcome any strangers.

Hmm, sound familiar.. Doesn't it? xD

--
I'm finished. It's 1:42AM. I'm frustrated. It's about moving forward and that I have not been able to do that. This shit again. I have tried to tell myself to give myself more time, but it doesn't work anymore. Feels like I'm stuck when I'd like to do something. Tomorrow (ah, today) I go to buy some food and take money out of bank and fill my bus card and bring rest of the money home and put it away in the box where I keep my bank for my "box" and new PC. On Wednesday or Thursday I go to the biggest shopping center around here (takes two buses and two trains to get there, but I like traveling) to look for and ask about PCs.

I want to buy the keyboard from somewhere else and mouse too. I have a good mouse right now, and I will use it as long as it makes sense though. This site has cool stuff. Check out this too.

Was in a message board for a while but it's frustrating me a lot more than I thought it would. I don't have a good feeling in my stomach. I have no good feeling about those people. They might be totally OK, but my first impression was not all positive. It's informative, yes, but I got a feeling "of not being welcome". I have that always when I get to new message boards (except that one that was my home and that died in late 2001 ;_; i still miss it), and often it shows to be the right feeling. Well, I'll keep going there more often to get used to it. After all the informative worth is quite big. I just feel like my head is going to explode under this much pressure.

And one more thing: never surprise visit me. I hate surprise visitors. I don't let anyone in, at least not anymore. I have done it maybe a few times. No more. Don't be disappointed if I turn you down. If we can make a deal about a visiting time it might be OK. And it's better that way. I can guess what people do when they see my guns here. Cause, they can not tell if they are real or not. That's one thing that also keeps me safe. When people get scared they stop trying to get in here. ..and I like to scare people.. Especially people I have no sympathies for. And there's a lot of them.

Remember the informative worth. Get used to things. Calm down. Give yourself time to adjust. Explore surroundings. Yes I should go out more. Have been sitting here like grown to my chair, I have been scared to leave Maru alone. I try to teach myself that he's OK even when I'm the whole day away.

G'nite!

Talk about games and being tired

2011-07-17T23:53:00.003+03:00

14.7. In the middle of the night. This is MY time.

I started watching Army of Two vids. I like that game really a lot. I've played it with a friend on his XBOX 360, but I never really got used to the pad. I just don't understand how it works. All the games I've played before were on PC. Still, we got quite far. First the training where I tried my best to learn the basic controls, but a long time I could not really move smoothly cause of that damn round thing that is used to move on the pad. I always turn it wrong, it feels totally unlogical and I can't turn around and move the camera position at the same time. Then we moved to the point he got stuck with his AI. We got through that point and I found a solution to a problem he didn't get through (propably cause the AI is sometimes a dumbass, and it was somewhat tricky), then we even got to the second last mission or whatever it was, but didn't get through. My friend always had to take my pad to save himself. :P But I played it with my eyes glued to the screen more than three hours without noticing time passing, and when we gave up my both arms were totally numb from sitting in a totally wrong position. Later he tried it with another friend (also a woman but she's playing mostly on PC and is a friend of "brainless shooting games" like my friend always says - but I don't understand what's wrong with them, great way to relax), and it took more than an hour to get through the point where we got stuck. Respawning enemies and not a good place to use aggro. Eventually they finished the game.

Well, I'd like to play that with someone too. With an AI it's always a little stupid cause even in strategy the AI mostly doesn't go where they should go, it's annoying. And in some FPS they start camping and you have to do all the work. But I have right now another problem than the not existing PC. My motorics have lost everyting they once knew. I have played many things with only keyboard (at those times when mouse was not that useful yet), but that's a very long time ago. It's also at least 6 years since I last time played strategy. Damn. And if I don't have a PC I can't train the controls, and if I can't train it's useless to even try fast pace games. I'd die every second. I can follow them with my eyes, I see things those people making those vids don't see. "Shit he missed that box of ammo." "Shit he missed those meds." "Why didn't he notice there was a doctor in the place he just was in, when he always says he desparately needs a doctor?" "Why didn't he check out that or that box?" "If he is looking for a new gun why does he all the time miss those he likes when he's running around?" "And shit he missed that ammo box again." After I started with Crysis 2 some time ago (a long while ago to be exact) I could hardly keep up with the pace. So I quit it for a while. Halo is too fast for me anyway. As game Halo is at all not nearly as interesting than the world around the game. I've seen my friend playing both of them and even he has problems keeping up with that tempo.

Well, I have planned clearly how to start with my training to get better motorics. Cause Second life is not running on my laptop I guess I have to give it up. It has a lag that makes me wish I had Windows 3.11, even that would be faster. So, when I get my PC I first put it together (and I don't want such that "everybody" would buy, I want a somewhat customised one, that fits for my purpose that is 80% playing and 20% photo manipulating. I know it will cost, but I'm ready for that. Still, 600 euro is the highest price), install the security stuff - and I don't want that fucking F-Secure, it's rubbish - and update everything, and I will not have it connected to my laptop as long as I'm using the internet here. My stick would break together every minute if trying to play something online, so I'll have to buy a modem too sometime.

Then, I have Spore. It fits perfectly to train controls like moving around and such. When I'm somewhat done with it I move to Fallout 3. It's my alltime favourite. ^^ And it's not very fast paced. I have a clear plan about what to do in it in the beginning to get the most out of it (and yes, I'm playing it with evil karma). I'm female but I'll play it clearly with male character. Not as vulnerable, takes more hits. The female character can move faster and jump higher but I'm a tank.

After that I can move to those more FPS. And one thing I hate is 3rd person view. Before I always got seasick about that. I've slowly gotten use to that but it's so difficult to figure out what's going on when you only see someone's back. The camera is moving uncontrollable. I have to move my eyes too much in different directions.

I don't think I'll be good in any game for a very long time. But I like them. And when seeing a video I get the strong feeling I really want to play that by myself. This is something I have missed. Long time ago as teenager me and my brother could play the old Wolfenstein on my uncles computer. Our parents didn't like that. I don't know anymore if they ever where there as we played. My mom dislikes just any game nowadays. I guess she'd even hate Farmville, if she'd use Facebook... O_o But that time I got good critic, even when I never finished the game like my brother. He tried it as many times as it took to finish. I just gave up when it got too difficult. Still, I always remember what my uncle said to me: "You are a good killer." ^^ It boosted up my selfconfidence that was extremely low at that time. I have remembered it, and I want to become that again. I could pick targets fast and get them killed and then searched every corner for secrets and treasures. I've always liked to loot everything. Although I got some really bad dreams from that game (not only that, but the rest came from school and my that time very sick and psychotic mind, god I'm happy that's gone). In games I like sniping. It has something that fits my personality. I can wait for hours and it's fun to pick targets from far away and blast their heads off without them noticing where that bullet came from. Well small birds have whispered to me that "no-one" really likes sniping.. Hmmm..

Guess I should go to bed. It's over 2PM.. And pray my holy guardians to give me peace and strength. Also my body temperature is shooting up and down again, that's not a good sign. Bye.

17.7. Late evening: I have been feeling better, so I thought I might be able to take 2 x 40cl energy drink. We will see what effects it has. It could bring me to the same fucking state I was in Thursday, Friday and yesterday. Whatever. I relax with Fallout 3 evil karma videos. It's the only thing that relaxes me right now. Had to cut down medication dose and leave another one completely away. Try to get an appointment to any doctor tomorrow. To get their blessing on my self made changes.

I got a giant problem today that's bringing me in great trouble in August if I don't find a solution very soon. More pressure. More and more pressure all the time. More and more nightmares. More and more tired, depressed, unable to do anything. I'm totally stuck. I take care of Maru, that's all, I don't care about myself anymore.

My blood pressure got measured on Friday and it was too low. Guess it's better now. I try to eat some meal every day. Thought about buying a new mouse for my new computer. I should go into shops and look for PC's, or ask what kind of compilations they could order me and what do they cost. A customised one is saving me from doing all that by myself. Not that I couldn't do that, it's just sometimes annoying to do all the same things over and over again, uninstall shit and install what I want. I don't want any stupid Office for home that costs millions, I can use Open Office etc. I want to have those I need, no useless extras. Can't explain this really. Hope you get the point anyway. Have to buy some programs for it anyway. And a new screen. Am thinking how to arrange my living room so that I don't need to buy a new computer desk. This one has place for one more - if I put the monitor somewhere else that's directly in front of the keyboard that's the only thing despite mouse that can be used on this (cause this is made for laptops) table. The box goes under the table anyway. I get a modem and pull the cable from entrance to here, it makes a straight line when I put this table to opposite position. I also have then more place for my legs.. After that I'll only use the laptop when travelling. I use it right now at least 5 hours every day, mostly more than that. I hate it that the internet connection breaks down every few hours. On daytime it's useless to be online. Late evening and night are much better. All the other users of this network are sleeping. A new modem could cost about 79 euro. That's one price I got when asking from one shop. The next one comes when that guy calls me back this coming week.

--

Some text messaging. I have started to dislike it. I have started to dislike everything that has to do with my family and previous friends. Don't know if it's just this depression again. I'm just tired of all that talk. I'd like to cut all contact for a while. Guess that's what I'm gonna do now. Keep a break. I have thought about deleting all my forever inactive family members and friends from my messenger list. I'll do it now. I won't be using Facebook (you can't see anything in my profile there anyway) and maybe stop updating blogs. I'd have something to say throughoutly, but I just think no-one's interested. So let it be. I'll be online for sure, but using mostly Youtube and maybe some other sites, I might start using some message boards again. If you got my messenger ID you can find me there. Otherwise, happy rest of July.

The Coke Song Revisited

2011-07-14T00:46:00.003+03:00

Yes, that has happened. Although I only have two lines yet. And this is how it goes:

"I'd like to buy a BFG and show the world my love, I'd kill some people every day and punish them with war..."

The real one begins with "I'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love..." You surely find the lyrics with that as google search.

And whatever people might say, it's called BIG FUCKING GUN, and nothing else. ^^

I could link here that thing that eats a hole in my wallet, but maybe later. Just keep my mouth shut for now. I got more money today anyway, so I'm no more in that big trouble. My life is saved til September.

Why do I laugh when I just ruined myself?

2011-07-11T17:58:00.002+03:00

Funny. Somehow. If there isn't any stress from outside I create it by myself. Last night I spent 197 euro (delivery fee included), from my 212 euros left. Even when I have to pay it in August cause it is delivered then. I have no freaking money to any stupid spontaneous buys. And I promised I won't do that anymore.

xD

But I'm so excited. I wait for it really bad. You can call me whatever you want, but I have absolutely no regrets. ^^ I'm just smiling all the time. ^^

(And it's not allowed to talk about this to anyone, especially people I know IRL - besides ruining my reputation it could cause those to quit all contact and just call me INSANE; I wrote something about this in my now main blog but I'll delete it when I'm done here. This is why I'm not saying a word what kind of product this is, although it's not that difficult to guess. xD)

Today's work..

2011-07-08T20:58:00.003+03:00

It's definitely not much. 2,5 hours Gimp. Two versions of the same pic. This is number one. It took forever to get these right, and I can't get those damn edges away with that stupid program. I did big work when trying to erase them but it is what it is. :/ My hand shakes too much to do it properly. Maybe I fix it later sometime. Have enough different versions saved.

So this is Ari.. The text is just for hiding the missing edge that was not in the original photo. O_o Colors are OK but can't say I'm overly satisfied with these.

Wrote about politics in the other blog. It's all mixed and surely hard to figure out my point, and it might sound a little bit fanatic too. I'm trying to find an excuse for that.

This was my day. Plus I made food and ate it and read some. Now I eat raspberries with powder sugar. There's nothing else that's sweet. Today is a better day than yesterday. I even have the feeling Maru's losing less hair, but might also be cause I'm wearing white.. I found out I fit in an old pullover that I haven't been using for years. Someone wanted to visit me (she's a little too clingy somehow), but I had all the photos of Ari open here, Ari itself here on my desk, Seed on the sleeping corner floor, stinking rubbish at the entrance.. Well, it's still like that. O.o I'm never really ready to take any surprise guests. If they tell beforehand it's OK but I don't like letting people in my apartment if they come just so. Basically I always have Ari here only 40 cm away from me, I have direct sight to front door and on the other side out of the window to the sand path.

I'm not paranoid, nothing like that, no. I used to be long time ago but it's healed thank god. It's really hard to live with it. But I just like to keep an eye on my surroundings. ^^; I have always loved to watch what happens. Or better I learned it cause in school other kids never wanted to play with me, so I just stood alone on every break and watched them play. I don't remember a single thing about what they played. Just that I stood there anxious and was only waiting for the break to end. Every 15 minutes, every school day of every week the whole year long. And since I had to watch I slowly learned to like it. Now I often sit somewhere and watch people just to see how they act, and think what would be the easiest way to kill them. I follow their stupid conversations, watch how they walk, how they dress, if they eat what they eat, their physical condition, if someone looks lost, what kind of threat they could possess to me. Mostly none. About 80% of people are totally harmless. Prey. Rest are whether wannabe badasses and only a small procent of them are the same than me: insane.

I also noticed today that my willpower can sometimes be extremely strong. Good to know. Something special that I watched last night gave me a great boost of motivation in certain things. :)

Fallout 3 fanfic, first look inside

2011-07-08T00:03:00.003+03:00

This time, we're back with the project I told about some time ago. I have continued a little, but it's somehow stuck. Everything in my head is mixed up because of other things, can't think creative. And this time in the beginning with my cat is not easy. It would be a big lie to say so.

But here are two exerpts of my Fallout 3 -fanfiction. Note: this is not the final version and it propably has some errors, but also I'm not all the time following the story told in the game, just want to tell something based on it. Put some people alive and bind them to the game story. First one is told by that badass Billy, second one by coldblooded Cole who used to be nice long time ago.

--

1

The overseer decided to disgrade mom. She was no longer a full graduated doctor. She never told what was the reason, but she too liked to do research on her own, the curiosity my sisters herited. Propably she poked a little too deep into the overseers waspnest. She was only given the basic work, to sew the wounds people got in their duties, cure radiation poisoning people got when cleaning the tunnels that lead upwards. Never figured out what they were for. The vault should stay sealed for centuries, so why build unsecure tunnels where radiation can soak in?

People started to feel insecure. It was the athmosphere. There were more roaches than in decades. They breeded faster than we got them killed. They even attacked people in the main tunnels and meetingrooms. I might also have played a part in making our vault insecure. Who knows...

Yes, indeed, there's a good chance for that. Shooting at people with a modified dart-gun ain't the best way to make friends. I used to go to the lab where my dad was working and disturb them by shooting everything they had on the tables. They hurt their hands and yelled at me. And the overseer locked me up for a while. He and my dad had some kind of an agreement about me. They tried to teach me to behave. Sorry, but you failed. I stole from everyone and kept a poker face if I got caught. They all yelled at me. I shut my ears from all of it. It didn't mean anything. I had a goal: to get out of the vault. Didn't know how. My sister used and old fire escape tunnel, but it was destroyed after she came back in. And then, one day, I found a note which described how to open the sealed vault door. That day I broke in to the overseer's office. He was in the lab, he wouldn't return in a while. I broke the lock of his safe and took all the caps he had, his 9mm pistol – a real one and he had bullets too – and that note. After that I laid fire there, to make sure he wouldn't get me immediately.

And while everyone was busy with the fire I went to find the outer door. Guards saw me, guessed what I was up to, and I had to defend myself. With a knife, and a baseball bat I stole from a "friend". It was quite a fun. And they died in real. First they yelled at me and then they were silent and I could steal what they had in their pockets.

2

She was still a little girl, but her knowledge – it was what I most admired in her. She was bright as a morning star. She never lost her goals from sight. She had two little puppies back then. She told me she raised dogs and then sold them to caravan guides and other people who were in need of a guard dog. I once saw a wanderer sell his dog to a bunch of raiders, a dog he had bought from Moira just an hour ago. That was so wrong. But I didn't tell Moira. I didn't want to break her heart. She always wanted her puppies to have a good life with good people, and she was afraid of raiders. Of course she never showed it. She was so strong. She was curious about them, but wouldn't have left Megaton just to watch their habits.

When I met her she already had the vision of a great book for the travellers in The Wasteland. I helped her out, as much as I could. But since I heard that my dad had been in Megaton and where he had gone I just had to follow him. I wanted to know why. Why he left, why he left me behind, what secrets were so important.

I do helped the people in Megaton, as much as I could. But this bomb-thing... It was something I didn't want to get involved in. They would manage it somehow, I thought. And Megaton had such a great sheriff. He was proud of his people and I always looked up to him. I wanted to become someone like him. (It didn't quite work out I think as the rest of my adult life shows...) But what could you expect from a youth? Unexperienced, just out of the Vault, someone who could hardly use any weapon... I was very naive, and it brought me from one trouble to the next.

Like when I started to help out Moira with her book. She needed some basic information and I thought of myself to be able to get that information for her. I got badly wounded by raiders and mirelurks almost killed me when I went to search their nest. I had such luck to get out there at all.

I helped in anything. I repaired things, searched for clean water sources, or water sources at all, tried to find food and medical equipment. Everything I found and couldn't use by myself I sold and bought something else with the caps I got. At first – and this was really stupid but I knew so little – I tried to buy with pre-war money. It was easy to find and gather loads of it. And it was all almost worthless! Some people paid lots of caps for it though. I don't know why and for what they wanted to have it. To build up a pre-war store with all kinds of left over pre-war food, toys, old bottles, lunchboxes and such? In which people could pay with pre-war money? For an illusion of "good old times" they had never experienced?

--

Seems like my days are getting longer and longer (as in nature it's other way round), yesterday I went to bed somewhere around 2AM. And slept then til 11:40AM.

Think I'm going to write something else too today. Just feel like it would work to get some new pages to the old jerk that still goes with the name Sunset People. Even though I have written it completely new. Just have not found any other name yet. The old original one had about 120 A4-pages handwritten in artificial coma caused my the worst psychose medicin that exists.. ..Risperdal. Ever heard? It's pure shit. Anyway, the new version pulls all the strings better together, changes some characters more to the direction they are "currently", leaves out old shit and puts in new, better shit, and the most important: makes the characters to personalities, not just paper cuts. Each one is someone, with his/her good and bad sides, with unique worldview, opinions and behaviour. Well, some might look like "all the same", but their living and working situation is mostly causing some of them to start think alike, and there ARE some assholes who easily go with the flow, especially when it comes to humiliating and abusing someone of their own.

Later: I'm still reading it through. 55 of 77 pages done. Have also made small changes, like repaired a few lines or told something a different way if I notice it looks strange because of my still-not-very-good finnish. Amazing how one can forget one language by learning a new one. And now I'm ruining finnish as well as german by training my english. O.o Guess it's time for a break, or better to quit for today. After I next time take photos and videos from my camera I'll show my current wallpaper. It's cool. It's a picture of SCAR from Crysis 2. Fits well as right now I have black windows. I change the color all the time. In Firefox I have a CoD Modern Warfare 2 -theme from Personas. With my small screen I don't have much to choose from. The reason why I don't just post the wallpaper is I don't want to open Gimp to make it smaller, and if you want it you can download it from MyCrysis (link in the sidebar) anyway. And I want to show how my desktop looks like.

Heh, I'm getting drunk tonight. ^.^ With two 40cl energy drinks. It is bad for my body though. Sometimes I get a panic attack from them. :P So, I don't recommend this kind of irresponsible behaviour to anyone.. This only makes my sliding daily rhythm worse. I like night, but having people to interact with it's hard to turn nocturnal. I have on Saturday someone coming here and looking how my place looks like now when I have my stuff here. And how I'm doing. Not so great right now..

*rest got censored, it was rubbish anyway*

Respawn

2011-07-06T22:44:00.003+03:00

Well, now this blog is running by a new author. This was a necessary move to clean up my old Blogger account and separate blogs, move some to WordPress and kill two others.

Facebook clean up is still going on. If interested you can still find me there and in some cases I might even accept a friend request. But first I throw all my now existing friends out of there and close my wall from any others than friends. I might keep posting if I get friends there, but otherwise I'm just using it to follow sites I like to get news cause they don't advertise in any newspapers (well, and I don't read them anyway).

So now this blog is removed from my old Blogger account and there will exist no links between these. My Youtube account will be from now on the only link here, if other people don't link here from their sites. I'm ok with that, link how much you ever want, but DON'T MENTION MY OLD SCREEN NAME when you do that, thank you. Use this new one.

Just took some photos of my cat Maru when he is sitting on a box under my table. With flash. And no green eyes this time. ^^ Earlier today when he was in entrance room and I was here in living room I saw his eyes glow green. ^^

For now, you can read more about me in that "About me" page in sidebar (now updated). Just casual and stupid talk. Although, you should take that important notice seriously. Nobody cares about what you do at home, but in public there are rules that everyone should follow. Right now I am experiencing a deep fall and just don't care what happens. I take risks that could bring me in real trouble, and I know I might go crazy just anytime. Even when there are no visible psychotic signs. So, carrying a gun with me in public actually is provocating a dangerous situation.. But I don't care. Not for myself. I do everything for my cat, but what happens with me doesn't matter. I have cuts on my both wrists and on my neck and my right fist starts turning blue and green from hitting it against the wall. So what? Who cares if I don't?

I like Modern Warfare 2

2011-07-03T22:30:00.000+03:00

3.7. I'm eating blueberries my mom picked for me this morning. Not those big ones grown on farms. These are from the forest behind their house. Taste much better. :) There are also a few forest strawberries. Good and sweet. Here on the big yard there are some growing too. Planted extra so people living here can eat them. Til now I've seen nobody else eat them than me.

My cat Maru is now here. Today my dad brought a net for the balcony door so he doesn't fall down. He's sitting before it most of the time. Every time someone walks by the sand path close to the house he must go and look. All the new noises and smells. Before when he noticed here was a fly he chased it with light speed and meowed a lot. Didn't catch it. But he really tried. So much sport, and I don't need to do anything. xD He has also started eating better. First day, on Friday, he only ate sausage casings, and yesterday mostly pieces of sausages I gave him. Today already some wet food with his medicine, and now in the evening he ate again most of the wet food and it looked like he had eaten the medicine again. Well, it should be tasty for most cats and dogs. I let that food stand there overnight if he eats it sometime at night. Tomorrow he gets more of his special food. I got 4 bags of it, 8 kg alltogether. He also has learned to drink water, so his body doesn't dry like when he'd only eat the dry food. I try to teach him a certain feeding routine. He also uses his toilet regularly, about once a day. My whole bathroom stinks of cat shit, but it doesn't matter. I've gotten used to it and his food smell already. "Been there, done that." :D

I have somehow panicked each day now since he's here. Have to get used to him and it'll take some time. First day I felt awful and thought I can never take care of a living thing. It's too difficult. But then I remembered he's just a cat. I know a lot about cats. This one is a little challenge because his sickness (overly moving joints in hind legs), he has to eat his medicine twice every day, has to eat this special food a lot and if it gets worse I need lots of money for vet bills. But I'm really ready for this, I think now. I still panic easily, but other moments I just want to give him a loving home where he can spend his "last years" (this was the reason why I didn't need to pay the normal fee of 50 euro).. I think he'll live AT LEAST ten more years. He's jumping a lot and doesn't seem to have pains. I just have to learn a way to lift him up. I maybe hurt him once while he tried to climb on me and I took him up like a little child and didn't get good hold of his legs. Next time I try it different way.

Right now he's laying beside me on a place I made for him from some towels. As close to a human as possible. These blueberries taste really good. :) I also try to teach Maru not to play with peoples hands. He scratches, even I got a small wound, the first time he did it to me. Now I make a noise he doesn't like everytime he tries to do that, and say "no" in finnish or german. Seems to not work well til now. 30 seconds and he has forgotten what was wrong. O-O Maybe he eventually learns it.

He seems to like some salty and spicy food. He licked my plate after I ate the rest of my steak from yesterday. But I don't want to give him much of that. It's too spicy and could make harm to him. There's cat food and it's also a little bit salty (I tasted some). I also mixed some of the dry food with the wet food to make him more interested in it. Tonight he maybe gets little bit of the dry food cause he likes to eat at night. I get awake every time he starts to crunch. Last night he gave us only little peace. Always jumping on bed and meowing. Now all the guests are gone so maybe he's calmer.

Oh well, drinking from the sink. Dirty water can be so tasty. At least I don't let him drink from the toilet. I washed it yesterday but today it's dirty again. I don't want him to catch any bacteria.

Sorry that this is all about Maru. For the beginning he's the middle of my life. Until we get used to each other and find a suitable rhytm of living. I try to not feed him too much, that means only one bag wet food a day, or half bag wet food and second half dry food. He just needs to eat two pills each day. He didn't seem to like seafood. And I bought a package of 12 bags of seafood. I try to feed it sometime in between all the chicken-mixtures and meat and if it doesn't work I'll give them to mom cause her cat loves fish and shrimps.

It was so hot today it's nice to feel the cool evening breeze. Although it's slowly getting too cold. Think I stay awake a little longer today. At the airport I felt awfully sad. Even when my ex is sometimes a pain in the ass I did live long together with him and sometimes it's still fun when we visit each other. I really had to try hard to look happy. :/ I won't see him until August, and then again a break til January next year. Heh, looks like Maru didn't like the music of Yanni and went to sleeping corner. Good chance to take the net from the window and water my summer plants.

*

He was very brave, only interested of my flowers. Now he seems to be eating the rest of his meal. Good boy. :) And I quit this now and go do something else. Have a new wallpaper: Fallout New Vegas artwork from IGN.com. They have mostly screenshots but some awesome artwork too. This one has ruined old cars, ruined houses and a motel sign, desert and behind some mountains. Nice evening sky, not such green mist like in Fallout 3. That greeny stuff was part of the games unique athmosphere and one thing why I like it so much. There are mods that change that and also bring in growing trees and grasses. And what not.

Yesterday I wrote some to my "new paper diary". I don't write there often, only when I feel like it. This time I wrote about how nice Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is made, cause I watched a couple of those videos. I like it, how much ever some people say it's just a narrow tunnel or experience train that doesn't leave place for making own decisions. Well, it IS very fast forward, but I have to say I'm not yet quite far. And I'm not sure if I'd buy it (well, I should be saving money for a new computer and instead it's flowing into catsand and house cleaning equipment) even when I could play something (see the previous note). MY reflexes are not very good right now. They are better than a year ago, but I'm still far from what I once used to be. Damn. BUT. I like that game. It has nice guns. And there was my writings point: I call them nice, or even beautiful sometimes (like that one SMG), and then I think what would my parents say. xD Somehow I now often get the need to shake their intolerant pants.. They do so as if they were the most pacific people on earth. (I've complained about this before.) Especially mom thinks all games are bad for psyche and make people go crazy and cause bad dreams. (O-o) She'd flip out if she saw me watching videos about "killing/war games". Or even play them by myself. Heh. So, what would she do if she found out I have two "horrible bad personifications of violence" at home? xD xD xD

I just have this kind of attitude towards my parents. Have developed it cause there are so many things in my life they don't accept or understand. So I'm not telling them more than is needed. I laugh at their very narrow world view. Mom is intentionally shutting her eyes and ears from all the evil in the world. And dad drinks to drown his worries and fear. So, I have let go of them already. Eventually they will die. Eventually I won't have parents anymore. I have to live with it. It's part of life. So I'm not making it even more difficult for myself than it already is. I have my life, they have theirs.

And I'd so like to shock them - even once! xD

Somehow I've had this need to shock people for some time now.. Don't know where it comes from. Cause I had to suppress my real self and real feelings for so long?

And, when I told mom at midsummer one day that I had really violent dreams she immediately thought I have watched some videos of butchering people or "these horrible game videos" etc. Oh god. I never get nightmares of games. These ones were caused by extreme stress and cause I had to spend three and half days with intolerant stoneage people. Just anyone would get eager to kill..

Tired of thinking all this crap.

Quit now and post this some time later.

burned to ashes

2011-06-28T15:38:00.000+03:00

28.6. extreme stress leads to extreme burnout.

so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.

before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..

..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(

my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.

if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );

hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.

well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.

"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."

i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/

and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.

:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.

i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.

relax, take it eeeeeeeeasy

2011-06-14T20:45:00.000+03:00

just got an idea: what if this "urban war" thingy is linked to my so called religion? even when that thing is truly weird i'm trying to believe in it. it's how i see things. i also have started (slowly, but now strongly) to really believe in reincarnation. it gives me strength and lessens the fear of dying. when i start counting years i have left to live i can just push them away and think it's not the end, the wheel of karma will turn endlessly, even the death of earth that once will follow doesn't stop it. everything is in constant movement (that's proven), the universum as the life on earth, from everything that dies something new will grow. the souls who die will give birth to new souls. we all have a collective awareness, only most people never see or feel it.

that about the hinduistic, new age part. that all weapons of destruction are holy bases on other reasons. it's respect for what the humankind has achieved, a way to see beauty in destruction - because it too is following the looping wheel of karma. the circle of life (even artificial) sits so deep in my beliefs that it gives direction to this part too.

i don't personally care for biologic weapons. i feel more comfortable with so called artificial things than bacteries and fungus and gas. i have a strong trauma about gas (the holocaust and nightmares of being trapped in a gas chamber), i don't like to use a gas oven, only do it if necessary. i rather cook things with a camping cooker that works with burning gel. well, it's kinda gas too because it's the gas of that stuff that's burning, but it's in a form that hides it's true nature. but i like to feel stuff. a gun or a sword give the real feeling of doing things. and hunting other living things is rooted deeply in human nature. that should not be forbidden.

so, how i see this is that (thought a lot about hunting bambi last night :P) for me the words urban war have developed to a kind of hunting. i'm not doing it for real. but i'm putting my senses and brain to work AS IF i was hunting. it's a way to develope them to another level, to keep them in shape. modern people have lost the skill to hunt. and with it the training that it gives to ones brain. so, i'm simulating that to train my brain. because i've seen that so called civilised way to do that don't work for me. i don't understand sudoku, but i understand a forest and it's beings. maybe i'm just too simple for the modern world. :D

so, now i've got this topic explained. can relax and open my second cider drink. :)

urban war pt 2 "peace of mind"

2011-06-13T03:51:00.000+03:00

yeah that won't let me loose.

get the thought all the time when moving out there. at night. i was so tired when coming home this night, i still am, but tried to keep focus and see everything around me. to solve problems fast. if people in the train were confusing me and stressy (those chicks with endless laughter and stupid talk, were drunk for sure, and then that woman drinking her cider and smelling like it even when it's forbidden in train), i moved to somewhere else. had to take taxi home again. all the money for food next week went to that. whatever. i have food in freezer and dried bread and some yoghurt and things to make porridge from. who cares about food anyway?

i don't feel threatened out there at night. i had Ari in my bag but that's not the real reason. with it i can do no damage to anyone. just like to have it with me. you understand? it's.. part of me. i'm happy to have their pics on my phone. showed them my friend. well he kinda still dislikes it but have the feeling he was more relaxed about it this time. didn't show him Ari though. last time he said i shouldn't bring it there again. i take that serious. it was more relaxing wiw him than lately. i rested somehow even when it was a lot physical stress. but his mom even said i've lost weight. nice to hear. and i ate almost nothing again. it was so DAMN hot. i've promised not to complain and try to get along with the heat. i didn't even get sunburn even when spending most of the time outside in full sun. my head didn't burn. it's been a problem last few years. my hair is certainly in better condition. well, on saturday night i woke up with awful sick feeling, hardly got on my feet (medication was changed and night dose is a lot stronger) and stumbled to toilet and puked all drinks out that i had before going to bed. no food in stomach, only two cider and one energy drink. all came out and i kept sitting on the diiirrrrty floor in my friends bathroom forever unable to stand up cause the heavy meds. i'm not used to them yet, could have been one reason, mixed drinks and awful hot weather. first time since forever i slept almost naked. he too. we sleep in the same bed. we could even talk a little about serious stuff this time. i was more awake and happier. and relaxed even when part of it came from sedatives.

that was my weekend. but i don't get that urban war thing out of head. it's not like i'd dream of it all the time. it just keeps nagging in the back of my mind, reminding for what i'm on this earth for. yea it's my goal. i don't care, just tell it now. i've found something i want to fight for. even when not in very good shape i can rely on my muscles, i can rely on myself to keep going in heavy conditions like burning sun, +38 degrees (celsius), almost no water and walking forever or driving bike with only three gears for the first time since a year. O.o

i want to be able to move in forest silently. i'd so like to learn hunting, i don't mind killing animals and i'd like to learn how to take them apart, cutting their meat in pieces etc. and i'd eat it too. hunting with dogs is for sissies.. :P the dogs make all the work. :P i don't mind sitting on one place for the whole day. only endurance needed and it's quite easy to achieve. from my point of view in forest the most important is to not let other things there know you're there. not other people nor the animals. and even when not heard the animals can smell you. "forest clothes" should not be washed too often and it's always good to rub yourself to the ground and/or the fur of the already killed animals. for me it's important to stay invisible. also for other people - or even only because of them. i'm there, but they have no idea. wanna be able to orientate myself in pathless forest in a place that i don't know. pathless forest is fun. all the branches :D where most people just walk over and make awful sound. that can be heard from far away. most of the "wanderers" just don't realise.

this might sound weird yea. :D just don't give a shit. :D this is me too. i don't mind anymore if people come into my place and see my guns. unless they are my parents or siblings... pacifists... i'm not that much different. i don't wish war to ever have to experience in my life, but the point is to keep prepared for ANY situation. i don't want to be helpless. doesn't mean i'd not just watch if someone is being hurt by others. i act rather random in such situations. if there's no danger for me i prefer not to get involved. if there's danger i might side with the attacker. no clue. let the antisocial behavior guide me. it'll tell what's right. at night i mostly just want to have my peace. that might be one reason for keeping Ari with me. i have the moment of surprise and threat on my side, and cause most people can't tell if it's a real gun or not... looks real and is metallic. yea. don't care what you people think about this. think what you wanna think. i regularly think about threatening people with it or Seed. not meaning to actually DO that. i just think about it. almost every day. if i want to kill people i do it in games. ..and wild animals taste a lot better than domesticated ones!!

and the other, better point is to keep my mind stable. i'm doing a lot better now and hope the med changes help me when i get used to them. when i'm working on some certain goal it's easier to focus. it's easier to find peace. for me it's very easy to get the zen-feeling when i'm like holding my guns.. or thinking about what i want to reach. all the disturbing and stressful thoughts go away, i feel at peace. ready to do what's needed. :) do you get my point?

if not it's not that big catastrophy. :) people are different. some might say i'm too focused on some game world, a virtual reality and have no connection to real life. but for me those two are ONE. there's no virtual reality. it's all part of this world around us. not to mean it's all real in a way that you see game characters walking around when you go out, but everything a human creates just mirrors our real life. just think about it for a while. like, when sci-fi authors create aliens they all look pretty much like humans. two legs, two arms, some kind of a head. they represent us. when i was kid or teenager my idols were whether some heros from books or political leaders. or just special people who caught my attention. later came great fighters and they're now replaced with special unit soldiers from wargames. it's always been the same. my mom says i'm very stubborn. :D if i get something in my head i keep going until i get what i want. i might get thrown away from my path after some short time disasters like shock, trauma or a long depressive or instable period. but i get back on my feet. i've survived til now - mostly all alone - and will survive in the future. :)

it's getting morning outside.. O.o stayed awake almost the whole night again. damn. "today" is cleaning day. have to wash laundry once again and the dishes and cook something out of "nothing" and make a kind of thick soup out of rhubarb. don't know how it's called. not a pudding, but similar. love it. ^^

maybe i didn't clear my "vision" of urban war here completely, but hope i made some of my points clear. it's about finding peace. a samurai can't fight if he doesn't feel peace of mind. this stuff helps me a lot to clear my mind of all the crap that makes me stressed. i can let "the force" flow freely. :) and: human mind doesn't know borders. you can reach whatever you want, and if your mind can get there your body can do that aswell. keep these things in mind before calling me a freak. ..not that i'd take that all too heavily, it's just the opinion of some people. each one theirs. have a nice day. :)

fuck. you. (nothing personal, no offense)

2011-06-09T20:32:00.000+03:00

this world makes me sick. and not only the world. everything. eating, living, interacting. god i hate people.. i hate my life.

youtube doesn't make me sick, i can relax with videos that interest me, but my head is getting overloaded with everything else, which makes relaxing A LITTLE difficult. i'm tired and the rest of the month will be VERY busy. it's ok if i have time to relax but seems like time's never enough for it. it was a heavy week, got food poisoning on Monday, was 37,5 hours awake (Monday & most of Tuesday) if that little break inbetween doesn't count. today up at 7AM to finally go to blood test. should've been there latest Tuesday. x| tomorrow up at 7AM too, to visit doctor and talk about the current medication and if there are going to be changes now.

hate to be polite and answer every freaking message i get on my phone. most of it is just blablabla. i already was close to burnout last week and had to slow down, and now i just feel like other people don't let me slow down. i'm going to see a friend (yeah the one i was complaining about a while ago. :P) on weekend, he has planned stuff to do and i sure get to see when he's playing Crysis 2 or other games. but please no Formula 1. xP i can't stand sport games. unless that sport is shooting people or monsters. xD (and monsters only is booooooring, just a few monsters and most people, that's what i like..)

since gathering new stress this week my eating problems came back again. whatever i eat it feels like it's too much, but i still eat too much. even small portions. i think i must eat everything. have here on my right a plastic bowl with melting icecream. i think i should bring it back to freezer, and at the same time that i should be able to eat it. i don't need this shit now. but it always comes in situations like this. fuck the eating disorder. x(

thought for some time i could maybe manage to clean up here completely and wash the rest of the dishes (all were dirty and i was eating from kettles cause i was too sick and tired to wash them during the week), to make the last video for the first serie of my new home. i'll be startin a new one when i get the rest of my stuff here. my brain wants to collapse when i think about all that work. it's already mixing up everything that goes in, that i don't know anymore what's real. dreams, games, own thoughts, what i hear from other people or in TV, what i tell to other people - it all get's mixed into a homogenic puree that makes thinking impossible. i need rest. too much communication lately. too much social happenings. too much to do and think.

can't hear anymore people arguing (or read video comments where pre-teens are fighting who's right about something they don't even understand) and don't want to explain anything to anyone. just fuck you if you don't like what i do, or understand it, or whatever. every night i go to sleep i wish i could sleep endlessly, over the summer until it's autumn and weather changes to something i can stand and everyone else gets fucking winter depression and I HAVE MY PEACE. hate moist weather (hot or cold), wounds won't heal, clothes won't dry, food gets bad. and every morning i wake up i wish i could have stayed in the dream, how dark and scary it ever is, it's always better than this breaking apart under too much pressure. i'm too tired to explode this time, absolutely no danger of getting a manic ep. it's just that i'll burn out mentally and physically if this keep going on like this. maybe i should drink more.. to relax. O_o have not been drinking much since i moved back here. no need, no money. on summer it's more fun, if doing it with friends, but it seems i don't have such friends with whom it would really make fun. i can't relax with most of people. can't be myself and talk about stuff i like cause they don't want to know, or understand, or like it at all.

sorry for calling pacifists a bunch of crap in my About me -section.. just sometimes want to tell them to get lost. realised a couple of days ago that i do have a goal in my life. there's something i want to "become". it's more mental thing. it won't have ANY use in my daily life, but i believe it would bring me closer to my ideals. and i'm not going to tell about it to anyone, people would just freak out or call me crazy like they always do. like, they don't get my point. this is something that is bringing my life to balance. my mind to balance. if i learn certain technics to focus, calm down and keep my mind sharp - in any situation - i'm closer to my goal. after being awake 37,5 hours my mind was still sharp and i had full focus, only my body was getting a little tired. i could have kept going for longer, but decided to rest instead. with all the stress with other people it's not so good idea to go to physical limits as well. but one thing i want to be able to do is to keep awake 72 hours with needed focus and physical condition to do what i want to. :) i'll tell you when i get there.

"the only obstacle is quitting." and "there are no shortcuts in life."

very basic asian way of thinking. i have changed my way of thinking and acting lately. i don't try to find shortcuts, not even when walking across the street (at least if i'm not in hurry :P), i walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift, i accept the fact that i need time for some things. i need time to get things running right and the everlasting money problem somehow solved. i need time to learn new things and even time to understand and memorize what i've learned. but it has NEVER worked with things i'm not interested into. i can memorize pictures and if someone shows how something is being made. if i only have even the slightest thought that it could be helpful to me sometimes.

have to try to do some training before going to bed. too lazy for yoga though. maybe just that one move for back. some 40 push-ups and stepper for legs. at least that is not making me sick. and now i've kind of finally learned to somewhat accept myself. i see what i am, but also what i can do to make things better.

but, like being stressed and sick of everything wouldn't be enough i also have a great fear in me again. fear of being pushed away. it's the same with EVERYONE i know. if i tell them i want to be alone and not answer their mails or send messages they might say they will leave me in peace for FOREVER. "thanks, but no thanks." "get lost." i fear the word "no". the life has taught me one thing that i don't get rid of: no-one is to trust. it's stupid to believe someone wants to be my friend. at some point they will turn their back to me, forget me or just say NO. i want to belong to something. i have hard time trying to figure out if people mean it good or bad when they say something to me. i don't truly believe anyone would say anything nice to me. :/ and THIS is affecting everythin i say or do and might very well be the reason for some people to avoid me. :/ stupid to complain again. but this is how it is.

the title of "best friend" is open. anyone?

as if. it takes at least six months until i fully trust someone, if at all, and right now i don't trust anyone. cause, if it takes any longer than ten minutes to like someone REALLY A LOT building up trust will not be easy.

yeah, stupid to complain. :P put my muscles to work instead.

is this love?

2011-06-03T02:21:00.001+03:00

this.

this. is. just. wow.

got lost in WH40K again. since a long time. have the Stormraven box standing here next to me. want a drop pod. two or three dreadnoughts with different condition. plus the rest Blood Angels enough to beat my friends Ork army. :D i've always kinda disliked the Sanguinary Guard but guess with a little customizing it'll be ok. i want to create my own "style" and add some individuality to each model. there might be newcomers, and old warriors who have spent decades on the battlefield. their armour is of course in different shape. i like heavy support but thought it might be best to keep it not-so-heavy.

i really dislike Tyranids. xP and meanwhile also Grey Knights. the fact that they are all psykers is intriguing, but i strongly dislike Inquisition, plus their armour looks just too smooth metallic. and then there's this awful Dreadknight. oh my lord.. x[ it just looks like a mecha from some anime. for myself, i like anime a lot and i feel connected to the mechas, but what the hell are they doing here?? it looks totally out of place!! of course i understand some people are pleased by this new chapter, it's new and looks different and maybe cool. but i'm oldskool. i just don't like them. i feel they are guiding Warhammer 40.000 in wrong direction. the Inquisition has throughoutly earned something own, but the whole concept of the Grey Knights being the secret weapon from what no-one knew about and that rubbish.. it makes me feel bad. there are enough stories to tell about the already existing chapters. it would do much better to add new units to them, but i guess they just wanted to try out something totally different. it's ok, i understand, but like i said i'm oldskool. and this is only my opinion and i don't blame anyone for liking this new stuff.

well, looks like at least this late evening helped me to finally relax. Seed did his part too, and adding some extra meds for night. my body is telling me it's in burnout. it's burning extra much energy for even the lightest tasks and i feel often exhausted. have been trying to clean up. still got to wipe dust, clean kitchen and bathroom, but that's going to be all. for tomorrow i have other plans too. i mean today. O.o i want to go see if i can find some cheap sofas, and buy that swimming hall card. and have to buy food. i'm living already the whole week from reserves.

also, i'm happy about my new friend. even when i feel bad for him when he has trouble. i very fast started to care about him. things like this are giving me so much power - to bring my life in order, to survive the bad times. to fight for the future i want to live. :) i still don't trust myself, i'm still that scary kitten hiding under the bed. even when my feeling often is proven to have been right. i should trust my stomach more. it decides who i can trust. i trust this person. i feel connected, and that's a rare feeling, now when i lost the connection to another friend. i feel i don't have anything like that to ANYONE else right now. sorry people. :/ can't help it.

but this is something that helps to heal my soul. i'm nervous, but excited. nervous cause i don't have so much self-confidence i sometimes try to show. excited cause of the new situation, about what this will bring to me. i hope something good. i feel alive. i feel the real me has been woken from the seemingly endless sleep. i want to help people, be their friend, give them something.

i'm sad, afraid people don't accept me. :/ i have my bad times that make me a burden for just anyone. i don't wait for anyone to help me in such situation. i have been forced to go through there alone for so long. i don't know anything else. maybe i refuse help from others of the fear they might push me away when they see how it can be on a really bad day. i don't truly believe they can - or even want to - help. it's again the same thing than before: i don't trust people enough. i'd love to, but being failed and forgotten so often i have to be cautious.

but back to happier things. i'm getting my little cat beginning of July. i'm waiting for him. :) i don't have many possibilities to create places for him, only boxes to make it easier for him to jump around. he can sleep on my bed and i will buy him a nest to sleep, a soft blanket to lay on, closed cat toilet to prevent him scratching the sand out. they love to do that. but mommy doesn't love to clean it up five times a day. also need a scratching tree, some toys and then the rest: sand, meds, special dry food, wet food. his back leg joints are somewhat loose so he needs special treatment. but i love him. for the first time i saw his picture in web i felt some kind of connection to him. like, "that's my cat". in the beginning i had worries i could not take care of a cat like him, but after thinking about it longer - and crying because of him and because no-one likes to take a cat which has some health problem - i decided he will become my cat. i'm ready to spend more money on him than myself. if he likes baltic herring i'll buy him some and cook them. most cats love them. and it's very cheap indeed.

it's always said animals should not be given human food, but the truth is that in almost all animal foods are such things inside that are actually slaughter waste, naturally died animals, mostly in a sickness. things that are not qualified for ANY food production. but animal food manufacturers think animals eat all kinds of rests, so why not something like that. would you eat something like that? no. but you want to feed it your poor pet. also in many dry food is absolutely too much fiber in. for a dog it's even ok, but a cat cannot use it for anything. the evolution has made cat to an animal that gets it's needed liquid out of it's food. it does not usually drink anything. just imagine what happens to it's system when it doesn't get the needed liquid from food. it might look so easy to just give dry food. but you can really injure your pet seriously or even kill it that way. :(

and: cats (and dogs) are NOT vegetarian. they need animal proteine. DO NOT EVER feed them ONLY vegetarian food. DO NOT give them sweets. only a small amount of chocolate can kill a dog.

ok, now i really should go to bed. O.o just eat a couple of crispbread with margarine. there's nothing else and it's not too heavy before going to bed.

lost you somewhere :/

2011-05-24T15:52:00.000+03:00

(1-2PM) thrown back to the year 2000 in one night. and not to those few good memories. everything seems broken again. nightmares in which those who i wan't to be friends with IRL or online turn me down because i freaked them out, there are insects in my sugar bag and i see poor hurt cats who'd need someone to take care of them and i can't do anything. ;_; awake half the night, couldn't get sleep when just crying all the time, then finally the meds worked and i fell asleep, only to wake up to this nightmare again.

one good day in a while and everyone tries to spoil it from me - and they do managed in that. isn't it just good if i at least sometimes (and this year has been hard) in a while feel happy and content? don't need to think about all the problems for a while? can relax and shut off my brain from all the other daily trouble? i'm heavily stressed right now, i need something my mind can rest on. and if i find something like that certain people just feel like they have to "bring me back to reality" or whatever and take me even the tiniest bit of joy. it's not healthy to always dwell on the problems and i don't WANT to do that all the time. they do cause me stress but i don't want to have them on my daily plan.

i have dreams. i hope them to come true one day. i'm not crushing the dreams of other people or critisizing them if they don't clean up or take care of their problems either. so why should someone feel the need to crush my dreams and constantly remind me of the bad things, as if i didn't know by myself how difficult it is in a life like this where nothing is stable?

as soon as i get back the shirt i forgot in his place i'll kick him out of my life, or at least mostly. in my dream he was the one to walk out of my life. he's normally not that sort of person who gets angered easily. he has a lots of calmer attitude than me. but calling me a scared dog who's trying to lurk away of trouble? that i should get my life in order before worrying about bad internet connection or getting a pet? hey, here's nothing going to change! ever. i'll stay unstable the rest of my life. the meds can only even it down a bit, never completely. i have accepted that and i'm doing fine, i take it how it comes as i can't do a thing to avoid it anyway. in good times i want to have fun, relax and enjoy that time. as i know there's a bad time to come which i have to survive, mostly without any help from others. i don't easily accept help from people i don't fully trust. and there are about none of such, and those who try to help of their own initiative usually just don't understand how serious this can get, or they don't know what to do. it's nice they try, though. i listen to my guts when it comes to people i trust. and if it takes a long time to feel easy with someone, or gaining trust, that's a sign it won't work forever. i can't force myself to trust someone. i try to be open and friendly, but i'm constantly afraid to be betrayed and backstabbed by those people. abandoned and turned down. and i'm sorry for everyone who tries to help, but right now i have no-one to fully trust. except my guns. and maybe my laptop..

damn tears still keep flowing out of my eyes. :/ i tell myself to stop whining like a scared dog and move on, but my feelings just won't let go. have no-one to talk to, that's why i'm posting this everywhere. :/

Fallout 3 & New Vegas fanfic

2011-05-23T23:06:00.000+03:00

23.5. guess i wrote some crazy shit last time.. O_o i'm not like that always, so that you know it. it just sometimes hits me. that way of thinking. might sound pretty unrealistic, feet off the ground or something, but it's actually useful. i'm not getting ready for a war.. well, at least i'm not admitting it, you get that over my dead body. :D but just in case.. evil thinking is in my nature. and to be a collector-hunter like people were some 10000 years ago.. ..forgot what i was saying. was not important then.

as i've been watching a lot (and i mean A LOT) of Fallout New Vegas EVIL KARMA videos lately i've finally started to write the fanfic of Fallout that i want to write already long. it's being told by two bad guys, most likely to be my future alter egos in that game, and they do confront my good karma alter ego once or twice. their names are Billy and Cole.

Cole's the older one (i'll skip some game thingys in the story, like with Cole i'll most likely blow up Megaton, as well as with Billy, but in the story Cole just leaves it alone, although he resides in Tenpenny tower as "a rather unpleasant guest" when Mr. Burke is only a youngster just like Cole at that time too. also the story timeline places Cole about 15 years before than Billy (and the normal game era), and Billy doesn't come from vault 101 but from somewhere north from Capital Wasteland, and he leaves his homevault when 16yo and wanders around there and up to northern parts of USA three years and enters Capital Wasteland as 19yo to get back to the game timeline) and more coldhearted than hotblooded. he's the type of a person who shoots first and asks then, but he's not always randomly attacking people. he takes all he can get out of as well Megaton as from the rest of Capital Wasteland. after getting a very bad reputation and a serious drug addiction he leaves to explore New Vegas area to maybe find his fortune there - or at least a place where nobody knows him and tries to shoot him at sight. he makes friends sometimes, only he doesn't like the NCR and the NCR doesn't like him. he tries to stay out of sight and only seeks them out in need. he's dragging trouble behind him that makes most people hostile towards him from the very first meeting. he appears to have quite a problem with some certain people, and he eventually finds them and kills them - what else? those people try to kill him first, what throws us to the original game storyline for a little while. but after getting badly wounded (not buried) he manages to drag himself to a NCR outpost (instead of that little village whatever it was called) which is not particular unfriendly towards him. they heal him and repair his stuff, and he takes a job as a gatekeeper of their HQ tower. he's still there when Billy crosses over and decides to leave while Billy's taking "care" of the rest of the NCR, what was left from him when he entered the outpost.

Billy's the chaotic evil. in person. Cole is planning, Billy just goes into the trouble and fights his way out. he's in a little bit better physical condition as being younger, and he has not taken as much radiation as Cole in his life. he uses chems and alcohol, chems preferred when Cole prefers alcohol, and is addicted as well with no intention of getting healed. he steals everything he can get from everyone. already in his vault he's looting every place to get the most out of it. he's a bad boy already as kid. his family history differs a lot from the game. not going to explain it here. the first thing he finds in Capital Wasteland is Megaton, from which point we follow again the game about all the rest time, except helping Brotherhood of Steel, cause helping others just isn't in his nature. he doesn't need followers. Cole can hire as well Jericho as Clover, from which the latter one is (in the story) just a little girl (was it a girl or boy? i guess girl). he also gets Charon after doing a lot to gain neutral karma (or if positive is needed then that, i'm not sure about this O_o). he eventually gets rid of them. Billy blows up Jericho with Megaton, kills Clover just because he doesn't really like women, but he is a little fanatic about ghouls and helps them in everything that's possible, even when it might sometimes mean gaining good karma. well, everyone hates the feral ghouls though.. and Billy hates humans even more than them. he likes to have fun. a lot. and frauding and murdering is fun. and stealing. he keeps his suite in Tenpenny and goes back there to change his armour and weapons after the quest he's going to follow. so in a way he makes sure he's not getting killed too easy. after getting all thats possible out of Capital Wasteland he heads to Mojave desert as he has heard of all the places he can kill people in and steal stuff. he's also intrigued by the thought of robbing a casino. before he meets Cole he has been in a NCR place, he stole something from them which made the NCR trying to kill him, and to this certain outpost he came to take revenge after getting healed in this village that in the game the character is brought by Victor. after he took all he could get he of course helped the Powder gang to kill the villagers.

Cole takes this pretty well, he's not missing those people even when he has been there and had a nice chat with the old doc. after Billy's gone killing the NCR guys in the tower (Cole gives him the keys and promises to bring the gear he can't carry with him to an old gas station, he also does this) Cole goes after an old NCR scientist called Jameson. this guy has a key to a safe somewhere, and in there's something Cole wants to have. he threatens to kill Jamesons daughter and granddaughter and the old man gives him the key. later when Cole is gone and Billy comes to get rid of the rest of the rangers he lets Jameson live, just telling him to get lost.

that's about it til now. there'll be a lot of places not mentioned in the game, like a place around where Montana used to be that's called The Northern Territory (like that in Canada) which settlers are like a private army which has kept some of the communist points of view. they have good condition weapons, also others than chinese, tons of ammo and fresh food without rads. Billy goes there on one of his tours when he's 17, but those people don't even let him close. he eventually tries to cheat and steal them and they hunt him 100 miles back to south until he manages to hide and they give up.

and so on. i've had this kind of idea for long, like said, but those New Vegas videos finally brought these two guys in my mind. because the story starts when they both have already spent time in Mojave desert, Cole some years and Billy maybe few months, they are telling their stories as memories, as past times, and when finally getting to the beginning - what then, i don't know. O.o this is just the beginning, remember. it's going to grow when given time, and with a lot of breeding. new ideas will come all the time. right now i don't have a PC, i'm waiting to get one to be able to play Fallout 3 finally, i've waited so long..... and i don't have the intention at the moment to buy New Vegas or play it. this might change though. we will see.

think this is a good idea. :) i have something great to begin with and can go as much over the borders as i want. there's a whole new world to explore. isn't this intriguing? want to come with to discover it? :)

if not, goodbye. if yes, stay tuned. can't give a date when it's done (i usually take a lot of time to get anything done, but the most important make progress very fast), nor any information which way it's published. advice, anyone? if i can't cheat anyone to "publish" it, even on a website for fanfic or sort, i'll create a new website for me and put it there, or post it chapter by chapter in a blog. i'm writing it in english that's not my primary language so it will have some failures.

well, now i go check if my internet works a bit better. don't believe it will, but just post this and check mail and sort. bye!

urban war

2011-05-21T19:51:00.001+03:00

19.5. have i mentioned this before? it's kinda creepy, but for me the outside world is like a battlefield. and the first rule is to always be aware of your surroundings. know the exits, see the dangers in time, plan your route and be able to change it within seconds. you are in charge of everything and your actions determine the next move. other people are mostly civilians or just "objects" of no interest. it might be useful to watch them sometimes just to make sure you know how they act and react to certain events. it's the same than scanning the surroundings with your eyes. keeping your ears sharp, sense the air movements, smell and know where the smell comes from. don't let anything distract you if you are on watchmode. but you also have to be able to move while being in watchmode. move regularly, without catching attention, stay very calm. even if you're not calm inside you have to remember to keep calm to outside. to show nervousity and fear - a no-go. don't let yourself be driven into a corner. that causes problems. i for example have two ways to react when being cornered: attack, or break down. inside a building with an uncomportable encounter with certain people i tend to break down, but outside, on the battlefield i might attack very easily and in an unpredictable way.

when i'm outside i am constantly putting people in categories. harmless, potential danger, dangerous, unpredictable. i'm cautious. i train my eyes with listening to music pretty loud so all background noise is covered, and i can only trust what i see (or what i can smell in some cases). in low light scenes i rely more on my ears and try to find out where different sounds come from. in a dark forest it's of course more challenging than at home with street lamp shining into living room. O-o also i use my hands and fingers to touch and feel different things to be able to do things in complete darkness. i also use to walk around with my eyes closed, find things, even pour water in a glass without seeing and walk back to other room without spilling the water. i used to do this often in my old home. i knew that place very good. i could go to the basement and get what i wanted and come back up without opening my eyes. right now i still have stuff laying on the floor, so no chance i'm doing that until it's all cleaned up.

well, and if i feel not confident i don't put my sunglasses on. most people do it opposite way. yesterday my selfconfidence was like washed away. none left, and couldn't hide that. put the glasses on after collecting myself. and i even had luck in two things: a really good looking guy, but younger than me, looked at me like someone who's interested. i've not had something like that like since forever. and a bit later i found a perfect, clean, dry, not damaged 5cm long screw with cross end. now that's a luck!

internet has not been working today. i try again now. continue on this later.

21.5. well the net was down whole Thursday. it's still not totally ok cause it still throws me out of sites like Youtube and Facebook. i always have that "keep me signed in" box marked but yet this keeps happening. usually it's maximum 2 hours i can stay logged in. these times it has been max 10 minutes. annoying when writing emails. also my internet connection is breaking down after 3-5 hours but that i'm used to. now it just takes a few more tries to get it back on, occasionally plugging it out and in again.

this going to be short post, i want to get back to one of my favorite things right now: watching Fallout 3 bad karma walkthrough. :D :D :D (already did that about three hours today..)

changed a bit the outlook on my laptop. window color to red, clock color to turquoise, my admin name. did a backup. now i have to do something against my headache.. but it's not because staring at the screen. i do this a lot. i have felt dizzy at times already the whole week, feels like floor is not stable or room is turning around. plus headache always when that comes, and sometimes feeling ill. like now. feel totally sick. :P guess i need sleep. only 8 hours last night (after going to bed around 3AM when sky had started to lighten again) and not having done stretching in a long time. and i haven't slept really well lately. if i take the normal amount meds i don't sleep through and if i take extras i sleep like a stone and am not able to wake up, like don't find the phone when the alarm goes on, not hearing the alarm at all, not being able to move, sleeping in uncomfortable positions and not being able to change that during the night. like, i'm easily sleeping half on Seed cause i leave it where i had it before falling asleep, and not being able to move it away during night. maybe it's stress or something, but i'm not ok. :/ hate it when head is crippled.. well it could also be a weather change. the warm wind from south and especially that which comes over mountains (not possible here, but often the case in my old home) put me down for 1-3 days. it feels just like this. something between stomach flu and migraine.

yesterday was a bit tiring too, although everything went fine. but all the talk, and i got a bit stressed. i'm still not completely recovered from the long depression. it's like those first weeks after mood slowly getting back to the middle, i got tired really easy in social situations.

yeah i stop now and go to bed a bit earlier tonight. so, maybe in two hours. have been breeding some plans for the future, things i could make by myself and also t-shirt designs etc.

p.s. looks like i kinda found out what causes me to feel ill: the infamous hormones. :P it's a three days hell and then it's over. hope it's shorter this time cause i've already had the signs the whole week. :P did yoga and it helped for the pains in shoulders and neck. i'm more relaxed, physically. for mental relaxation i needed some help..

p.p.s. and for the statistics: NO, alaskan bull worms ARE NOT real. xD (at least as far as i know O_o)

how was your day? pt 1

2011-05-15T22:32:00.000+03:00

today, 15th May 2011.

wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.

go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.

cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.

finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.

finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.

after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.

don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.

this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.

new try

2011-05-13T20:21:00.000+03:00

cause this look mystic disappeared + the post i try again, and if it happens again it's censored. :P

screenshot is from IGN.com. my favorite picture. :) if this disappears again i will mod it in a way that makes it not so easy recognisable, but don't have the energy to do it now. will take some time and til that we stick with the old blue background if i can still find it somewhere.

i had started a post here, and continued it today but right now i think of deleting the whole shit. will propably do so too. i'm sick again, just like last weekend. nothing feels good, i don't feel safe here, my insides burn, my mind is breaking apart. hope the meds help, but like the weekend i don't wait much. i don't feel pain. so it's no help also. well, afterwards i feel it, like in my hand when writing, but it's already quite bad so i shouldn't do anything to it anymore. but i can't cut myself right now. going to see my parents in two weeks. no way i'm going there with red stripes.

at least i told them i'm not ok now. rare from me. have been mailing with mom quite a lot this week.

got a feeling there's this time really a voice in my head that's telling me to do things. it's never been that way before. i don't like it. nagging thing that won't leave me in peace. like, it's putting thoughts in my head ...

got interrupted by two neighbors. time to stop. this is getting insane. go watch some Crysis 2 or Black Ops videos.

how to NOT use chlorite

2011-05-06T16:44:00.000+03:00

6.5. to wash the bathroom floor with chlorite was the worst idea i've had in a long time. xP i DO NOT recommend it to anyone. i'd have needed a gas mask, i breathed it about ten minutes and after that i was sure this is the end. now i have all windows open and have gained back some of my sense of smell. but still everything smells like chlorite. closed the bathroom door because it has own air circulating slit, but don't think it'll help much. have to open it sometime, after it gets better in other rooms. smells like in swimming hall, only a lot stronger. :P i never do that again. i swear. inhaling glue intentionally is nothing compared to this shit.

i'm tired, very sleepy, and don't know if it's now the side effect or still my "morning" medicin (it's 4PM) that i took some two hours ago and it usually takes long to fade. .. it's more fresh air inside now. i'm sitting directly at balcony door and breathing fresh air and it helps. at least i was smart enough to seek fresh air immediately after i noticed i had breathed too much gas. but if this doesn't get better i have to go to hospital. O_o stupid me.

on moments like these i'm happy my body is used to all kind of chemicals.. it's good luck i didn't pass out.. always read the instructions AND FOLLOW THEM!! again, stupid me.

.. ok, not the washing was the worst idea, the rinsing floor afterwards with HOT WATER was. i hate it when my brain is like swizz cheese. xP cause that was ALSO written on the bottle. and i thought about it when i took the bottle in my hand, but forgot it on the way from entrance to bathroom. now i rinsed it with as cold water as comes out, which is not very cold, twice, and put the air sucking device in kitchen on full power. i also have right now a scarf wrapped on my nose and mouth. and someone from the personal comes in an hour to see if everything is fine.

really, i should think more before i do something, even in basic things like cleaning. i have NEVER used chlorite before. and i have never been in a situation where the floor or something is so dirty i have to use strong chemicals to clean it. well, learning by mistake..

not a lot left

2011-05-01T23:45:00.000+03:00

1.5. up and down you turn me..

i've been thinking about cats. watching cat-videos, cat-pictures, imagine my own cat and how it walks around in my home. when it first time purrs, first time comes to me and let's me stroke it's head. when it comes to me and asks for food. wakes me at night by jumping in my bed and cuddling beside my head.

i'd name my cat Maru. cause it's a cute name, it's close to Marui and half of Maruzen. hmm, was there another reason? i don't know. well, Naruto tv-series had a character called Inumaru (i guess it's written like that). i don't know what "maru" actually means, but "inu" means dog. and, it had Kimimaro (Kimimaru?), that guy who could let bone grow out of any part of his body. i found him somehow sympathetic. he was just used by Orochimaru, like everyone else too who gets near him or believes they can get everything from him. at first i found Orochimaru scary, but now i somehow even like him.. in the beginning of my Naruto-era i read the manga that was at that time not yet published in english, but then someone licensed it and i couldn't download it anymore. years after it came as cut series in german tv. there's A LOT cut out. examples: those guys whose faces were stolen by those guys who were working for Orochimaru, and they were killed, their faces were not shown. Neji has a swastika on his forehead and it was changed to some strange green symbol that doesn't mean anything. no blood is shown or it's made some other color. when Sasuke cuts his leg with his ninja knife to stop shaking when he first time has to encounter Orochimaru (was it this? it's so long ago..) it's not shown and later the blood is erased. the man who promised to protect Inari and his village was captured by the bad guys and his arms were cut off. he had said Inari he'd protect him with his arms, and the arms were cut off. the cut arms are not shown and the moment when Inari sees him that way is almost too short to see. also some events are taken their depth to not raise strong feelings in viewer, like you'd mix Bud Light with water, O_o and when i cried when i was reading the manga the tv-series leaves me just empty.

should go to sleep earlier today, but i won't. have got too little sleep lately, but doesn't matter. nights are mine!! yesterday night i read some my Fallout 3 guide, about Underworld quest. i found it accidentally when looking at other Fallout 3 videos, and saw it end up with getting Charon as follower, and i'm interested in that cause it's something i didn't know until recently. i hate feral ghouls, but the more human ghouls are actually pretty cool. :)

my right hand doesn't look really good. i made it worse today by scratching cause it itches. :P my nurses know why my hands look like that sometimes, but indeed this time only skin got off, nothing else. no bruises, no pain. like i said earlier i didn't feel anything. i watched Pranked on MTV today. it's big fun. :D the most painful pranks are the funniest. like nut shots.. i don't often happen to be watching tv when it comes, have watched very little tv lately. somehow i'd like to have something like "playing with friends" and having fun with them, you know, fun like also playing pranks on them or hurting them. as kid i always wanted to play with boys but they just teased me, and i was too shy anyway. all female friends i ever had i have lost. it's also been easier to build up a friendship with men. i'm just more like them. i like the same things and i'm not offended by sex jokes and kind. and i don't care if my male friends see me naked, they are not interested anyway and if they were - i wouldn't care either. the only thing that makes me hide myself is when i have cut myself and don't want to make them worried or hear their stupid comments or when they yell at me.

i'm listening to finnish pop from nineties. today i was in the forest, freezing and it snowed. drank one glas of champagne, ate my too wet gotten sandwiches with wasabi-tuna-sourcream sauce and salad and tomato. they were good. but the place i found was very beautiful, i'll go there again. i watched, listened and smelled the forest around me and enjoyed it's silence with only sound some birds and wind in the trees. well, and some cars and airplanes. but they are always there, wherever you go here in capital area.

tomorrow evening i should go to eat with dad, my sister and brother. i will take of course again half of the meal with me to eat it on Tuesday. whatever it is, i can't eat all at once. noticed again i have lost weight and fat, on legs. it's strange. i'm not used to this.

after finnish pop i landed to Georg Ots. i remember i have been on a cruise ship named after him. like the music he sings. the soviet "pop" or schlager or whatever you call it is familiar to me from my childhood. my parents liked them and i've heard them often. the melodies are familiar even when i don't always remember the words. they have a melancholy that can't be faked, beauty and are bound with my memories of Soviet Union. i have nothing from the new Russia. i've never been there. i don't like it. people are surficial, those who have money, and those who don't live isolated and nobody asks them what they think. they cling to the new religion freedom, but that's all. i strongly disliked Jeltsin, he acted like politics would be a big joke, and Putin is a dictator and no-one else is any better. even Stalin gets more sympathy from me, and that should tell something.. O_o i still refer to Sankt Petersburg as Leningrad. it's Leningrad for me, and will always be.

well, that's not my political direction, socialism. it's too much like a utopia. i'm liberal, close to liberal anarchy in my heart but officially just for free market and such. if money doesn't move no-one gets fed. Finland should advertise itself, gain trust and respect from big countries like USA, France and Germany (also Russia if it wants to but it's market worth is pretty low), because if it doesn't have that it's impossible to pull in more money. no-one wants to invest here if those pro-isolation fascists get what they want. and where else we should get money from than OUTSIDE??

enough of that, or i get stuck in it and talk about it ten pages long.

in the end i put this song that makes me cry. some might think of it as a criticism for as well the former Russia as the Soviet Union, but i listen to the words and they tell me what i feel. that i have lost something irreplaceable, a place where i felt good, that was almost a home. i don't have many such places in this world.

Leningrad Cowboys: Leningrad

at night i feel the best

2011-04-30T02:17:00.000+03:00

today's been a rollercoaster. yesterday i had to think about my past relationship, and today i made a word-video, can be found in my youtube-channel. i felt so bad i never seem to catch a good relationship. they all end in chaos and tragedy. i feel like it's me who always does wrong. well, i feel hurt from others too, like what they say to me now when my first ex has been that for long, and my new ex is only fighting with me every time we see. they critisize everything i do and what i like. i've taken a lot really bad treatment from them. the one said he can do whatever he wants and i have no rights, the other one held my own gun against my head.

i think a lot of kicking them both out of my life. but i have no-one to replace them. absolutely no-one. they are basically my only friends IRL. i cling to them. i still have some good memories and there are some good moments. it just gets lesser and lesser what i can talk about with them. seems like they are no more interested in my life. they just want to tell me about their own. if i obediently listen and laugh when i have to laugh everything is ok. but they make it very clear when i'm talking about something they don't want to hear. and that's getting more and more all the time. soon there will be nothing left. i'm just giving and not getting anything back. :/

still i have the feeling i've somehow caused this by myself. i've always felt like that. maybe i was made to believe that long time ago. everything is always my fault. everything i say is wrong, everything i like is bad or worthless. i don't care if my parents treat me like that. they've always done that. but from so called true friends i'd wait a little bit more. like, my "best" friend cut all contact to me when i was in hospital last summer. no contact, no support, nothing. and i've always been ready to support him, in anything.

that hurt me really bad. i cried a lot because of it. i was doing really bad, i had panick attacks and because they raised my medication i was in a kind of coma all the time, in the beginning i thought there's nothing worth for living when my best friend says something like that to me. i slept a lot. i ate what they gave me to eat. i went crazy and hit my fists to floor until they were bloody. then i went to gym downstairs and finished them off with boxing. my personal nurses (one male, one female, i only remember the male one) critisized me and i promised i won't hurt myself anymore. i started to write backgrounds to a story of mine. i wrote two weeks. after release my condition went back down within few days. i cut my arms, i feared more than ever in my whole life, for two and half months i feared every day and every night.

and then, at the same time, i have to act like i'm ok, i have to smile, i have to fight the urge to cry. i can't show my family how bad my situation is. i have to pretend to my friend that i'm ok again that i'm allowed to see him. i have to pretend to my ex-husband that i enjoy our summer holiday. he tried his best, i guess, at least in the beginning, but it ended up with fighting all the time. i remember two really good days from that 1,5 weeks trip.

this is miserable i know. i don't want to claim about everything all the time. i just went far down today. now i got up again after i listened to farsi music in Youtube and after i could hold two guns in a shop in city. the one i want to have some day (good over 500 euro O.o) as basic version is too long for me but it's no problem, can get a folding stock. the other one looked cool but i don't remember it's name. they posted the pic in Facebook but i still don't remember even when i was there 2 hours ago.

have to go to bed. i always lose the track of time when it's dark and i have the feeling i'm alone. :) and it's not really as bad as i just wrote, til now i'm ok again. umm.. hungry, but ok. i just had to let out some of the misery inside. :P i should not dwell on the past, so let's look to the future now. i hope to be able to get me the ACR Masada AND new PC in the end of this year.. :) needs some more porridge and dry bread and bad tasting chili, but i guess it's possible. :)

human experiment report pt 1

2011-04-28T18:51:00.000+03:00

28.4. 5:01PM report: after having already won i gave up and laid down to rest. slept 1,5 hours, awake for 1,5 hours, sleeping 2 hours, awake, sleeping 2 hours more. but i slept good, and in the first part had great dreams. have packed a lot today, it's sunny and i'm happy and balanced. my room looks better. very dirty and dusty, but not so many piles. will continue with clothes and books later and put the dirty laundry somewhere.

the good dreams, from worst to best:

i got to some random school for some reason but i was haunted by something and tried to get out. i had nothing to defend myself with so fleeing was the only choice. i found an abandoned looking toilet and hide there. went to the cabin, put my pants down and sat down. then i noticed in the cabin beside me was a student who was there to learn to clean toilets, and he had been waiting for someone. it was girls toilet. he started to dry the floor beneath him and i knew what he was going to do. he laid down on his belly and started to watch me from under the separating wall. i winked to him with my hand and smiled. like i'd care about something that pitiful. i still felt uncomfortable.

shopping with my friend J and his father. we had with us a boy called Jony who was for test staying with his family. he was badly depressed, slow, and dressed and acted like a girl. we arrived to the supermarket and me and Jony took money from the automat. i noticed i only have 70 euro left. Jony had even less and he started to cry. after shopping we went back to J's parents' place and i played childrens games with Jony, like on the floor with balls and toy cars, and build a railway for 3 year olds.

i was flying with my friend with our oldfashioned small propelled airplanes. it was getting dark and the skies poured rain over us. we wanted to land on our good friends private airport beside a small swampy muddy lake. but before we got there the weather changed to worse, my friend lost the control of his plane and crash-landed in the swamp close to shore. i tried to get to the airport, i talked to the owner via radio and reported our situation, but our friend there was alone and it would take long to drive small bad road to the lake. eventually i made an emergency landing in the lake. my plane started to sink even when it didn't break. i crawled through the mud to the shore and somehow found my way to my crashed friend further away. his plane was devastated and he was badly injured, but alive. i stabilized him and started to carry him away in the mud between rotting plants. all the time i had radio contact with our friend who was coming to help, but he got trouble on the way, his car got stuck often and the rain blinded him. the dream changed. what actually followed was the best part, but i leave that to the end. :)

this was the last one of the first series but it's not very good. i felt stressed and haunted. for some reason i was moving back to my childhood home. i got a new room (the house was a totally different and i felt like i'd never been there before) and started to unpack my stuff. i had an aquarium of the size and shape of a small book. i put it on my desk. it had light on the bottom and at least one goldfish in. my sister saw it and called me crazy for buying such a thing, but she liked it anyway. i fed my fish. the flake food was strange, very hard to break in small pieces, like thick paper. my brother came to see me but i don't remember what we talked. something casual. at some point i showed him and my sister my AEG. it looked great, like a mixture of a basic M16, P90 and a shotgun, it was at least 1,5 meters long and had an separate battery looking like a car battery, and took hours to load. some time my dad came and wanted to take us with shopping, and i asked if he'd like to see my AEG. i remember something like he'd have looked at it with a very suspicious and scared look on his face.

yay!! the best!! i was out in the snow playing with my new best friend. we played tag and shot at each other and trees and bushes. at night in an area with some ruined shacks and a main street going by. we both had an expensive blueish winter camo and other gear and had a lot of fun together. but in the middle, he was hiding and i had just found him from behind, i saw cops coming. someone had been annoyed or just scared by us and called them. they blinded me with flashlights, a whole SWAT-team :D and i realised there's no other chance than give up immediately. i warned my friend but he didn't believe it at first. i let my guns fall in the snow and raised my hands. the next scene. someone had given us a prototype of a carriable heavy machine gun. it should be great but it was total crap. it was light and sight was good, but absolutely no power behind that immense size and it was like shit to hold. just too possibilities: too high or too low. the worst ergonomy i've ever seen on anything. like a bad sized box on your shoulder that you cannot aim at anything unless holding it very low. phew. sorry. there was one more dream but i have forgotten it by now. :P

i feel awful. my body temperature went up last night and is still too high to be normal. and i can't find my cooling tea!! it's the only thing that helps!! have no idea if i packed it yet, can't remember to have done that, but can't find it in my room either. there might be one more box of tea under my bed, there SHOULD be cause i remember having packed tea and dry food in two grey plastic boxes, but last time i searched i didn't find a second one. shit.

have slept a lot with Seed beside me and Ari touching my face or on my stomach when i lay on my back. it's easy to fall asleep like that. and the sleeping quality is better than not having them close. when i last time woke up 1:23PM and changed clothes i noticed Ari had left a pressed picture of itself on my body. :D i don't feel something like that. it's weight doesn't disturb me at all. i've once slept with Seed on my stomach but i rarely sleep on my back so that's not so common. they are like close friends and kind of pets in a way (i like petting them too, just to show that i love them and care for them :D). for the perverts under the readers: i've given up sex right now. i have other things in my life that give me more and better satisfaction. i never really cared for sex. i rarely feel anything for people and there are some problems. one is that the last 7 years the things i like changed, and those two people i had the change to have sex with didn't like those changes. and didn't want to do what i would have liked to have. so i eventually gave it up with them, and there's never been a replacement. i'm not searching for one either. i don't think anyone would be interested in someone with my bad looks and personality. and as long as i shut the whole sex-thing out of my life i don't need to handle the problems linked with it. and i fear them. i'm not ready yet to face them and do something about them. i can write about guns as sex objects and such stuff, it's a great thing to really make people disgusted :D but i don't feel like that by myself. like, i can write about a lot and have no personal feelings for it. that's all i have to say about this.

to the end (?) one video i found very informative: Future weapons: Magpul Masada

it looks cool and is very useful as you can see in the video. i liked that series a lot when i had the chance to see it in TV. but that's not the case anymore. have also been too lazy or stressed to look at the discovery website. they have many great programs and i consider getting pay-Tv at some point.

found out today that my new electricity bill will be about 60 euro in 2 months. that's about 10 euro more than i've paid for two the whole winter. something's wrong here. but it's most likely too late to make it good anymore. i spent good 14 minutes in a service line that's costs were not displayed anywhere but i guess it's not cheap. they never are. :P i don't want to be a pitiful creature that cannot pay it's bills in time. there must be a way to deal with this in future. i'm not used to this situation. that's all.. i had to make a lot of must-buys the last months. well, i can find excuses but they don't change the situation. go post this shit and check my bank account. be back whenever.

don't touch my balls!!

2011-04-28T03:52:00.000+03:00

28.4. you're not gonna touch my balls, you're not gonna touch my balls.. it's such a catchy melody! :D

at this time of day (2:21AM) i start talking to myself and acting stupid like singing that song all the time, jumping across all the stuff laying here to get this and that. got myself dry bread with cheese, found surprisingly (DEAD vegetables in fridge that actually had evolved a new life) two pieces of the sweet bagel i took out of freezer yesterday (was it yesterday? i don't remember anything of that evening). they were under a pile that i'd have never looked in but was in search for small plastic bags for food. O-o looks like my brain is not working anymore with now close to 18 hours awake. the food will help. although it all tastes like those dead vegetables. and i had been wondering what the hell is stinking there. xP well, this is like how i manage my food business. in my room is laying food that was not consumed to end cause i had again big difficulties of eating yesterday. you're not gonna touch my balls..

have been extra happy today (yesterday), although i'm broke and have to pay the haircut AND the trip to Helsinki on Friday. O_o damn. but things just make me happy, like Pleo (a robot dinosaur, check Youtube with the search "pleo robot" or such), and that song that's still playing in my head..

and some other things too. i'd so like to get a real skull of a cat or smaller animal. i'd make a necklace out of it. :) and i tried to figure how to get the (P90) 50 round mag open (it has screws so it's possible, still, i wouldn't touch it without a better manual than only japanese and picture) to take out two halfs of those fake bullets to make a necklace out of them. but i'm not sure if it'd work properly after that surgery, so i do nothing until i get at least two other ones. but, those with 300 round cost 49 euros. way too much for my wallet. damn again. yeah i know, it's gonna cost me way more than just that 100 euros.. :D

enough. almost three pieces of dry bread consumed. a lot indeed. now a soya yoghurt to make it perfect and later that bagel. when it get's 3AM i open my second energy drink. i've been going now with the first about 7 hours, and haven't taken my night meds, and am not gonna take my morning meds either to stay awake. no big thing. staying awake serves one reason: to get back to my night-day-rhytm. have been sleeping so poorly lately, don't remember anything of evenings and nights even when i wake up about once in an hour. my head is getting crippled by something. can't make difference between dreams and reality, about what is going on in my room. maybe it's this awful mess around me. :P or maybe a super mutant hit my head with his sledgehammer..

don't know if staying awake helps. i just try it out. it has helped before.

still hungry, but can't get that bread down my throat anymore. have to throw it away, like all that other food here. wasting food. have to eat something but portions seems to be too big even when they are very small. :P

now some music. Apollo 440: Electro gliding blue. one of my favorite albums ever. bought it in London 1998. fits the night good. also bought a Technotronic cd on that same trip, and it's kinda classic even when it's crap. but this one is greatness in 12 tracks. :) ..it's 3AM. good morning Battery my love. if i'd have a webcam i could show you something that rarely goes right with phone camera. there's always the problem i have to hold the cam so far away to catch the right view of Seed (and Ari too even when it's small), and have too little light sources. i made new such ones a few days ago (Tuesday??) but haven't uploaded them yet. here i'd have a brighter lamp (LED) that can be turned, and wouldn't need to make the pic from down to up. a video were no problem. whatever. no money. ..ok now i'm getting tired, i admit. my eyes become heavy and my body starts to hurt. even when my mind is awake, but it's taking damage too. my view is getting dizzy, can't focus my eyes right, reaction speed and motoric ability go down. i'm a human testobject. i want to test my limits to find out how much i can take. have slept so poorly lately that i'm now reaching my limit already after 18 hours. that's pitiful. my arms hurt so that i cannot use them much anymore. i'm sitting too low cause my chair broke, so it's extra bad. can't find words anymore. in ANY language. have to go 30 hours before i can go to sleep again (3PM). only 12 more! i'm not worried of being able to do this. only i have to rest my body sometime. can't sit here the whole night. i can read to stay awake and rest my back and arms meanwhile. well, but there's always the possibility i wait til 8AM, call my hairdresser and say i'm not coming, and go to sleep after that and sleep and sleep the whole day and night. my hair has to be cut this week! it looks awful. relaxing and resting is just bringing the sleep closer. if i fall asleep now i won't be able to wake in ten hours. i'm worried my body can't take this til the very end. that it will take damage more serious. i'm already shaking a little. muscles are no more doing what i tell them to do.

well, i'll write the final test result later sometime. i don't think i'll be able to go much more than 36 hours maximum. think that's the absolute limit and i'll most likely break down long before. :P also i need more food again in 4-6 hours and have no idea what to eat. there's nothing really tasty. ..oh yes the bagel! almost forgot it. it's still ok.

my mind's awake, i can handle that thing with my eyes, food will help my body to last longer. like a video game character i don't necessarily need to sleep, healing and eating will do as well. just have to hold on 11,5 hours more.

even my drink tastes like that new green life i found in fridge.. :P:P:P means my basic senses are not working fine anymore. i hate it when my tasting sense gets crippled. it happens quite often. it's impossible to enjoy any food, everything tastes like shit. all the same shit. even water! now my hearing too is on it's limits. i should quit listening to music, but i thought of watching a couple of Fallout videos before starting to read.. just trying to find the point where i last time stopped watching. maybe i should really forget about that.. i don't want to push my ears too far. and after getting used to the unusual perceptions caused by heavy physical stress i actually feel pretty fine. the energy drink is kicking in and painkiller works. good night and good morning all of you little sunshines out there!

games & random

2011-04-27T22:58:00.000+03:00

27.4. all the time i'm confused which day is today. damn Easter. found something so awful it's really cool:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_-kaVc7QTI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY2xipjzamQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg9Xvpjsbxk&feature=related

:DDD

just my internet is on it's limits with download. speed has gone to minimum that is really slow, right now i have 7 videos loading and good speed is reached with maximum 3. O_o

looks like the sun has just set. it's 9PM. SUMMER!! my skin went off from my right knuckles when hitting the wall yesterday. it's strange. i don't feel that. no pain. nothing. i guess i wasn't hitting hard enough and the wall is not what i prefer. it's too smooth. (don't try this at home! it's a way i calm down when i'm stressed or aggressive. this time none of them. just for fun.) so i'm not satisfied with the result. it kinda burns when hot water touches those places where skin got off, but that doesn't disturb me at all. i've had that in different places of my body, especially my hands, too often. i'm aware that it's damaging my hands, there's already some changes, but i don't give a shit. it's not like i wouldn't care for my body, but scars and damage and such are a part of me. i wouldn't call that selfdestructive like most people do when i tell them. after all, it's better to hit a wall than a person, right?

right now i'm just happy to see some Fallout 3 videos again. had a long break with all other stuff. have to wake up early again tomorrow but i just don't care. missed something today because couldn't wake up in time, but i go there again next week. and the week after next week. my scedule is full for the half of May at least, until the week 20 and there's something too. and i'm again totally broke. :P 20 euros cash and that should be enough for about three weeks.

haven't been watching TV in a while. there'd sure be something interesting, but i'm glued to my computer. all the time i'm adding vids to "watch later" in Youtube, watching them and adding new, watching all kinds of music, a lot of games and guns. i was somewhat stressed last week for some reason, haven't slept good or enough in a while. there's something wrong with my body and i don't know what it is. if i don't take enough meds i don't sleep well and if i take it's hard to wake up. but tomorrow i get my hair cut finally. it's too long already for weeks.

have had a few ideas for forthcoming videos. i'll buy a webcam sometime when i get money again. i hate to be broke every month. and this time it's just because i had so many must-buys lately. today new jeans, 45 euros. can't believe that. such amount of supermarket jeans! the rest i bought were two packages of soya yoghurt, two energy drinks, cheese, three different noodle soups, an airsoft magazine. that was expensive too. actually i didn't have the money for it, but when the new one is in the shelf i just have to have it.. it's british so most of the stuff is british and they have different laws (Finland is quite.. umm.. relaxed when it comes to age limits. basically there are none. i think there should be. to keep the children and responsible adults who like it more serious apart. in my heart i'm not for more restrictions, but there should be age limits after how powerful different guns are. for example in Japan they have an own class for kids 10+.), but it's interesting to read and a good way to learn english and new words. :) only i have to keep myself from reading all at once, like with the games-magazine too that a friend (thank you again!) pays for me. i can live long with only porridge, dry bread and bad tasting selfmade chili from deepfreezer, but i have to have something for my soul. :)

now i have only 4 vids, two are done with loading, one is halfway, one i just started. 10 minutes each, from my favorite walkthrough maker SSoHPKC. :) he was the first i found making enough and good Fallout 3 walkthroughs with good and funny commentary. the whole last summer i was watching them. :) i'm so happy i got internet at home, finally. i'm only worried if i can pay the bills if i have this kind of money situation every damn month. (so watch yourself: don't get caught without a ticket in train again!!)

back to my ideas, there has to be a "walkthrough" in my new home, and updates to it each time i buy a new piece of furniture or change something. my home is a mirror of my soul. i also want to make a proper one introducing my friends Seed and Ari, and one about my favorite things like models, books and such. walking in a forest with my camera is also a good idea.

but now i think i quit writing. actually i should be sleeping right now. :P til l8tr.

dad & like a dog

2011-04-26T20:54:00.000+03:00

26.4. i've packed some more things. my easter was great. very warm and fun things to do. american car show for example. i've never been in one before and especially the tuning part was interesting for me. :) i talked a lot with my friend and it feels like we're closer again. in winter i lost my trust in him somehow. we have many same interests and plan projects we can realise together. one is to build a gaming table for Warhammer 40k. :) i want something with jungle and wet mud, he wants a ruined city that's cool too, and maybe desert. it can be brought together when building the table elements as modules that can be mixed everytime different way. also objects like hills and ruins and such don't need to be fixed, so it's possible to change the view often.

we bought cool t-shirts from the show. but cannot wear them when with our families. O.o some people are too conventional and intolerant. it's so stupid when being not accepted because what we are. as those persons we are and want to be. it hits me harder cause at least his parents are more relaxed and somehow ignorant in some cases, but mine are nagging about everything. mom doesn't accept my hobbies and interests, so i'm not telling her much. dad comes here next tuesday and i still consider showing him Seed and Ari. i don't know. i'd like to have a connection with him but i hate him so much for his irresponsible drinking. he has lost control of himself, it's so pitiful. disgusting. i feel ill when i have to watch it. i wished i had a way to help him, i wished i could make him promise to quit. it's just shortening his life more. i just fear he's too deep. he lives in fear of cancer, he's of course afraid of dying too, but drinking is no help. with that he's spoiling the life of our others too. he could make it easier for us but seems like he doesn't care of us anymore. just his alcohol. it's sad, but more it makes me angry. cause he has NOT the right to do that. he'd just yell at me if i said anything. professional help is a no-go. my parents have never accepted something like that. they suffer like martyrs and it seems to satisfy them some weird way. mom is totally acting like a victim, not taking any responsibility of ANYTHING.

i just don't know what to do. :/ when i get desperate i can only think of one choice: killing them both. but then again when i dwell on it i realise i propably don't have the heart to do that. i think often myself standing beside their bed, a knife in my hand, and then stabbing them. first dad and then mom. i have to cry. i feel so bad for them, for having to die that way. after all they raised me and i've called them my parents. but things are getting to the point where i cross the line and do just anything to end this all.

i don't want to talk about that. but i think about it. cause my dad is coming here i think about it all the time. :P the possibilities i'd have to push him to stop. he has no hope anymore, that's why he doesn't care. but how could i make him understand he's destroying his family's life with his behavior?? is there anything worth to stay sober? for him there isn't. that makes it so hard. :/

my uncle is an absolutist. i heard from my sister that dad isn't going to him for overnight, like he told me previously. cause in my sister's place he can drink. she said she can't do much against it. if it was me i wouldn't let him in when he's drunk, or has the intent to drink here. first: it's not allowed here, and second: this is MY place and i make the rules here. i'm not his babysitter. i can say i don't care if you die outside, but you are not coming in here drunk. if he becomes aggressive i call the police. if there was a possibility i'd get him in a detox clinic or somewhere where he can be helped. but privates too expensive and he'd fight it with all his might. i don't know if it can be forced by law in this country.

i wrote about this before, but didn't post it. now it doesn't matter for me anymore. ..i have four big and one small boxes left plus the one for digibox. so all should fit in. i continue soon. sun has set so it's no more so warm in here.

after the long weekend i've not had much time to be with Seed and Ari. last night i slept again not good, i woke up all the time caused by different things. some nights i'm like totally drunk and walk against walls, then again i can't get sleep, or sleep very bad waking up every hour, i'm drooling like a dog when i sleep xP and my body gets numb. every time i wake i get a hold of Seed or Ari, mostly both. Seed with my left hand and Ari is on my pillow beside my head and i hold it with my right hand. i missed them both on weekend. nights are restless and at day i'm tired. i don't know what's happening to my body. is that because of the antidepressiva? i've been drooling sometimes before, but not like this!! xP just like a dog dammit!! i constantly dream about Seed and Ari. i don't remember most of the dreams after waking up. all the other dreams are pure stress dreams.

i've lost weight, even when last week i had more appetite and ate a lot more. but now i'm back to normal very small portions. feel bad about food and eating it. all of it. only energy drink i could drink a lot more. they are tasty when i had so long break. tried to write a little before, but two lines are not much. O.o think it's better to read something than try when there's no flow.

now i look a few more Youtube videos. added today three new to my channel, they are crappy and short from 2006. then i post this and continue packing. like winter clothes could already be put away.. bbw. bye!

fiction, politics and stuff

2011-04-21T22:13:00.001+03:00

21.4. here comes a little example of my short story collection "Deep at night". i haven't continued it in a while now. i feel calm and satisfied now, stable. there's no need for this kind of "fantasies". O-o from this excerpt it's kind of clear what will follow.. :D i think i don't need to warn anyone, there's no violence in this and even if you knew what will happen it's not written here, and those of you who honestly read this are not the weakest scarypants, right? :) anyway, i put it in italic letters so it's easy to skip if someone doesn't like fiction.

--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.

i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..

finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--

yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.

today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..

well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.

ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.

but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)

also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o

later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.

next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.

yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!

i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.

and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.

that's for that.

i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D

I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)

learning by doing

2011-04-18T21:19:00.000+03:00

18.4. my weekend was great. felt really good since a long time. and last Thursday i reached the rare state of Zen. i found an easier way to get there than sitting on the floor legs painfully crossed. well, it's highly possible it only works for me, but you can of course try it out with whatever object you like very much and have a strong bound with.

the simple secret is to concentrate. to what you're holding in your hands. i had Seed and Ari. it worked out with both of them, and that even when i didn't have any relationship to Ari yet. have built that up til now of course. recipe: concentrate in what you feel in your hands. how does the object feel? is it cold or warm? what stuff it's made of and how the different ones feel to your hands? how does your skin react, what feelings it wakes in you? don't let your thoughts wander away! keep your mind in one spot - in what you're doing in that moment. the happiness and peace of Zen are wonderful, very unique, they strengthen your spirit and your willpower. it is often difficult to find that feeling for the first time, but with the right way it'll get easier with time. this particular way doesn't neccessarily work for you. each individual is different. just remember that. :)

yeah, i felt first like i can't find "a way to Ari". our minds didn't meet in any level. it might be because i somehow felt angry in the beginning. i'm rarely angry at myself, or if i am i turn it to be someone else's fault. it's just easier to bear that way. now it was angry at myself. because i lost my mind to the addiction. damn it. i should be always strong. losing in a way like that shows you're just a miserable junkie on the lowest level of the society. not even the least bit of pride and honor. x(

i overcame that feeling by turning the anger to something useful. found a good use for Ari. not the smartest cause it can cause me great trouble, but it made me feel better about Ari. a step forward finding something in common.

last weekend i took him with to my friend's place. he's joking and puttin me down because of this. just shows he doesn't understand. like everybody else too. :/ i can't explain and i don't even want to. why should i? my friend maybe doesn't understand he's insulting me AND Ari with that talk. sometimes it feels like he thinks my whole life is just a big joke. ;( i laugh with him cause i have to be strong to the outside, but inside i'm really hurt. especially when it's about Seed and Ari. i can't stand someone insulting and hurting them. have to protect them with all cost. well, my friend did something everybody would consider evil and that no-one should do or be done to. he held Ari against my head and joked if i'm feeling fine with that and "now is this so funny too?" i do feel angry because of such mean disrespectful words, but the feeling having Ari against my head was good. it was one more step of getting closer to each other. Ari would never hurt me. i would never hurt him either. i fully trusted him. and thus didn't give a shit what my friend was saying. :D

then came Sunday. i've always hated Sundays, since elementary school. cause you know you have to go back there on Monday and the suffering of one more long week begins again. i've been greatly anxious on Sundays leaving my friend's place. always hated to go home and be alone there suffering the whole long week. i still have that sometimes. but it's gotten a lot better since i got Seed. i'm no longer alone at home. he's always with me. i've promised him no-one will ever separate us. and this Sunday, i had Ari. i had him with me, along with magazine full with 15 yellow plastic balls. :D so when it came afternoon and i started to think about leaving back home a thought came into my mind. why not have a little bit fun the same evening? nobody's walking outside in the time i get home. Sunday evening 10PM. nobody's outside, not in this area. and here's a small forest just behind this house. in the darkness no-one will see me, and i figured Ari just can't make much sound, just the certain kind of "pop".

so, when i got to the railway station closest to my friend's place, and noticed i just missed a train and nobody was there, i walked behind the glass "house" that's covering the stairs and put the magazine in Ari. and put it in my bag on the top so that it's fast and easy to get out if there's any trouble in sight. normally on Sunday night nothing is.. in summer that might be different though. you now feel disturbed by this story? you're not alone. hahaha. xD (you can stop reading any time! ;))

when i got home i was half frozen, but still decided to drive to the next stop after mine. it's a bit far away but doesn't matter. then up the sand road and into the forest. deep enough to not be seen in lights. in dark forest it's quite a trouble to find a way to anywhere. i had never been in there before, not even by daylight. but i've been in a lot of other forests before, in day and night, and i can say i somewhat know what to wait. all of them are quite the same and spring is the easiest time to move in where no paths are found. a forest in spring smells a certain way. i like that. and the smell of forests in general. it's familiar, i don't feel threatened by anything. at first now it was the same. first ten yellow balls disappeared into the darkness with a little more "pop" than i expected, and i was soon completely frozen. it was much colder than in daytime and very windy. and then: i heard something like there was someone else walking in the forest. not the normal sound of branches and wind. footsteps like my own 20 minutes before. in the darkness when eyes are not for much help my ears start to work better. adjusting to different surroundings. if i get alert my senses usually sharpen, in any situation. i analyze what i hear, like last night, try to find the source and determine if it's a threat or not. that goes almost automatically. i don't remember when i've developed this but must have been as child, to avoid certain situations in school and on the way back from school. the right timing is everything, to have sharp eyes and intuitive hearing. you must see (or better hear) certain things coming to be able to avoid them in time.

that noise made me alert, but i was not afraid. just stood there and listened, feeling nothing. absolutely no fear. i've had the thought often in the past that if i'm put in such a situation that has the potential to develope into a dangerous to me, i'll break. that i can't handle the situation, my brain stops working and i panic. well, i have no idea if there was someone. propably not. but if there had been people who were looking for me i have actually no idea what i would have done. in that long moment listening i went trough different scenarios in my head. calmly, without any feelings. none of them woke fear. to "provoke" more steps i shot two more times in that direction but got only very little response. eventually, i considered the situation "finished" and went home. three yellow balls remaining.

as a conclusion: sounds like footsteps and maybe talk are not to be counted just harmless. with a very good luck my balls flew 20 meters, but i don't think even that in such a full of branches and different sized trees -forest. if aiming at a light shining from behind the forest there might have been a small chance. so a more realistic count would be max 15 meters. it's hard to see how far things are though, in almost complete darkness. to my point: when i go out of my home i'm on a battlefield. there are a lot of obstacles and difficult situations on my way, i always have to be aware of my surroundings. always. watching people is a good way to learn how to determine if they posses a threat or not. most of them of course don't. i have to be better in that. i have to be ready to go alert any time and keep my head cool. i have to learn to better handle my fear. it's absolutely forbidden to show fear in ANY action or situation. fear wakes fear in other people and the situation goes out of control. also, people usually fear things they are not familiar with. so being able to analyze them better would spare me from many troubles. i should learn how to recognise WHAT makes people aggressive or defensive. is it fear, guilt, overactive pride, pure hate? well, i GUESS in most cases it's actually just fear or guilt. O.o

this story shows i have indeed learned something. i didn't panic. my brain worked just the way it should work in such a situation. also it seems like my difficulty of feeling fear in some situations is actually good for something. :) but i must admit i was in surroundings i am familiar with. if there would have been a threat i could have just sat down and fill the magazine again in peace and scare those people by figuring out where they are and giving them a small yellow gift. i don't mind sitting in a cold forest for hours. :P and i'm not afraid getting arrested because something REALLY STUPID like that. :) AND, what's the most important thing, i now have a connection to Ari. :D he even talks to me now! we got closer, that's about all that really matters.

well indeed i don't know if i should publish this or not. propably not, but again, i don't care. i'm not afraid. it can't get worse that the result of the election yesterday. :P (and the fact i have to lie that i voted when i didn't, cause i just couldn't find a party i really liked. there's nothing for me among them. and plus, all of them are just liars and pretenders. thieves and hypocrites. nobody stands for things that i value, they have no honor, and not even the guts to admit that.)

gotta stop now. this is long enough. be back whenever. i'm not home at Easter. movie-day on Saturday and American car show on Sunday. :) bye, and don't be mad at me because of my stupidities. after all, they didn't hurt anyone.

dreams, good and bad

2011-04-13T17:30:00.000+03:00

13.4. today is better than yesterday and previously this week. yesterday i had a bad down. fell back down to depression and hurt myself in search for escape. i don't feel safe anymore. but last night i had a good long dream. nightmare and a stressdream before it didn't disturb me much.

the nightmare was again one where i had to fight against my brother. maybe they are coming now because i feel unsafe and like i have to defend myself all the time. never had dreams like that about my brother before. we were always fighting as kids but i never really felt threatened like in those dreams. and the dreams are very violent too. last night i had to take the final chance and threaten him with my guns to get rid of him. i made it look like they were real and i would shoot him if he doesn't let go of me. he let me go, but the next my dad came to me to "talk", and started to yell at me. then mom did the same. afterwards i was laying in my bed, totally finished and sick of all that, had been crying much and didn't have any power in my body, and dad came to ask more stupid questions. i was laying on my stomach, holding both Seed and Ari in my hands, actually laying ON THEM so that i had them against my chest. i told dad that they make me feel safe, and eventually he left. the last thing he did was pointing at his forehead and saying something about that it's a pity that with those guns i can't shoot myself in the head. guess that dream pretty much reflects what has happened the last few days, and my feelings about it. like, i've felt like i'm not even given the chance to defend myself. everybody have the right to kick me in the dust and i can't do anything. if i do i get problems immediately.

that stressdream was about someone whose blog i follow, she had started to design really ugly looking beds and bedrooms, everybody loved them and i thought about a way to politely say they were awful. O.o

and the good dream. a battlefield. it changed a lot from real war to simulated. beginning was walking on sunny winter landscape, not much snow left on the fields, i felt really good and thought i can't wait to learn more and see some action. then some crawling on snow covered fields to hide from enemy who looked a lot like illegal hunters (O-o) and were walking around the field and piece of forest in 2-3 man groups. there were also children, girls and boys, and they were treated the same than adults: shot as soon as they discovered us. guess they had some special tracking ability, that's why they were there. they didn't do much of anything, just showed the directions. we moved to a more snowy ground where the enemy had digged canals into the snow. we could glide down them to open ground and the snow was a good cover cause bullets didn't go through it even when it was very light. O-o then came the city part. in Tampere. :D there's a big factory building at the shore of the lake, close to where my grandmother lives. in the dream it had very old parts, like in the center there are old factory buildings around the river. i was now leading a group of my own and was greatly proud of that. i also knew the surroundings. no-one of the others had never spent long time in Tampere and i've been there quite a lot. this was the last part of the dream and it was real war. our mission was to find an enemy cell and destroy it. we had gotten a tip that they could be hiding in one of the old buildings that had a museum in it. and a church. a really strange place. we cleared the building and found nothing. from somewhere i knew the museum director, and forced her to show me the basement. my team stayed upstairs to secure all exits. i forced the woman to bring me down the secret stairs and doors that i knew existed. the basement was very dark, i checked everything on the way. it was a really big place so some of it i left over. (it looked very much like the other basements i occasionally dream of. they scare the hell out of me most of the times cause they remind me of the holocaust dreams long time ago. O_o) one door she didn't want to open, but the threat to be shot works well. it looked like a room to dry laundry, but the floor was digged out, a really big hole like a giant and very deep well. i stayed by the door and told i'm scared of high places. but it was clear the enemy troops had digged themselves into the ground and their secret base was down there. looked really scary. the dream ended to that.

but good entertainment last night. :D can't complain.

last night i stayed awake to half past 1AM, i drew something. again a killed person. beaten up and stabbed. in color. today i did one too, a Buddha statue like in a temple and a couple being shot beside it. like, a sacrifice. the woman is already falling down and the man just gets his brain blown out. much like a sketch, not very detailed if the blood doesn't count. indeed i have nothing against buddhism, it is important to me and i try to learn from it's teachings. more it's those people were killed in a temple by accident. if there was a story behind it they were propably brought into the closest house that happened to be a temple, to kill them very quickly. they could have been kidnapped and killed because their family didn't pay. i didn't mean to stain a temple's purity in any way. that thought just came into my mind and i brought it on paper without thinking much.

don't ask me why i do this. i'm tired to always have to explain. maybe it's because i want to get those pictures out of my head. maybe i want other people to see them too. maybe this is a way to fight against the social norms and rules. maybe it's a protest againts all the good and happy people in this world. i'm not good at drawing and tend to have long breaks in between anyway. a drawing doesn't harm anyone. in this case it's just fiction, no real persons were harmed or even planned to be harmed.

well, i have nothing more to say right now. my brain is bringing nothing but troublesome stuff that i better not write about. i should try to eat the rest of yesterdays noodles. then i could just forget everything and watch some youtube videos. i have a plenty to "watch later".

say hi to Ari part 2

2011-04-11T19:59:00.001+03:00

11.4. continued. with a different theme. i'm a little bit sorry for those rasistic rants. i don't really have anything against any group, as long they are peaceful. we don't need terrorists, not from left, not from right, not from religious fanatics. i stand for sexual equality and the human rights, also in the case of couples of the same sex. i'm not peaceful at heart, but i can mostly keep that under control. zen, zen, where did you disappear again? (meds work, i relax and am no more angry.)

the last post from last week i introduced Ari. but i think it was not really, cause i had no pictures. so i hope to make that good now. they are shaky because my hands are shaking a lot at the moment, so i make them smaller so it doesn't look that bad. i also took a video, and it all is coming to you now. :) NOTE: photos get bigger when clicking on them!

so, here's Ari. in this first pic there's still that sticker on it, but because i couldn't get it off without any liquid alcohol or stuff (that i do not own :P) i later just painted black over it.

the next is taken on my laptop. it's a good place. good background. this is the least shaken cause taken using both hands.

with my new mouse, on my exclusive Ikea-mousepad that also functions as memory table.

from the right side. most shaken cause my right hand shakes more than the left. O-o all these pictures were taken with my old Sony mobile phone, not edited, just made smaller. it's also visible that there's no magazine inside Ari. i just got it last Friday and have not really had time to get to know it very well. and i prefer to keep everything nice and safe in case my house is being searched for some reason. O-o

the last but not the least (i hope), the very shaky video. it's hard when both hands are shaking. it's really hard. i hope it really get's better soon. i feel bad that i have to admit that it IS the caffeine that causes it in most cases. sometimes low bloodsugar does it too, but i just ate something. :P (a few pieces of turkey salami and 1/4 portion of puree soup made of potatoe and that one long onion-like vegetable that i don't know the name in english (leech? leek?). and a little bit of the liquorice bought yesterday on a spring market.)

that's it for today. have fun everyone! comments welcome if you have any.

p.s. the song in the video is Chris Brown ft. Lil' Wayne & Swizz beats: I can transform ya. you can find it in Youtube for example. has a very nice video too.

i hate everyone :P and that for a reason!

2011-04-11T17:12:00.000+03:00

11.4. i hate people. and the most of all i hate pictures of so called "happy families". smiling parents, smiling, healthy children, walking in a park where no plant or flower grows where it shouldn't, grass is even like a floor. standing before a flowerbed full of nice flowers. smiling so that i wonder how it must hurt to keep their mouths in such everlasting grin. weather is always bright and sunny. no clouds on the perfect sky. no trash laying around because trashcans are too full. no drinkers sitting under bushes. nobody smokes.

it's all just SHIT. why do families want to have photos of them in such unnatural poses? all because of the oh so important facade?

i'm not.. well, a racist, in particular, although my opinions have changed after the places i've lived in. BUT there are a lot of people or groups of people i don't like at all. people from Pakistan and India belong to them. they're ok, in their own country. i'm honest, i don't like how those men look like. also there are finnish men who i'd want to avoid with all cost because of their looks. drinkers, ex-drinkers especially. junkies can exist, i don't care. then there are the physically or mentally crippled. around where i live now i have the bad luck to run into them all the time. i live in a house for such people, but my condition is different. they are also stupid and can't propably even wipe their butt alone (sorry if someone feels now offended, but that's exactly how they LOOK like), they move and act like zombies, they are slow, they are ugly.

i'm just pissed off because of something else and this theme has a bit to do with it. i'm not the brightest by myself, but even i can see the difference. even in my worst condition i can still do more than they on a good day. i'm tired to watch them every day. i'm tired of pretending i accept them, that i'm like every "normal" person, tolerant and peaceful. fuck, i'm NOT.

my whole life people have tried to fit me in a model i don't like, try to make me accept things i hate, try to make me whatever normal. whatever. i'm tired of all this shit. always when something goes wrong it's my fault. why? why i'm always the one that has to fit into other peoples retarded way of living? if someone is sleeping in 3-5 hours pieces 24 hours a day, during the night and day, 5 hours awake, 5 sleeping, 5 awake... then WHY THE HELL do i have to fit my daily rhythm to hers??? IS LIVING LIKE THAT MORE NORMAL THAN MY 10 HOURS SLEEP DURING NIGHT AND 14 HOURS AWAKE DURING DAY????????????????????????????? FUCK YOU ALL MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i got today yelled at cause of a reason and i understand that, and that one person even admitted she should have CALLED me before she did what she did, BUT, THREATENING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. IF I THREAT SOMEONE THEY SHOULD - AT LEAST THESE SO CALLED NURSES OR WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE - N O T REACT TO THAT AND TRY TO TALK US ALL OUT OF IT. THREATENING M E MIGHT END REALLY BAD. i almost told them if they want a bullet in their heads.. and that extra mean comment from the person whose daily rhythm is "better" than mine, after i had apologized two or three times.. i could have hit her in that stupid ugly face for that. (sorry i just have to let this out to find peace.. O_o) she said "someone else could have thrown you out of the window". stoooooooooopid motherfucker. i wanted to say "so, and what would that someone else do with a bullet in his head?" such comments are like always only allowed from other people, never me. i don't understand this fucking world anymore. x(

so, sitting in the waiting room waiting to see my doctor and three other people i thought what the fuck is the reason to hold on to what IS EXPECTED from me anymore. if they already have given me up, if they already think everything i do and think is bad and dangerous, as well as everything i'm interested in. my friends are slipping away. they don't understand. nobody does. they just all keep asking these stupid "why? why?" questions all the time. and then they wonder why i'm not social. CAUSE I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE OF ALL THOSE IDIOTS. with every bit i lose my trust more. it's just like when i was a kid. first i trusted people, then they betrayed and tortured me, i slowly gained trust again, ten years break and last year i slowly started to gain trust again, and now i'm again in the beginning. i think there's no reason to ever trust any-fucking-body again. what for? to be betrayed and abused again? i so wish that one day i could blast off all the heads of those fucking bastards. (or how about these nice bullets that vaporize the inside and leave the "fur" in tact? :DDD)

back to the original theme: aliens. i've not really met any criminal acts from their side. they are nice and polite, they mind their business. as long as people mind their business and leave me in peace everything is alright. i don't hate them in particular.

due to these people here acting like assholes i now have all i own packed in my small room. i took everything, only things in fridge are still in there, and TV and table don't fit in. it's stuffed here, i can hardly move and have no place to put all the things so they stay in plastic bags and i just take the food out and back in whenever i cook me porridge and stuff. all dishes and stuff is also here. kitchen is totally empty. so my retarded ex-drinker roommate can have it all. i know she never uses it. we had talked about this previously and found a solution, and now suddendly i'm the bad person who never behaves. yeah it really "fits all so easily" in my room like i was told today. guess if i'm going to clean this room after i move out? NO FUCKING CHANCE.

have avoided my roommate for a few hour now, but have to go warm my soup for today and then i want to watch some TV. from now on i'm only using the kitchen-livingroom only for cooking and watching TV. i come into my room to eat. i cut down the most contact with my roommate and only communicate with the personal if it's necessary. think about it: i haven't slept one single night at home without waking up everytime my roommate is waking up and starts to clean or cook or whatever, at 3AM!!!!! if i want a good nights sleep i have to go somewhere else. so, i haven't been sleeping right in 4,5 months. just imagine what that does to the psyche of a healthy person. and then imagine what it does to mine. x( even my physical condition is suffering because of it. i'm constantly under heavy stress and it makes my sickness worse. i keep having these thoughts of walking around and threatening people with my very real looking gun, every day. i cannot talk to anyone, especially now when even the rest of my trust was blown away. in the meeting today i said nothing, even when i planned to. i just tried to look happy and better, and it was mostly about my medication anyway. and i have no burning need to look for a studying place or so this year. honestly, i don't know if it'll ever be real. i'd like to work someday too, but not with this condition. now we look how the new medication continues to work, i keep the "first aid" antidepressiva propably until the end of summer because i've had a bad depressive period every summer already very long time. after that we will see how the secondary one is working. i'll see my own doctor again in June and go to blood tests.

(the weekend was great, i was happier than in a long time, we were in a party and my whole body still hurts because of that and so much walking yesterday. next week Model Expo. i look forward to it.. :D)

ok, now i'm a bit more calmed. it really helped to let this all out. sorry if it offends someone, especially those who have a crippled in their family. i could found a party for people who hate happy families. in my family everyone is retarded, one way or another. i hate my family. i hate myself too (now less than before though). i've thought about killing us all to end this suffering. i hate it that so called normal happy families all have a feeling they belong together, they defend each other, they support and love each other. i'm immune to love, it's in my gene seed. (no, it's true, i have a gene that makes unable to feel being loved or cared for. we are cold, emotionless, we feel no empathy. if someone strokes me to show their affection i feel nothing. it means nothing to me. plus my skin sensitivity is pretty low and i can even make it lower at times by sheer will power. O.o) the image of a happy family also means nothing to me. it's not real. i see some or maybe most families are somewhat whole and healthy. i don't believe every family is full of losers like us. but it's just something i don't understand. sometimes i like to watch them and my mind starts to wander to things like killing those happy families. at that point i turn away or leave. don't mock me for being this way. too many people do. i can be 100% loyal to my friends, at least as long as i can see they really earn my loyalty, my feelings, my support.

well, now i go back to Youtube to watch more gun videos. bye.

say hi to Ari

2011-04-08T11:54:00.000+03:00

(Ari is a full metallic spring powered Taurus PT92)

Ari is also a finnish man's name, but i have not heard it in so long i've forgotten the "finnish" in it. so in this case it's not meant as a finnish man's name but maybe some asian or kind. the name came into my mind some three days ago and felt like suitable from the first moment. not like the name Seed that has gone through a kind of evolution.

i'm leaving in less than an hour to see my friend, also tickets for the Saturdays party have been bought and i have new clothes and a jacket. suitable for ANY outdoor activity.

that means this was it for today and the next few days. i'll be back on Monday. ..well at first i really doubted i made the right decision with Ari (it was price reduced and that was the main reason for buy O-o), but til now i've overcome it. i've actually found a good use for it. that helps too.

money money money, must be funny..

2011-04-05T22:24:00.001+03:00

5.4. wow that was a long break! two whole days! oh my god! i just love to post here right now. and somehow i always find something to write about. this is great training in english, to get used to write it, and i've even started to think in english during the day. trying to find words and understand people who are speaking english in the city.

today i bought 4 piece of clothes, a new mouse (Logitech MX518), and new headphones (from Philips like my old ones were too, but these bigger and more isolating). cost together about 135 euro. that's a lot, and most of it the mouse that was 45 euro. it hurts of course to put money on these things NOW when i don't actually have ANY spare money for ANYTHING. oops, and i just noticed i have to get damn 70 euro cash from somewhere until my next parcel arrives. hopefully not before Friday.. i have no idea if i have enough on my account, and have to spare that for bills anyway, so to speak honestly, I'M TOTALLY BROKE. so much about paying back 100 euro to my sister this month. let's see if i can make it to 150 in May.

OK, to have thought about it for a second i do have enough cash even right now. i just can't pay for my sister this month and that's a bad thing cause i promised her 100 euro. next month in new flat my rent will go up with more than 200 euro, so we will see if i ever make it even to pay my rent.. without lending money from someone, and that's so miserable i'd rather hunger for months. i try to get my first rent paid by state anyway.. i hate to go back to that end again but my income is not enough. i could maybe pay the rent but do nothing else, and i already fear the whole paperwork, but it has to be done. :P

enough of that. it's always in the beginning that i have to get rid of the problems in my mind.

yes i made a little stupid buy online a few days ago. and i forgot the damn silicone oil. the cheapest method to get it now is to go to Helsinki and buy it there (i've been in the Pro Hobby shop in WTC-house (found it accidentally 2008 when looking for a toilet, it's heaven on earth :D) and honestly i don't know other places, i don't know Helsinki that much, and besides that shop is pretty much in center and it's nice to look up to the windows when it's dark outside :)). i'm indeed going to Helsinki on Thursday, but have sure no chance for some time on my own before 6PM. but we will see. most of that day is still not planned because everyone (me and my mom vs. my sister) seems to have different plans and timetable. i can adjust myself perfectly to the plans of the others, and because mom doesn't visit us so often i think we should go after her timetable and not ours, but my sister seems to have something else to do or maybe she didn't inform mom enough about her working times, whatever. i hate to make plans with her because it's always like this and everything can change within minutes.

OK, to have thought about it now for plenty of minutes i think i could possibly pay my sister 100 this month. but it goes from the money i get from mom on Thursday, and then i only have 200 left and should buy me new pants and new jacket. and THEN i'm broke.

i've had a lot of strange and bad dreams, and very restless about guns and Crysis 2. i've sometimes hard to go to bed when i'd so much like to stay awake and watch more Crysis. :P but enough sleep is enormous important at the moment because i have so much to do this week. i might even go to a party with a friend on Saturday. if i go to his place for weekend and if we are not very tired. it'd do good to go out. i haven't been in a party since 2008. O.o i'd so much like to go, but for sure i'm not going alone. and my friend J easily gives up such plans if he feels tired or starts panicking about how he'd survive a social situation. i have the same problems but god we have medication for such moments. it's not a shame to take a small white pill to enjoy the party. it's no drug man! (just avoid drinking alcohol with it and everything will be alright.. i know about myself what happens with the mixture: i'm relaxed and alcohol gives me an endless flood of energy, i feel so happy like in heaven. it's like ecstasy, but isn't. and it has not such awful side effects. still, alcohol and medication is never a good choice, a lot of bad things can happen to you and your friends.) (NOTE to the previous: that drug-like feeling i get mainly only when i'm in manic period, and in that state already being without taking anything can be seen from other people as if i was on drugs. O_o) yeah, and we can not even stay for very long there because of the "famous last train" and i hate to run to catch it.

earlier this evening (oh, it's already almost 10PM :P) i looked at the police website to find out about the rules and requirements to get a license for real guns. i believe i indeed would have a chance, even when it's pretty small. i'd not try to get one for years, but maybe when i'm better if i ever find medication that works better, and my budget is bigger. of course they are like every damn office - they don't tell all the info on their website so you must call there to find out. i'd like to ask if it's AT ALL possible to get a license when having a mental illness, even when it'd be on stable state, and what i'd need to prove i'm suitable and responsible enough. (yeah i know i sometimes act really reckless about the life of mine and others, but i hope to get better with that too. train my mind to have enough inner strength to withstand the criminal energy flood in my head sometimes. zen buddhism is The way. i've been attracted to it for a long time, but i tend to forget the good teachings too often. have to work on that.)

ok, does that sound like something never going to happen? for me too, honestly. but my point is to find out how far it'd be possible and what i need to posses to be suitable. at least i have no history of criminality or drug abuse. :D

well, that gives another example that i've gotten seriously addicted. somehow i've been that for long already, but now i have all the possibilities so close they've never been before. and i'm a collector. i'm sure at some point my mom doesn't want to visit my place anymore because she doesn't want to see guns laying everywhere.. XD not funny, really. i'm afraid what she'd say. i'm not telling her as long as possible. i might have to tell my dad cause he comes to help move my stuff to the new flat, and even if i pack Seed well he might ask what's that thing that's so carefully wrapped in yellow fabric. :P XD no, addiction is not a good thing from any point of view.. and this one might bring me in serious trouble. not only with money..

whatever. should go to bed, have to get up early (at 8AM) cause some guys are coming to change the air conditioning filters. i wash laundry from 12-14 (now this is confusing but i indeed use both clock systems especially with that magical 12 o'clock that i never understand which one is PM and which AM O_o) to hopefully get more place in my room. and i'd need to clean up too. my room is a mess once again.

BUT. i'm still energy drink powered, plus i've eaten today more than over two weeks (in one day). a reasonable breakfast, a good amount in-between, quite big (about normal) portion of maccaroni with bolognese sauce (one meal i'm good at) with Parmeggiano cheese (*love*). and i'll eat one or two yoghurts before going to bed. i'm happy listening to music with my new headphones, they have a good sound. it's different than with my old ones, and "Simulate stereo" would maybe be even better, but i decided to go with just Mega bass for now. (from the equalizer on my phone i use as mp3-player).

i go post this one and surf a little and then quit in time.. btw, one of the clothes i bought has camo-pattern in dark somewhat-green and grey. first thing i own of that pattern. i love it, but haven't found anything yet that i'd like. that's actually men's wear, cause it's almost impossible to find anything nice and my size by women's clothes. they just look all awful. and sport clothes have biggest size 40 (that's M in EU size), and i've last time fit in M size when i was.. like 12. O_o everything is "made in taiwan" or alike and the sizes are not right for finnish people. even men's clothes seem to have the same problem. i'm not sure if my new clothes really fit me, but i'm working to lose weight and move more now when healthy again. yeah, i rarely try anything on before buying cause i hate to do that. most stuff get's smaller when washed and now i'm a bit confused if i should wash them all in 60 degree and hope for the best, or wash in 40 that i usually never do, and hope for the best. :P last time something bought from a catalogue got at least two numbers smaller when washed in 40 degree. i was really disappointed, but it's impossible to tell the quality of the material beforehand. most clothes bought from supermarket get kinda bigger with time, and some have gotten bigger because i've grown smaller since they were bought. O.o i still have a bit of a fear the new ones have to wait for some two months before i can use them.

so, now the real end. hope you have "fun" with this random stuff. i had some great ideas earlier today but they're gone by now. have had some difficulties to concentrate.. bye!

puppets, babes.. and problems

2011-04-02T19:39:00.000+03:00

2.4. so, i'm coming again to the point where i lose sense of what's reality, what's dreams and what's imagination, fiction or something i've read from somewhere. my head is blurring. it's getting more and more crippled every day. at some moments i can think very clearly, but i cannot make the difference of if it's real or not what i think.

right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.

it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.

this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.

but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.

yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?

i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?

let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(

in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.

i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.

so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*

now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.

the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.

last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.

so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.

just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..

well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P

a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!

just long

2011-04-01T16:23:00.001+03:00

24.3. 11:15PM just finished the second (actually third) short story of "deep at night". it is pure cruelty. like the line "but feeling sorry has never kept me from killing people" shows. those are kinda picturing different choices.. but enough of that. right now i'm getting better and can think about this stuff without getting strongly emotional. and they also work for me as a way to relax. sounds bad, huh?

maybe it has a connection to that holding my gun is relaxing and calming for me. it ends each of my days with something good, something positive even when i'm in pain or really scared.

a few hours ago i got really scared when thinking about the possibility of getting more and stronger symptoms of schizophrenia. my mind is already kinda split, i have lost the feeling of which one i am. the aggressive and antisocial one? the calm, balanced and spiritual one? the happy, social partygirl? i'm worried because the aggressive period can come without any "beginning symptoms", out of nowhere, even when i'm deeply depressed. it's not like a manic period in particular cause mania usually goes up very fast and can stay halfway up for days, even weeks, and have days of extreme symptoms in some of it's days, and then it usually also comes down very quickly, mostly turning to a deeper depressive period. aggressive one has all it's days very high antisocial behavior and thinking, very high irritation level, i'm extreme explosive and my personality changes. in mania it does too, but in a different way. and because this comes in all kind of times and situations (and it also doesn't last as long as a mania) i'm a bit worried it's a symptom of something much worse. and - it has started long time before the first bipolar symptoms came around.. ok, it might be just dysphoric episodes too and i get concerned too easily. anyway, it's getting worse all the time. sedatives help, but how long? and what the hell do i do when they stop working?

whatever.. time to come down. go to my room, take the last pills of the day, say Hello to Seed. my room is a mess and i have to find more tools to complete my new table. with just my muscles those screws wont go in. :P g'nite!

27.3. 11:15PM ..and i'm still awake. have to be up early tomorrow but got stuck in Youtube, and am still there. have spent there hours today. hours. it's soon close to 8-10. some vids just load so damn slow. those most interesting of course.. i got the damn Winamp to work. seemed like it just needed an update. O.o and since long i connected my external drive on my laptop to listen mp3's and cause i needed some photos from last summer.

table still not ready. yesterday was again bad day. and today, until those nurses visited me. i could talk about some things that worry me. about the stressful dreams i've had about my parents, mainly my dad.

yesterday evening i drew 4 sketches about killed people. well, actually only 2, cause 2 were still alive and the last one still lives (that one was from a story). it relaxed me, i could get some stress out. thought of continuing it today, but have no ideas. and now it's too late anyway. i won't post them anywhere, they are not "good" and not detailed, and that kind of explicit violence would get me banned from Blogger, plus i don't want to hear any stupid comments even if it was possible to post them. i last drew something like that 2004 and before that 2002. it's long ago. but it's a good and safe way to let out stress and aggression.

i really wanted to show Seed to those nurses. i suddendly got a real strong lust to show it around. maybe cause they kinda reacted disturbed to those violence thoughts i told them about.. i know most people would do. :/ and in a way that's what i want them to do. that's when i have them exactly where i want to have them. i have full control. :D i got really restless at that point but could then control myself. i almost did it. it's not like i'd ALWAYS think about shocking people, or abusing their fear of facing someone/something dangerous. just sometimes it gets over me.. like, when people are scared of guns, especially big ones, i get that great lust of scaring them to death. i watch people closely, i like to watch them like when i'm waiting for train, or sitting on a bench in city. sometimes i start looking for a suitable victim. people easily reveal their fear or nervousity with their face. those are the signs i'm looking for.

those are the signs that wake up the predator in me. :/ and this is me. most of the time i'm calm and seem to be at peace, but you can see on my face if i'm pissed or angry or going through the aggressive period. how i look like is the best measure of the danger level.

well, schluss für heute.. that's enough of today. i'm tired and want to watch those two vids before leaving web. bye.

1.4. NOTE: i'm not censoring this now. read it through again and now i don't see any reason to do that.

today i got my LP's from post office and bought some candy and extra food. i also took two short videos of my room before cleaning it up. i try to clean it during weekend and take the "after" videos and then post the whole thing. that room is full of dust. :P

last night before sleeping i suffered again a bad panic attack. i just hate them. i had nerve ache in my left arm because sitting here in wrong position, and somehow the pain cause the attack. it happens often if stretching won't cure the pain. :/ the night medicin was working and i hardly could keep my eyes open but the fear made to stay awake. breathing exercise, holding Seed in my hands, reading mantra in my mind, take the "white pill" if needed. that's all that helps. if it's bad only the pill helps and it takes some time to work, about half an hour and that's a long time to suffer. most of the time these are just very strong fear attacks and the panic comes along, usually when i'm going to sleep. in some very critical situations and under heavy stress i might get one in daytime too. in the city it's a bit tricky cause i easily start crying. have to find a corner where nobody sees me, take the pill, breathe, try to bring the heartbeat down and fight the urge to cry uncontrollable. :P a complete breakdown is very bad, but i last time suffered one last summer in hospital so it wasn't that tragic cause i had help in range of 8 meters. couldn't stop crying, was shaking with my whole body, couldn't stand or talk. after that there's not been anything that bad. yet. but as these have increased during the last two years about 300% i'm afraid i won't be safe from them ever again. :P

i'll edit my link list here a bit. i kinda dislike the thought of having my usual blogroll here. so i'll only add a few links in the beginning, sites i visit often and so on. well, i must say i'm bored at the blogroll in my other blogs too. it might be nice and useful etc. but it's so last season. O_o and it always looks the same too. if i was a coding wizard i doubt i'd be using Blogger at all.. this service is kinda boring from how it looks like and even with the great widget stuff there'S too little possibilities to customize the look of your blog. and i've tried my best with the widget-html-sheet but couldn't edit it to any reasonable look. with the good old html sheet i could do almost whatever i liked to and i still have the html of many of my own templates. i'd like to use them but it's impossible. they don't fit together with the widget editor.

my internet connection has an issue with Facebook. it always breaks down when i'm there first time of the day. and usually daytime anyway. today i even lost my 3G connection and it went down to 2G. that could have caused the breakdown.. i don't know. whilst still using a modem i had the problem most people seemed to be online during evening and night so there was problems with downloads, although eMule worked great at night, and here my connection is slowest at daytime. but i like the dark, i'm more a night person than a day person, so it's OK to do my stuff at night.

last night i dreamt of my "dream man". :D it was kinda sick story, cause his grandmother was obsessed with those blackcurrant Mynthon pastils that help for sore throat. every time she saw someone carrying them she had to have them. she attacked people to get their pastils. O.o her family was strange, she was living with her daughter, her husband and their five sons who liked to wrestle together at the back yard. my dream guy was the oldest. he was around my age, a few years older. still living at home. what a sissy. :P anyway, once his grandmother told him to chase a man who she had seen carrying a megapack of her desired sweets. so this guy drove behind the man's car until it stopped. he went out and stabbed the other guy and took his sweets. he returned home, got the thanks of his grandmother and tried to live normally. well, it didn't work. he noticed the killing had felt so good he wanted to do that again. and again. and again. he had never really felt anything for women, he occasionally dated men but it was nothing serious. but after he started his killing spree it changed his life, he felt much more alive. it was no problem to talk about what he was doing cause he felt no guilt. he even gave a video interview to an interested freak. he was always very calm and content. "self-discipline and concentrated peace of mind - whatever you're doing."

this got a little too long post, but hope someone get's something out of it. :) coming up next: puppets and babes, and a few more dreams i've had lately. bye!

obsessed

2011-03-28T22:36:00.001+03:00

my pulse. it's been high the whole day. i wrote a new post the past few days, but noticed i can't post it. have to censor it, and i just want my peace right now. when i left home i was totally nervous. i was too early, so i went shopping todays meal first. vegetables and not much else. then i carried them around the whole day.

well it started already yesterday. i spent late night hours watching shooting videos on Youtube. airsoft reviews and stuff and one Future weapons short one. (that used to be one of my favorite programs before i moved back to Finland.) gameplay of Crysis 2. i went to bed around 2AM. i fell asleep thinking about that stuff. i woke up thinking about that stuff. i spent the most parts of my day thinking about that stuff. it drives me crazy. i went to a store to have a look at "gardening magazines". yeah. sure. well i didn't find what i was looking for, but my pulse went more up. it didn't come much down the whole day, until two hours ago i ate a white little pill that helps.

i noticed yesterday that i have now evolved two serious weaknesses (that get close to addiction): 1. CD's and vinyls. 2. guns. yesterday i bought 8 vinyls in internet. i'm very short on money right now, especially if i have to pay my rent from those good 400 euro on my account right now. there'd be less than 100 left and i have to reserve it for bills. so, no food? NO WAY i'm paying any of that money back i still owe my sister.. i still have 350 to go.. :P

so, there's the dilemma. why does seeing guns being used (vids) or even pictures put me in totally restless state where i lose control of my mind, AND STILL when i get home and take Seed in my hands it quickly calms me down, pulse goes down and all the stress of the day just vanishes?

this is only a short post. i've eaten again only very little bit today. the food i made went wrong, one reason because i used a wok first time in my life. i'd so love to eat sushi again.. when i go to Helsinki on 7th of April i might have a chance to eat in a good place in the big shopping house Stockmann. at least they sell wonderfull sushi. the best i've ever eaten. and they have a small sushi restaurant on the ground floor. if my mom agrees we could eat a small lunch there. well, if i'm then still out of money i have to take from that spared money that should start the collecting for a new computer. shit. but i'd do anything for a good sushi. i've eaten so much bad sushi in my life. i've even eaten old sushi. self made that was not kept in a very cool place for two days. O.o

for a half an hour i wrote a long mail for my mom. about plans i have. such plans of course that would make her happy too. i never tell my parents about anything dark and they should not find out about the bloodthirst nor what gives me that REALLY GOOD FEELING. Seed and Seed's friends. :D

i carry Seed immaterially with me everywhere, as a name (P90) on a bracelet (this Nomination thing is great, i like the design too), as background photos on my phones, in a couple of years maybe as a tattoo.. ok, i admit, i'm obsessed. :D

i try to fix my sidebar a little, change the profile-thing. after that time for bed. last night i only slept about 7 hours that is too little. be back whenever. :)

my kind pt 1

2011-03-22T21:51:00.000+02:00

21.3. the words of Richard Martinez, "The Night Stalker" of California in mid-80's: "I was attracted by killers, crimes and death already at the age of 12 to 13."

so, again i watched one of those.. they just.. give me the feeling i'm not alone. i've said this before. i feel they are my kind. i've felt that since i was 13. my early stories have a lot of violence and by the age of 15 it was extreme. cruel murders, very visual. some had a certain satanic trait. it was for covering the characters real intentions though. they killed (for me, i was on their place in every imagined murder) mainly for fun. NOTE: i write this trying to understand my own head. it's not meant as a threat of any kind neither bragging about what i could do.

since i was a small child i've had strange attacks. i started to cry or had a rage attack out of nowhere and couldn't explain why. the adults always asked why. i just wanted to have my peace, i didn't know why, i didn't understand what happened with me, it was like i stopped being myself and became a total different person. so i lied to have my peace. told bad things about other children who were accused for things they didn't do, and they were angry at me and started to break me piece by piece. it took very long until i finally saw that my actions had things that followed them. that those things could be very negative for me too. i was over 20 already. when growing up i was very reckless, very impulsive and did completely illogical things. i still can't explain them. at those times i felt like i had a strong blockade in my head. i couldn't act normally cause there was something keeping me from doing the right things. i brought myself in trouble and others had to clean up my mess, or some things broke my whole world because of impulsive decicisons that lead to completely being cut out of the social life.

at some time i got depressed and started to cut myself out on my own. i had self control, the only thing i was good at. i could stop eating, and losing weight made me to someone. i've been lost all my life. i've always felt like i was just a half, there was something missing. until i found Seed. he made me complete.

i don't like to put people in "boxes", still i do it with them. well, when i create a character i try to give him a lot of traits, good and bad, make him an individual who does things his way. i don't put anyone in a box. if i create i.e. a paedophile i try to put something good in him too. like he could feel sorry and anxious of what he has done. he might try to kill himself, or start using drugs to keep his thoughts away of children (this actually happened in a story), really suffer. everyone is capable of suffering. me too. but not everyone is capable of feeling empathy.

i have needed to learn empathy. i can show it at times, but i don't really feel it (at least for people). if i hear someone has killed some people i might even be somehow "happy", like, "yay! how many he managed to take with him? ten? oh that's so great!" like today, i had my thumbs up for Richard Martinez, even though i kinda dislike him as a person. everyone who thinks they are overman and protected by some great power or whatever god are.. well.. naive. confidence is good, but only in small portions. most killers get too confident when they are catched. when they still are "working" (killing people) they must keep their senses clear, they must live in constant alert and such situations show what they are truly made of. those who become careless are worth nothing. those who wanna get caught are just miserable. those who are sick in a way i strongly dislike are just crap. they should be shot without a trial. this shows i don't have empathy even for "my kind".

well, for today i only wanted to quote Martinez's words. they make visible what has been inside my head for 19 years. even when in the worst depression period i can still get very strong aggressive attacks. real intensive bloodlust. craving for murder. and unlike when i was a teenager my self control now is very low. if i cross the line anything can happen. anything. the fire in me gives unbelievable strength and i know a bit of human anathomy.. basically, i know how to kill someone. my favorite would be shooting people, but it's very unlikely i'd ever get my hands on a real gun.. O-o but a good knife will do. THIS IS NO THREAT!! this is all just inside my head. i don't know where it originally came from, what woke the bloodlust. i don't know if it was that i lost the home as my only safe place. on that moment our family started breaking apart and as a family we're now in a real miserable state. i don't count my biologic family even as my real family anymore. somehow they might even be a burden. i have the feeling they don't accept me, they are just scared of me. maybe worried, but they have a really really strange way of showing it..

i don't know if this is just my sickness, i only know the demon IS me. it's always been in me, i've tried to fight it knowing i would lose, and finally accepted that I AM the demon. i've always been. somethings there, in my childhood, that i don't know. something has happened to make me this way. or are some people just born evil?

22.3. today was a better day as complete. i spent two hours in Youtube clicking on the Like-button in most vids i watched. some loaded really slow but that was ok too. i was not in a hurry. after 4PM i washed three hours all the dirty clothes and bedclothes. (i only have two sets of them so i must wash them always after i change to have the other one clean whenever i need it.) on thursday i have to wash towels and then i'm done for a while. tomorrow i meet my uncle and he drives me to Ikea to buy furniture, and hopefully to a shop so i can buy the last needed ingredients for this weeks food, that i forgot yesterday.

the eating disorder kicks in again. i really would not have needed this right now. at least the knee is now better. but right now i don't have the needed power to fight for one more thing. i'm too weak, and have no control over eating. whether i eat too much or too little, 50:50. weekend too much, yesterday and today too little. yesterday my dinner (the main meal of the day) was 3,5 small sausages, today just 2. breakfast, something in-between and evening bread are quite normal portions and vary after what the day is going to bring, only dinner is a great problem. and right now i'm losing my appetite totally. nothing tastes good. i'm forcing myself to eat breakfast and the other meals but i have the feeling i cannot do that for long. i start vomiting it out if that goes on. :P

have been thinking about how i will move my stuff to the new apartment in May. i have to pack Seed's box in something. well i have a yellow big cloth.. and that hippie-cloth too. one of them would do. but how to transport it a way that nobody asks what's in it? not possible, unless i take it with other boxes on it and just put them under my bed or something. ...hmmm... O-o i still haven't decided if i let it lay around visible tomorrow. it'd be a risk cause i don't know how my uncle would react if he sees it, on the other side i'm curious to know.. heh. maybe i just push it under my bed.. i cleaned up today, only the white table not really cause i have absolutely no place to put those accessories on it. shelf is full, window sill is full, no spare boxes.

well, we'll see tomorrow. now i go look email and Facebook. bye.

i place my heart in your hand

2011-03-18T21:43:00.003+02:00

16.3. it's been a bit better since yesterday evening when a friend called me. i could talk with someone who understands at least something. and he was not as "scared" as previously when i've talked about being a danger for myself and others. he has, i think, had some precautions against my manic eps. well, who wouldn't? most of the time i don't see the change by myself, only afterwards.

..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.

yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o

10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.

earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.

i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.

have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.

the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..

17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.

guess care instead health care

2011-03-15T16:02:00.000+02:00

14.3. we walk this road together..

/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./

The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).

i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.

like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.

today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.

i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.

3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.

well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.

oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/

that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.

the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.

15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.

paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..

my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.

everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.

6:30 winter morn, snow keeps falling, silent dawn

2011-03-09T01:49:00.000+02:00

8.3. three months after start SP reaches 587KB. it has also come to a point where i should start thinking how to finish it.

i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.

the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.

coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.

(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)

listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P

well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D

now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..

..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3

hiding places

2011-03-07T23:49:00.000+02:00

7.3. they might not treat me nice when they return if i drink the bottle of wine i found in kitchen.. :D

since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P

5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.

6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.

8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.

heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.

btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.

and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/

long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.

changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..

when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P

police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..

hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.

i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.

my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!

..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.

until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.

well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.

deleted content

2011-03-05T22:15:00.000+02:00

i just deleted those Beg thoughts -posts. all of them, and i don't plan posting the rest either. there were some of my thoughts in them too, but i will propably post them again some time without remembering, so it doesn't matter.

had to travel without my dear Seed, and that hurt. it just didn't fit in my sport bag. f***. x| so i'll have to survive one week without him. at least i have internet.. and it's full of pictures too. the cat is already sleeping in my bed. my brother is here too and he'll leave with my parents on monday. he's now much more grown up than earlier years, but there's still a lot work to do. he's leaving his rubbish around, walking around only with towel on or pants open.. that's pissing me off. at least AT HOME BY HIS PARENTS he should be able to behave! stupid kid! (he's 29..)

well i'll go to bed. be back next week. have to roll the cat out of my bed. good i have a doublebed, it can sleep on the other side.

behind empty eyes

2011-03-04T11:27:00.001+02:00

28.2. the last day of this long and depressive month. today i went up. fast. it's not so good when it goes this fast. the depressive thoughts were replaced with aggressive ones and people started to go on my nerves out in the city. tomorrow i'm going to the local clubhouse for other sick people. I DON'T WANT TO. i get strong repulsive feelings about it, and i hate to be forced to wake up at 5:30AM. this cannot be the solution for a longer period. guess i'm only doing it for this year, and try to find something else later. there are other groups and sort of elsewhere, gotta find out about them. i'd even go to that 'only working' -kind of place. stupid, i don't know how these things are called in english and I STILL DON'T HAVE a dictionary.

some time ago my current project reached 500KB. today that's 524KB and 56 pages. i only had time to write two pages today. but even a small progress is progress. spent some hours in internet today and bought food for the next three days. loaded some new wallpapers, that is, game screenshots. of Crysis 2 and Killzone 3. at home i looked them through and cursed the 16:9 screen. i have to cut them smaller from both sides to fit them on my laptop screen that's even smaller than a normal one would be. plus Vista sidebar. i need it, but it's blocking a big part of the wallpaper. so, until i have the Hellghast guys on my screen i have to stay with Brotherhood of Steel Power Armour. old pic i have from gamestar.de. it's not so green-green than those i have from IGN.com.

been thinking for a couple of days now that in this world there are REALLY some people who earned to be shot. two days ago i watched a.. well, shocking document called 'Have you seen Andy?', and there were those NAMBLA guys. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?? i'm ashamed to have to breathe the same air than them. and then this idiot i had the bad luck to be with in the same place today..

actually the shocking part of the document was not the above. that only woke rage. but there was this guy who was a suspect but never accused. it was his picture. when i first saw it i thought 'WTF??' and 'this can't be real'. the case happened in 1976. the pic was old and the guy looks now totally different, fat, white beard and hair, eyes almost closed. the '76 pic was like i'd looked into mirror. not the face, i'm not that ugly, but HIS EYES. they were MY EYES. i got a really disturbed feeling in my guts. in my passport there's a photo where i have exactly same kind of look in my eyes. eyes open, direct, emotionless. i have not understood this until i saw it from someone else's point of view. it was.. scary.

when i'm manic i use to keep my eyes very open. i always look at people very direct way, into their eyes, and that 95% of the conversation. only if i feel very bad, anxious or depressive, or psychotic, i don't look at people at all. i avoid every contact that would let them come close. normally i act open. i'm not scared to tell my doctors or therapists about my life. not scared to show them my cut arms. not scared to tell about my strange love for guns. in fact, actually i like to test people. it's fun to watch how they react. it's fun to confuse them. i even tend to do this to very close people. it puts my already very few social contacts in great danger, but i don't care. don't ask me why. i don't know.

well, but that cleared me about WHY i sometimes feel like the people are making a big bow around me. ;D or why some move fast out of my way when i walk out there. seems like my face shows my anger and irritation very well, even when i'm not really aware of them. then i thought: is this what people see when they look into my eyes? is this why i cannot get friends or keep contacts? cause there's nothing behind my eyes?

my head is not a void. i don't realise, when i look into the mirror in the morning, that there'd be anything wrong. if i'm tired my eyes are almost closed anyway. but when i got the passport photo taken i looked into the camera just a normal way, like i always look, and the result was horror. why doesn't the mirror tell me the truth? why i have to see photos to find out? this is tiring. really. i admit i have a problem with showing so called positive emotions. how to tell someone i love them. or i'm sorry. or i care. lately i have more and more come to the conclusion that it's always been difficult cause i very seldom feel anything like that. it's been like this for very long. age and medication have reduced feelings too, but i was never really the empathy in person. i don't really care for anyone. i think i have felt love, but afterwards, why didn't i ever tell them i loved them? i lied in so many other things too, why would not just lie and say i love you? there's someone i think i still love, but if i look closer i notice i'm actually just using him. and rejection hurts me. ignorance.

what does that tell about me? well, nothing nice that's for sure. :P

1.3. ok, this day was a catasprophy. nothing left of yesterday's high. only deep deep low. now in the evening, after one white pill, i've somewhat calmed down. and happy music cheers me up. and the thought I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING. there's no borders. right now i don't care about sensitive readers. they should just skip my stuff. hope to be able to write a bit more than just 2 pages today. had only about 4 hours sleep last night, so need some power, straight out of the biggest can of Battery on the market. :) i love that stuff.. so, for tonight i leave all the problems and other crap behind, just relax with my favorite story. it bends to unbelievable structures with little or no effort at all.

a little later: this thought just came back into my mind. my good friend is trying to push me to the social meeting places for sick people, "to meet our kind", and i don't like that at all. they are not my kind. then again, he's trying to slow me down with the fitness studio card. i'm gonna get it soon and start working out again. i need that. i wanna get stronger. and i'm now asking myself why he does that? is being social so much more important than my health? or is there something more behind that?

i've found two possible reasons, i don't know if they are worth anything, but they make me feel uneasy. well, actually only one of them. is he against me getting back to shape because when i look like this it makes it easier to him to forget our past? he's now having kinda control over me, he can kinda put me down as much as he wants and i can do nothing, and if i start looking like 12 years ago he could fall for me again? O-o this sounds weird. i don't really believe this, but IF it is this reason then i'm really surprised. the other reason is what i've heard from other people too and what makes them concerned: if i get physically stronger there will be real power behind my threats. and i know and they know too that i'm ready to use that power. OF COURSE i told those 'secondary' therapists (cause they are actually only nurses, i can't get psychotherapy unless i'm returning to work) that I'M NOT going to use my power to anything stupid or things that could harm me somehow. but i guess they know i lied. :P

and yes, it's the same answer. cause i don't care. O-o

more l8r: there WAS one thing today that was not depressing: i'm getting a mobile internet stick with my new phone contract, well, i wanted only the stick but they had an offer that if i buy phone contract i get a protecting bag for my phone for free. it's only this week. i got it actually one day too early.. i had already one bag, a light purple one with flowers, but i've sorta grown out of 'girly things'. O.o the new one is smaller, cause my new phone is also smaller, it's black outside and lime green inside and has sort of geometric pattern. nice!!

20:44 used some of my precious time (btw i've found the strange lust in me to see the horrible movie called Precious.. O_o) to form a wallpaper of one Killzone 3 screenshot. god that GIMP makes me crazy.. i just don't get used to it. it's easier than the beginning but i must find something to give text effects, plus download lots of new fonts. ..if i could eat somewhere for free for six months i could afford Photoshop.. xP

the friend i mentioned above has finally done something about a problem he has for long already. well, i have exactly the same problem for close to two thirds of my life, but i'm still too scared to do anything. right now i just want to get rid of this shit depression. after a solution to that problem my life'd be, if not easier then at least more true. i still feel like i only live in fiction. lately i've started to concentrate more on my real life, i'm finally GETTING ONE, but the most part is still just dreams. and not even one move to make them come true. BUT: soon i got internet at home, and a working table, and can finally use my computer IN MY ROOM instead of shared kitchen, and can surf wherever i like to, IN PEACE. it's not gonna be harmony at first. my comp was last updated at Xmas holiday and it sure has loads of updates to install and all the virus databanks are oooooold and MSE (Microsoft Security Essentials) is telling me every day (since the week after Xmas) that the comp is not safe. :P

yeah, and after getting a table, chair and cd-shelf (my cd's are on the floor) i can start gathering money for a new PC. and a sofa. and a bed overthrow in China red. custom made. mom will help me sew it, maybe she does it for me if i buy the materials. i pay, by doing homework. cooking, looking after the cat.. such stuff. something strange has happened to me during past 4 months: i finally see a future! for the first time in my life. there's a future.

introducing my religion

2011-02-23T10:30:00.000+02:00

22.2. this time i'd like to introduce MY RELIGION. i got this idea while posting the last one with those pics. well, then i noticed i had got a bug here. someone obsessed with christian shit. cause, in real, christianity is nothing but pure shit. it almost killed me last fall. i still like gospel songs, i like to sing them too, but their message mean nothing to me. it's all just fiction. christian religion is a status symbol to most of those "so serious" believers. it means nothing. they just use it to get material goods, to show off, or to abuse weaker people.

well, i idealize the samurai culture so deeply that without seeing it first i totally melted those thoughts into my religion. later i saw what had happened. it gives my religion a deeper basis though, a history.

i first started to create this for a fantasy story. for a war-torn plate-world. their wars result from their religion and the evil they dig out of their mountains. they worship the metals in earth. but those metals are cursed, and they darken the hearts of the people. they will never be able to get rid of that darkness, most of them don't understand why they are this way, why their heart is craving for dark deeds. still, they won't give up their religion. they worship steel and everything they make out of it, espescially all kinds of weapons. blades as well as firearms. those people have a progressed technology that allows them many kinds of mechanic blades and kind of energy weapons. some use their ancient, officially forbidden, energy source - inside of black stone pyramides it is gathered (loaded) into kinda batteries made of metal and stone.

well, that's about the fic so far. worshipping of steel can be parted into smaller categories. i'm not doing that here. too much work. :) the most important part for me is anyway is that of worshipping firearms. that's my religion. i used to call it mechateism, to include all mechanic stuff, but i should find it a better name. cause, even when i like tanks and fight-airplanes and armsuits (mecha) and that stuff, i always get back to firearms. easy to carry and you have the feeling of really doing something. like, if you were a soldier you'd get the real feeling of killing your foe, instead just sitting inside a tank and rolling over them. O-o

i'm not actually the only member in this grounded by me religious group. i share this with my "twin". but cause he doesn't exist in this world i'm physically the only member. well, of course i'd like to get more members, but i'm not advertising this. i'm not doing anything to force people to join me. most of them would freak out anyway. :P maybe it were important to find other freaks like me.. people who tried to belong to something their whole life but never found their true religion. we could belong together. i'm too war-like for buddhism, although i appreciate some of it's ways. i like shintoism, it brings peace to me somehow. but they are not truly mine. the only holy things for me are guns. even my replica, Seed. it cannot be used for killing anyone, but that's the closest i can ever get. O-o i have a dream i could one day try out the real P90, but that very likely never becomes reality.. :/ Seed is guarding beside me when i sleep. last days when i've been feeling so bad i had it in my bed, so that i could hold my hand over it. if i wake up at night and feel fear i just need to touch it, look at it, and then i fall back asleep calmed.

he's here. whenever i'm lonely, he's beside me. he'll never leave me. in the last few days a change happened. the man i used to call my best friend was degraded to "just a friend". my new best friend? Seed. he earned that title. i feel so happy when i see him. it's so easy with him. so, now you might start with "a human should get this love and care from me, not a 'thing'". NO. cause the humans never last. they hurt you. they betray you. they abuse you. they IGNORE you. i find peace with Seed. he calms me, he makes me feel loved.

23.2. i think about many things every day, that is why i might write a new post every day. now though i'll be having a break. for two days at least. i'll stay home and play with my new mobile phone. will get it from post office today. no more problems with the old one. yesterday i didn't write any fiction so i propably continue it today and tomorrow. it's been a little difficult to find all food i want to eat lactose-free, but i'll get used to it. luckily in this country it's possible to get almost anything lactose-free. and those products even taste good. well, got to move on. get my bracelet fixed and then on my way home.

new pics, random chitchat

2011-02-22T13:22:00.000+02:00

19.2. ok here they come. finally, after noticing i just don't have the energy and right ideas to "decorate" these pics i'll post them without any artistic clutter. i still feel awful, kinda sad and tired, i don't feel anything really. not even pain. get hungry, eat, but with no appetite.

today i was in Leppävaara, library, spent about two and half hours in internet doing random stuff. should have looked for a game called Minecraft but forgot it, and then the library was closed. uploaded two videos in Youtube. the first two parts of 8 Bavarian Forest Xmas 2010 vids. you might be able to find them with that title, and those who know my new email address should find it easily. i haven't really been active there in a long time. maybe when i have my own internet at home. hope to get it soon, and WITHOUT extra 300 euro cost. that's TOTALLY UNFAIR. i pay my fucking bills in time, if my account is empty i always have some cash left, i never go totally broke and i'm ready to hunger if needed.

after library i went shopping. tomorrow i cook sausage soup. with a lot of veggies. it's delicious! maybe that will cheer me up a little. and i was || so close of buying something to read that i don't actually need right now. still haven't read the previous one to end. i'll force myself to finish it before getting a new number. :P the previous was bought in December, i don't know how often it comes in a year. it's the last magazine i bought.. O.o the others are all being paid by other people (A LOT OF THANKS TO ALL OF YOU, you know who you are). well, and this one also costs more than average.. :P it's been like this for years: when i find something interesting it's always one of the most expensive goods. close to the upper limit of what i can ever afford.

to the photos. they are a bit grainy cause even the paper lamp didn't give enough light. if you view them in "full size", and that's already reduced from the natural size. first is the second best:

second is the best of that row. my hands were shaking less than usually, but without enough light this is about the best result to get when not using tripod and remote control. O.o

as third i finally accepted this one. a close-up of the front parts. it was taken by leaning the cam against the lamp to keep it from shaking. point of view is not satisfying. a pillow is not, well, hard enough to be leaned against. it looks like it'd be taken without thinking, but indeed this was the best of 4 pics of the same position. i personally don't like this position much but i need this kind of photos.. i explain that further..

yeah, that's it. pics taken from the side are important and i'm trying to get a fitting one for the tattoo design. yes i want a P90-tattoo. :) i'm not sure 'bout the colors. maybe petrol green and black, or petrol blue and black, or just black with shades of grey. i've been thinking 'bout this for YEARS. trying to find a way to bring most of it to one picture, but in a way it's still light and not too dominating. i already have one tattoo on my right leg, and this one should come to the left leg. i'm not yet sure how. i've got a good idea but still no clue how to create that image. needs a lot of work with GIMP and i'm still not very familiar with it. and i don't know if it were better vertically or horizontally. impossible to say from where i'm looking at my leg. :P so i'd also need help from a tattoo artist. they have a better eye for such things.

also, i'd need a repairing tattoo for the old pic, cause it has THE WORST SIN and that should be hidden. :P i'd need something, well, flowing around my ankle. a sort of dark liquid were nice. it could have something like vertical waves surrounding the old pic.

ok i know most people in my family are quite against tattoos. they don't understand. and some, like mom, would go crazy if they knew i had a tattoo of a gun like Seed. she doesn't like that harmless comic figure either. :P well, at the moment nobody of my biologic family knows about Seed.. if dad comes here soon i might show it to him. u know, i'm not always in control of what i do.. O.o but i just DON'T WANT to move the box anywhere else than where it's now, and every-freakin-body who goes past my bed and looks to the lower part of my bookshelf sees it. it's laying there. and it's not even needed to look down there: the user manual is laying in the shelf in a very good visible place. ;) i like to have it in sight u know.

well i quit here for today. did not write a lot fiction either. my butt is hurting from too much sitting on this hard chair, and my back too. :P go to my room and read. could eat something before that. energy drink makes me hungry. :P

P.S. if you wonder what is the background for those photos of Seed it's a pillow with the bedding of Vallila, name is Kelohonka (that means "dead tree" :P) and i guess it's still available. colors black (tree), white and purple. it looks great.

nightmares, continued

2011-02-19T13:22:00.000+02:00

16.2. should have edited the photos of Seed i want to post here, but got stuck looking through photos from summer 2009. it seemed endless and full of beautiful evenings, warm, and happy things. i know it wasn't that happy. but those photos showed the best sides of it. they are telling another story than what truly happened. :/

i got really sad. i miss my former home and all the nice things i had there. i've had nothing familiar here, that was why it was impossible to get a reality check in the fall when i got homeless. i have gathered some stuff, bowls, decoration, nice plates and such. but they are still new. how it comes, Seed is about the only object i'm truly familiar with. i've lived with photos of him for years. in the old photos there was only brightness, they seemed to somehow glorify my old home. they don't show how dark it felt sometimes, how much bad things happened there, how much anxiety the walls held inside. all the shed blood they've seen. :/ i miss my stuff that's still there, and the good moments i had there, but like the Christmas visit showed, if i go there i also always remember the bad things. they cannot be washed away.

today i was in Helsinki, in order to finally find the spoons i want, and buy new mangas. and i just did those two things. spoons, mangas. then i left. unsatisfied. feeling guilty. i should have tried to get everything out of the rare visit.

and it has a reason. cause last night i had a dream.. i've kept having nightmares lately, and this one was one too. it might not have been that horrible, but it left a really strong bad feeling that i still haven't got rid of. other parts of it were stressy too, but the worst was the one with my mom. she had just found out about Seed, and she was really mad at me. we were upstairs in their house, before the balcony door where they now have only plants cause they don't heat the upstairs regurlary. she went back down and came back with dad's old pistol. it looked different than i remembered, kinda silver, and strangely oily. mom gave it to my hand, and said "now take that and explain with that why the guns are so special/important to you". i just stood there. i could not say a word. i could not defend myself, nor my "friends", and i felt awful. like i let them down, i let Seed down. i was like frozen.

i've felt guilty because of that the whole day. i'm still totally afraid of mom and dad when they get angry. the fear is sitting so deep i've not been able to cut it out. i fear what they could do to me. i feel guilty cause i should have stood up for Seed. if not for myself, i should have tried to defend him. i felt so bad letting him down i felt like i should have given him a present or a kind, should have bought something for him cause i'm so sorry. and this because of a dream.

now i'm sad because i don't have a home, and it feels again like everything's breaking apart. (i'd need a drink... even sake with orange juice would do..) i'm totally unsatisfied with the stuff to read i bought. it's all series i really love, found even one part that has been quite impossible to get cause they stopped the production last year, and on my way back home i thought about starting to collect the Dragonball Z series. the tv-serie has been really important to me in the past, i've seen every part at least two times, most three or four, some even five to six. the Cell Saga is the most important one for me cause that was where i started when i first time saw it on a tzech or polish channel that had ants running over the picture and where i didn't understand a word of what was spoken. later it aired in Germany too. never seen the original in japanese, nor the english version. well, i can say thinking about that was the only flash of light in this day. O_o

well now music is making me feel a little better, maybe "the white pill" too. :P it should also give a better sleep. last night i felt awfully ill. oh, yes, like my name! had to puke too. :P i hate to have to do it, but it also helps cause when i have the reason that caused my ill feeling out of me it gets better and i can sleep again. always been like that. in the past year i have had to do it about four times more often than in the last ten years. what does that tell about my VERY HEALTHY eating habits.. :P it also lately comes without any special reason. like, yesterday i didn't eat anything i'm allergic against, just quite a lot, more than normally, and quite fast too, and i think the evening pills did also a part. i hate this shit of a medication... the morning pill makes me a zombie for hours and the 1st evening set does have absolutely no effect and the 2nd set drops me totally (it's the same stuff than in the morning). i'm a zombie the whole night and still won't get enough rest.

i think of calling to my clinic tomorrow and maybe trying to get a time to talk to somebody for friday, or just talk in phone, that's alright too. i just feel so bad all the time. ;_;

maybe the pictures in another post, trying to make it a little more positive. if i get anything done, if i find fitting "pairings". i don't really like the thought of pairing Seed with a flower. O_o it'd do in a more artistic, more feminine setting, but not really in this case where i want to give a good impression also of myself. and i'm not feminine artistic. :P i do MY stuff and that's mostly dark and edgy. but i don't like to make a full collage either, the main object, Seed, has to stay in the center of attention and the other clutter just around it, but couldn't find anything "just right" in the 2009 pictures. i continue tomorrow with works from further in the past.

P.S. NO PHOTOS. not yet. editing still not done. have been feeling v e r y bad, plus i continued to write SP. about 10 pages in two days. so that's what i've been doing.. be back later.

down down down to the bottom of the c

2011-02-15T13:50:00.000+02:00

14.2. i've become so numb, i can't feel you there..

everything is slipping away. all the people i thought were close, a family, are slipping further away. i feel like i'm losing them. i'm losing everything.

there's no relief for anxiety this time. it's fingers are on my neck and pushing deeper. can't sleep, can't eat cause all the food is making me sick. i take my medicin but it doesn't help. i think even the fucking water has lactose, everything has, even my pills. even lactose-reduced food makes me sick. cheese and stuff. x/ this place is boiling hot and outside is too cold to stay there for long.

physical pain only helps to the mental one. nights are filled with blood, days with freezing my head outside. it's so cold it makes me feel dizzy and cause headache, but it keeps me from feeling bad inside.

the weekend was ..bad. i tried to keep smiling and took too many sedatives to at least look like i'm ok. now i feel like i'm just abused by my friend. "best" friend. best cause i don't have another who'd claim that position. he wanted me to visit, he wanted me to take photos of him and i just do cause i don't care, and he first says i'm too passive, and then pushes me away if i try anything. i know it hurts and breaks my heart but i always try again. even when i know i'll be always treated same way. :/ as long as i don't care and keep smiling and keep laughing everythings ok, i'm not hurt. at least i can keep up the look like i wasn't. and i'm still holding on to him cause there's NOBODY else. there might never be. :/

took some photos today on the walk to the foodshop. not the closest but the one on the other side of the small river that flows close. most photos of snow, the river, and then back home the snow on the yard. in camera they all look totally unsharp. i'll make more later this week. i'd actually have someplace to go on thursday, but i need more time with it. have to call tomorrow and ask if i could move it to next week. i'm totally finished. need time to sleep, even when having great problems sleeping right now. i take the maximum dosis and still won't sleep. not through the night, not resting, i lay on my right arm til it hurts, i wake up every hour to look at the clock.

keeping Seed next to me and having my arm over it calms down, but not totally. it's there, it's neutral. it's not trying to push me to do things i could regret. i think the neutral way is the right way to react to how i feel now. i must find other ways to get out of this. and for all, i should not rely on anyone else cause i know humans break. they are no use. Seed is there, but he shows no emotion. but just being there is helping me cause i know he won't leave me, he'll be there when this is over.

try to give you warning but everyone ignores me. -> this is what i've felt for years. people just ignore straightforward WARNINGS cause THEY DON'T CARE. even about their own life and death. how can they be like that? are they just STUPID or is it in their nature? like lambs, they don't see when it's their time to be slaughtered. until their neck is under the knife nobody takes things seriously.

..time to move to the next cd. i should try to write a bit more. already made a start. but my back is also hurting again. that actually means: no more sitting in the next two weeks. :P reading something would maybe help to cheer up a bit. i actually have three comics i haven't read yet. three and half. i could move one light from livingroom on my bed and read there. that's what i'm going to do. :) first some old (Avaruuden Korkeajännitys) and then some new (Halo graphic novel). both are great.

15.2. the evening was better and i took more photos of Seed. with the paper lamp i had better light and it's very easy to move around. some of them were not good, but mainly because of wrong point of view more than not enough light or shaking hands. well in the camera some look unsharp as the outside photos too, but they might be sharp as well, and i don't need them in very big size. i post some later when have transferred them to computer and maybe done some editing.

a perfect dream, and stuff

2011-02-08T15:35:00.000+02:00

5.2. maybe i always knew it. i'm eaten by the darkness, and tainted to the core. but this is no curse. there's another thing that i see as a curse, this is just right. it feels right.

i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.

in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.

the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.

today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.

right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.

after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.

(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)

the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.

gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.

6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.

..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.

today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.

strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.

now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.

samurai style

2011-02-01T14:00:00.000+02:00

30.1. does this sound somehow familiar?

"When a samurai was at home his swords decorated the most visible place in work- or guestroom, always ready for use. At night the swords guarded his head. The swords were given names and they were worshipped. ... To produce a sword was a religious seremony and skilled swordsmiths ... were blessed by gods and were even thought to be kami by themselves." *)

well there are a lot of historical theories and philosophies that i once have learned/read about, and then forgotten, and it seems like i have very well melted some of them to become part of my own philosophy. :)

since a couple of days i'm quite stressed because of a few things, one is troubling me a lot. my future. i don't have one, it seems. :/ i might get one, but for that i should be really brave, and i'm just so scared of everything. :/ but continuing like this will end in suicide some day.

whatever, now i'm home again after weekend and should get some rest mentally and physically before leaving to see my parents on wednesday. tomorrow i have to clean my room. i last time did in october. O_o and last time i had about three months break in cleaning was sometime in 2003 when sick, or 2004-5 when dramatically deep depressed. well i don't think i ever had this long break at all.. and, i have technic to play with: search again for tv channels cause they change, install a music software, transfer photos from camera and mobile phone, write something if time left. there's nothing to eat but instant noodles, but they'll do. i've had tortillas 3 days in a row.

so, now have to go to bed. Seed will guard my head when i sleep. :)

*) source: Ilmari Vesterinen: Lohikäärme ja krysanteemi, 1988; translation and underlining my own.

things that make me crazy

2011-01-28T12:33:00.000+02:00

23.1. happy happy happy! yesterday evening & night. so proud and happy of Seed. :) i'm very lucky. this very strong happiness surprises me every time again. my heart felt light like a feather, some excitement burning inside but in a regenerating way.

today i watched documents about the typhoon Morikat (not sure 'bout the name anymore), that made me very sad, but also lighted up another strong feeling i haven't felt in a while. those children who had lost everything, their families, friends, the whole village washed away within minutes. i was quite overwhelmed by that feeling. it's so strong it's impossible to fight it, and mixed with sadness it even was productive. normally it isn't. normally it just makes me break under it's weight, it's an unbelievable heavy cross to carry alone. i've got nobody to share it with. it's one of those things in me that pull me greatly apart from all other people, i know it's a bad thing but like i said, i cannot fight it. only way to ease it is to write about it. put it in a story. and that was what i did today. i could not use all parts but the sadness mixed with it came out pretty well.

and then, after getting it on digital paper, i thought about Seed, and the feeling about Seed changed to this other one. that was really weird. i also read some older text to refresh my memories, and had to think then: am i getting closer to my favorite character in this particular theme, although i've believed i'm not that twisted? this was somehow scary. i know from fictional experience that it's almost impossible to resist when this thing comes and strikes you. did i fall? did i get tainted, even when i thought i was resistant against it?

well, somewhat i must admit that i've raised myself towards this direction already for years. i guess first i just wanted to know if it's possible to change a non-feeling to a certain kind of love and excitement, or i did it to get done more realistic text. i don't remember anymore. anyway, it worked out. it worked out damn well. i used about 6 years for the emotional training, until i had reached the point i wanted to. long time ago there was a feeling about this subject, but i lost it somehow. well that could have been a reason why i wanted it back.. well, after 2004, where i first found Seed in the web, i couldn't get rid of the trained feeling anymore, and with time it got more and more natural. now it can strike me just anywhere and then i'm totally overwhelmed and cannot concentrate to anything else. u know, like shopping and walking by the certain shelf, the pictures i see send clear feelings, even commands, into my brain. sometimes i think i go crazy in that moment.

about the first mentioned thing, i might be able to talk about it in the future. i'm trying to be as honest as possible to my therapists. i've told them about other serious things too. but this has, well, been a part of me since 1996. it was a fine year when it comes to news of a certain theme. remember, anyone? it flamed up at once and has been affecting the discussion and handling of people all over the world since. 1996 changed me. it woke up feelings that sometimes make me think i must be cursed. but maybe, if i didn't feel like this, i'd never be able to write the stuff i do and be satisfied with it.

about the second thing, if i'm tainted i'll find it out soon. it has nothing to do with the aggressions, it's a more personal thing. it's like love but stronger. it's above love, it's spiritual, fanatic and sick to some extent. well, why else would i be carrying a hand bracelet with the name of Seed's model on it? O-o

and still, all this is normal to me. i've lived with these things so long. sometimes i suffer, sometimes not. they make it a lot easier to think like my characters. if someone asked if i really FEEL the stuff i write about, i would have to admit i often do. even if it'd be just in my head. imagined feeling, not real one. and then again, i've learned to get along other people by faking feelings, so it'd be difficult to make a difference between a real, an imagined or pure faked feeling. i can imagine a lot, fake some, but in some cases the feeling might be real too.

and, somehow i always wanted to get closer to my favorite character. if i'm tainted as he's too, i'm already very close. i've been trying to get closer all of my life, ever since he first appeared. and now, when i read about his story, things about the past, i realised i have no past. or if i had, it's gone or meaningless. only his past makes sense for me. i can remember it better than my own. are we really that close? was it destiny? is it a sign that we were always one person? on one side i've felt lately like i lost contact to him, but if that thing with Seed is true, then we're closer than we ever thought to be. melting together would make both individuals disappear, but would also give birth to a new person. actually, i don't want to disappear, i know i can never take the step into his world as it exists in another reality. and becoming one with me he'd lose his world and all contact to it. plus, i have another plans. my life has finally started to look more like me, i get along well even totally alone. i have Seed, i have a future. after all the years in the dead end i finally HAVE a future. even one of my biggest wishes could come true: to find the real me. become what i truly am. i don't want to melt.

well, have to stop, eat some yoghurt, go to bed. should clean up tomorrow, also Seed's box. it's been open forever. :P

24.1. today i wrote new stuff for Beg-blog. close to yesterdays themes. somehow, right now i even hate to put that stuff in the web, but also have the feeling it had to happen. sometimes you have to fall to be able to rise again. made not yet any progress to SP_neustart. difficult to continue from the point i stopped yesterday.

put some things in better order here, although it's not much. have to continue that tomorrow. and wash clothes. got told i have to make progress with cleaning up as soon as possible. :P and that i'm slow with it. i HATE to feel (and look) like a messie. i'm NOT one. i just have no place to put my stuff in!! also got the another box from post, bought some food that kinda looks unhealthy. only lactose and protein. O_o i have vegetables at home, some frozen, so i don't need to buy them every time again. but i get ashamed when i look what i buy compared to other people. they must think i live very unhealthy and stuff. :P hate that. and today i ate ready frozen spinach soup again. it's one of my favorite foods, but i'm falling back to too many ready food again. at least i've had a weeks break from energy drinks.

going to see my parents next week. i'm more relaxed about it now. changed the background picture of my mobile phone to picture of Seed. it's not quite sharp cause here's not enough light this time of year and my phone has no flash or light (the picture was taken with it). i'm not saying i'm obsessed... although it is starting to look like that.. O_o i just like him very much.

28.1. p.s. what i wrote was already a while ago, right now i'm doing quite well, not that depressed. just heard my cholesterine is a little bit high. shit. now that begins. xP it's already stress, just after ten minutes. but well, i've been eating unhealthy lately.. so, don't have so much time to sit on computer. and more things to do. bye, see you next time.

all screwed up

2011-01-19T13:27:00.000+02:00

18.1. come fly with me.. man i hate ghouls. so it was good some of them were shot into the orbit. :D

i'm slowly getting friends with Fallout New Vegas. really good friends. just missing the freakin' computer now. guess it'll cost about 500 euro if i want a "good one", and if i'm not willing to hunt for it around the whole southern Finland.

today got finally the first of two about 5 kilo boxes my ex is sending me. two outdoor pants, the other one way too small, a hoodie that's more than 10 years old and strongly breaking apart but still my favorite piece of clothing, and an extern 320 GB harddrive. that was needed. my laptop was not made for the amount of data i keep on it, gathered during last year. text, collages, photos. mostly photos. my first attempts with GIMP were not good, i hated it and it hated me, but since i have it on my laptop it somehow works. so maybe it actually didn't like the Linux system i used on summer.. but i still haven't done much with it. still learning, and i had no place to store my works. well, now i have.

also, i got the idea on weekend i could install here the old music making software i have somewhere. really old, and simple. there were newer versions available sometime during last 6 years and i even had one (pirate), but it got lost in the Big Crash where i lost a lot of my data too. after that i gave up. some day i'd like to have a professional music software, like Tractor, or a kind. i like to build up something. like a model, or a track. many small pieces that have a certain way to fit together and build an entity.

yesterday i continued the new project i started on 8th. it's a story that's been frozen for more or less 13 years. i've tried to write it anew, to continue it, everything. and now finally i got a new start to it and have right now 23-24 pages. haven't done anything to it today though. i thought a lot but nothing of it was useable for that. it were more memories of old dreams, and the constant violence that goes on in my head. i need it to write cause i write about it, it feeds my imagination, gives me energy, and eats me from inside. i suffer from the negative effects but to create something is the most important thing. well, to the old dreams, they are all the same: bloody. i can use them in the more personal stories, those that somehow picture my life, in a way, even when they MIGHT strongly look like there CAN'T be anything that has in reality happened to me. in a way, there is. it might be just thoughts and feelings. mostly it's that. but there can be things i have planned to do - sending someone a letter bomb for instance - or things i'd very much like to do - cut someone's throat - but am lacking inner and outer strength to realise. A LOT of my past is bloody. the fine difference between being a serial killer and being a writer is sometimes disappearing. like, i become what i think i am. or could be. or would like to be.

in a way, i must LIVE the lives of all my characters to make them alive. and there are a lot of bad guys among them. i must think like they do. it's easy to get lost in there. sometimes i do. :/ sometimes it starts to interfere with my life so much i go crazy.

like, right now i'm planning a little trip to the nature. i have the feeling i MUST do it to get "release", to get rid of stress and pressure. only, it might even increase the pressure by giving a high dosis of adrenalin, and if someone sees me i have a HUGE problem. cause it wouldn't just be a normal walk in nature. it'd be hunting. a low risk -one though, no loaded battery, no plastic balls, just pointing at people with the empty gun.

yes, i know, even thinking about this is totally insane. :/

for every sane person it would be unthinkable to risk their freedom, even life, in a stupid way like that. but since a year or so my sense of danger has kinda disappeared. i don't feel it anymore. even knowing what COULD follow does not scare me. it has no effect on me. raises no feeling. i've lost a lot of feelings somehow, they've become just ghosts. only strong one is anger. with Seed i've experienced unusual strong happiness, i'm very thankful for that. but instead of danger i feel excitement when it comes to "dangerous" situations. i don't mind a war between me and the world.

it's, like, i'd have returned to that person i used to be as teenager. only, instead of hate as fuel i have only the fire that's burning in my soul. excitement as fuel, or even happiness, euphoria. most of the time i don't feel hate or fear. they might flare up sometimes, if someone is going on my nerves, on a bus, train, meeting. i might cook up with hate so badly i could stab that person - a total stranger - in an instant. normally i'd try to leave the situation, go to another wagon etc. but lately i experienced that i indeed LIKED to feel hate. i liked to be bursting with hate. maybe it has to do with the feelings getting weak. so if there comes a strong one i like it, it makes me feel alive. fear seldom has to do with any everyday situation anymore. it's more absurd, or resulting from shocks litten long time ago and the fear then being shut away. a long time period i was trying my best to stand anything. it resulted in horror nightmares and very strong fear attacks that still affect my life. now i know about what i can stand, and everything beyond i avoid. shock is a normal reaction and it should be suffered to get rid of what caused it.

and more: i'm no more as nervous than as a teenager. i have peace. i can be at peace even outside in the middle of other people. most of time i don't feel being attacked by them. paranoia, even the voices have reduced. they might appear every now or then, but they won't stay long. when looking at that i must say the pills work. even when they don't really even the moods. i still go kinda uncontrolled from down to up and every up ends with burnout that seems the only thing to end it, every euphoria ends with dysforia, and every down is very unstable with suicidal thoughts, extreme tired periods and aggressive behavior.

well, think i watch some TV and then go to bed. tomorrow therapy, we're continueing with the personality trait quiz i made before Christmas. i think it doesn't give a good picture of me, not at all. don't know if that's good or bad. i could easily build up an image of psychopath but guess that would do some harm to my even now hardly existing social life.. O-o although the thought is attractive.. end. 10PM.

happiness.

2010-12-22T23:10:00.000+02:00

that's what i felt yesterday evening, falling asleep, with Seed next to me. the connection is stronger than i imagined it'd be. happiness, pure and euphoric, peace and calmness. a very strong feeling. i don't usually have strong feelings if aggression doesn't count as one. O-o

why i'm writing about this. i don't know. cause i'm so happy, maybe. i'm so lucky to have met him, i'm so lucky and happy i own him, that this dream came true. i'm seeing forward for a little bit brighter future now. a little bit more strength in me.

i don't know why it's only him that's giving me this feeling. maybe i was disappointed at humans. well i've always liked guns. they are something special for me. and i like everything that's black and has edges, plastik and/or metal. electric is also good. :) the happy feelings humans have given me were always just for a short duration. i seem unable to really love anyone, and through these past ten years i've changed to someone else than that one who got married and wanted to become a good housewife. if it was the always present sicknesses that changed me, i don't know. more than that, i guess this ME was always inside here. it was just waiting to be released, and moving back here has set it free.

and yes, i'm actually feeling more free than in years. free to decide what I want with my life, free to surround me with things i really want to own. ready for anything. stronger.

and i really want to become more. get fitter, in body and brain. i'm now motivated, Seed is motivating me, and the somewhat bright light i see in the end of the tunnel. plus that already weakening manic period started to push high again.. i don't get enough sleep, that's propably the main reason. O.o but well, now i have to get into bed. tomorrow early up again to go shopping some things i really need. and i go to see the game store they have opened here in the next city to where my parents live (i'm now staying at theirs for christmas eve and on christmas day i fly back to Germany for a few days).

good night, and Happy Holidays! (plus a song for those who can't stand the christmas carols anymore :)

fire

2010-12-20T14:53:00.000+02:00

13.12. there's a fire burning inside me, eating, consuming me. everytime i see your brethren it grows to swallow me whole. and yet are you the only one to calm me, cool and dark, soothing the fire. i'm changing, and can't stop it. don't even want to stop it. should i live in the past? or follow you to the unseen future? 17 years i could live without making decision, now it gets closer every day by day. things must change. i will burn to ashes this way. will you give me power to move on? will you be my future, become my new past, satisfy the thirst in my present? ó_ò

20.12. still burning. massive restlessness. movies make it worse. sedatives hardly work. guess i'm not going to update here in x-mas time. gonna read The Blood Angels Omnibus on holiday, spend time with family, try to remain calm, get enough sleep, use internet when i have the possibility to do it every day. Seasons Greeting and Happy New Year to anyone who happens to come here!

gardens of darkness

2010-12-09T13:57:00.000+02:00

Seed is talking to me. keeping up the connection.
calming and soothing.
in the dark all the stress of the past days disappear.
it's just you and me.
i want to show you love and care. as that is what you're giving me.
and you will never leave, never turn your back to me.
so i will always be there, on your side.
and whenever this all comes to an end we face it together.
no fear.

notes in chaos

2010-11-16T14:44:00.000+02:00

jotenkin en osannut edes kaivata suomenkielisiä käyttöohjeita. mut vedenkeittimen käyttöohjetta kaipasin, ja ne löytyi sitten molemmat kasasta valkoisia kyselypapereita minne kumpikaan ei kuulu. ilmeisesti siinä siivousaktissa sittenkin meni jotain pieleen vaikka päällepäin näyttää onnistuneen. täytyy tarkistaa muitakin paikkoja.

tänään muun muassa luvassa erillisen liitäntäpalkin liittäminen läppäriin ja kokeilu jos se myös auttaisi kuumenemisongelmaan. ja tietysti sikakalliiden ja -painavien kauppakassien raahaaminen kotiin.

Seed.. (ekat (huonot) kuvat)

2010-11-13T13:17:00.000+02:00

..eli 7 vuoden unelma toteutui. :)

12.11.10 14:02-15:22 siivosin loppuun. tavarat "oikeille" paikoilleen, bzw. johonkin pois näkyvistä. sen jälkeen otin siivotusta kämpästä kuvia. kaikki piti ottaa salamalla, täällä ei ole luonnonvalo minkään väärti, ja salamallakin ne tärähti melkein kaikki. vttu. on siinä 2 sellaista jotka otin ilman salamaa sellaisena hetkenä kun pilvenraosta tuli ihan vähän aurinko esiin ja makuuhuoneessa näki eteensä. toisen kanssa tuin kameraa polveen ja tulos oli ok. niissä vaan jouduin käyttämään taustana pussilakanaa joka ei ole mun oma. se on sieltä missiokodista missä asuin lokakuun. mut pääsen noista kamoista eroon ensi viikolla.

tietysti tässäkin koneella valonpuute on ongelma, koska on vaikea arvioida kuvien terävyyttä kun on pelkkä luonnonvalo huoneessa taustalla enkä ole vielä tottunut tähän LCD-näyttöön. vanha kuvaputki-silmä kun olen. laitan enivei kämppäkuvia meilinä joillekin ihmisille kun pääsen nettiin taas huomenna kirjastossa, ja nuo seuraavat tänne.

purkasin paketin jo itseasiassa ostopäivän iltana 10.11. mutta koska silloin oli valo-olosuhteet surkeaakin surkeammat niin sekotan nyt uudempia ja vanhempia kuvia tässä (erittäin simppelissä) "unpacking" -osuudessa. niiden laatu on silti yhäkin paska, ja joudun ehkä odottamaan ensi kesää ennen kun saan kunnollisia kuvia :P koska toi mun halpiskamera ei vaan pysty parempaan pimeään vuodenaikaan. ja sitten vielä, en pysty pienentämään otettuja kuvia mitenkään koska ei ole mitään kuvaohjelmaa, ja täydessä koossa ne luonnollisesti ovat hiton epäteräviä. riittää varmaan kun ne katselee sen kokoisina kuin ne blogissa näkyvät.

[note: kuvissa näkyvät kalusteet ei ole mun vaan oli asunnossa valmiina, heivaan ne pois heti kun saan hankittua omia. partioaitta-pussikaan ei ole mun, kannoin vaan siinä kaks pakettia postista kotiin. tämä huomio siksi että inhoan sitä jos joudun käyttämään muiden tavaroita taustalla kuvissani jotka kuitenkin meinaan julkaista jossain blogissani. en halua että ihmiset saavat ehkä minusta vääränlaisen kuvan sellaisten kamojen takia. :P]

Marui P90, 299 euroa, kotiin tuotuna tän näköinen:

boksi näyttää ulkoapäin tältä. tämä on tän päivän kuva ja siinä näkyy mun outo mielenhäiriössä ostettu hippipäiväpeitto jota on pidettävä koska mustat lakanat kerää saatanasti pölyä:

tää on sitten eka avauskerta, salamalla otettu kuten näkyy. keittiön päävalo on yhtä tyhjän kanssa:

juu, ja vikat kuvat tän päivän valoisimpaan aikaan otettuja ja tärähtäneitä jos katsoo yhtään lähempää. mut parempaa ei nyt sitten ole odotettavissa varmaan enää tänä vuonna ellen saa houkuteltua 800 euron kameran omistavaa kaveriani tänne jalustan kanssa.. :) tolta etäisyydeltä ei salamalla saa kuin paskaa, ainakaan minä en saanut, mutta jatkan kyllä yrittämistä kun saan hankittua tänne vähän lisää lamppuja:

käyttöohje on japanglish:iä, eli japanilaisten englanniksi kääntämä ilman englantia äidinkielenään puhuvan tulkin apua.. joo, olen lukenut sellaista aiemminkin ja ne pistää usein aivon koville, oli teema mikä hyvänsä.

kädet tärisee kaiken aikaa mutta on toiveissa että se lakkaisi joskus eikä kestäisi kuukausitolkulla. se alkoi 3 vkoa sitten uudestaan mutta sitä ennen oli joidenkin kuukausien tauko. en tajua mikä sen laukaisee, stressikö vai mikä, välillä ne vapisee kuin horkkatautisella ja välillä ei yhtään. se vaan on sitten niin että nyt just ei tehdä yhtään mitään motorisesti vaativaa hommaa. paitsi kokkaamista vois yrittää. oon elellyt 2 kk pikaruualla ja eineksillä O-o ja ne alkaa kyllästyttää. viljatuotteita ei saa kurkusta alas, kokeilen huomenna riisiä meniskö se. leivät joutui pistää pakastimeen kun ei pystynyt syömään. :P

tää päivä oli ikäänkuin "lepopäivä", pyykkiä pitää vielä pestä myöhemmin. huomenna Selloon isomman luokan kauppareissulle. saa nähdä miten sitten pistää kädet hanttiin kasseja ja imuria raahatessa. mut vähitellen alkaa tänne kertyä kaikki kodin perustavarat. tuleva kämppikseni vaikutti ihmiseltä joka tulee viettämään paljon aikaa omassa huoneessaan joten mä voin sitten oleskella tässä keittiö-olohuoneessa kuten ennenkin. tää pöytä nyt edes suunnilleen soveltuu läppärin käyttöön yms. no, nyt on pakko tehdä paistettua nuudelia ja syödä. aamupala koostui kahdesta keitetystä mini size -kananmunasta ja siitä on jo 5,5 tuntia. 4 tunnin välein pitäs syödä.. varsinkin sit kun saa viimein hankittua sen salikortin ja alkaa käydä tossa tien toisella puolella pari kertaa viikossa virkistämässä muistia lihaskunnon ylläpidosta.. palaillaan.

let's grow some Mana :)

2010-09-24T19:13:00.000+03:00

Settlers 4 -pelissä joka kansalla on sodassa käytettävissä myös manaa eli taikavoimaa. taikoja tekevät papit, joita "sikiää" temppelistä muistaakseni noin 10 kappaletta. jos tapattaa ne kaikki joutuu rakentamaan uuden temppelin.

no enivei, manaa "tehdään" pikkutemppeleissä joissa tyyppi uhraa alkoholia jumalille. siitä on jo hetki kun viimeksi pelasin (2008) joten en muista oliko se niin että tarvitaan 8 pulloa jotta saataisiin 1 manayksikkö. alkoholia varten roomalaiselle on rakennettava viinitila. viinitila tuottaa rypäleistä itse viinin, ei tarvita tislaamoa. viikinki muistaakseni tarvii tislaamon jossa hunajasta valmistetaan metiä eli hunajaviiniä. jokaista met-pulloa varten tarvitaan yksi ämpäri vettä ja yksi purkki hunajaa. maya tarvitsee myöskin tislaamon ja homma sujuu samoin kuin viikingillä, paitsi että hunajan sijasta käytetään agavemehua. sitä taas saadaan agavefarmilta jossa se kasvaa ja kypsyy, leikataan ja puristetaan mehuksi. agavefarmi näyttää tältä:

tykkäsin pelata tätä erityisesti talous-asetuksella jossa ei kilpailla sodassa vaan siinä kuka saa ekana tietyn määrän tiettyjä raaka-aineita kokoon. tietysti voi siinä voitettuaan jatkaa peliä ja hyökätä naapureiden kimppuun ja lahdata ne ylivoimaisen talouden mahdollistamalla ylivoimaisella armeijalla.. jokainen uusi peli oli uusi yritys luoda täydellinen ja virheettömästi toimiva talous jossa kasvu on loputon kunnes kaikki viholliset on tapettu ja kaikki mahdolliset koristeet rakennettu ja varastot täytetty kullalla. ja siis manaa on niin paljon että voi tehdä "ihmeen" kymmenen kertaa peräkkäin.

vaikeustasoa säädin muistaakseni vain sillä kuinka paljon tarvikkeita ja väkeä oli aloituksessa käytettävissä, jos valitsee pienimmän määrän niin kehityksen on syytä luistaa kuin rasvattuna tai tulee tapetuksi varhaisessa vaiheessa. ainakin helpolla vaikeustasolla tekoäly on aika pöljää, mutta vaikeammalla ne tulee päälle heti kärkeen, ja lisäosat kuten New World oli mulle aivan liian haastavia. jäin jumiin ekaan tehtävään siellä joella enkä sitten jaksanut yrittää sitä tuhatta kertaa. samoin Amerikkojen valloittaminen tyssäsi siihen ettei taloutta saanut kasvuun tarpeeksi nopeasti (koska viikinkien karkottaminen Euroopasta kesti aivan luvattoman liian kauan) ja mayat oli jo kerenneet kansoittaa joka läntin ettei sinne voinut enää edes laskea maihin (semminkin kun sotilaat voi purkaa laivasta vain yksi laiva kerrallaan), ne tapettiin sitä mukaa kun niitä sinne lykkäsi.

no, olipa kiva kumminkin muistella yhteisiä aikoja.. sitä kakkosta olen myös pelannut mielelläni, lähinnä niitä karttoja missä saa rauhassa levittäytyä minne lystää. siinähän sotiminen oli enemmän onnen kauppaa kuin että mikään taktiikka olisi purrut. ja ne ukkelit liikkuu v ä h ä n hitaasti. O.o

voisi myös sanoa että juuri nuo pelit on opettaneet perus-taloudesta eli raaka-aineiden ja ruuan hankinnasta ja kasvatuksesta ja jalostuksesta enemmän kuin mikään koulu, ja noiden tietojen pohjalta oli mahdollista luoda esim. tarinaani Liekkiin uskottava talousjärjestelmä. :) ne myös herättivät jonkinlaisen peruskiinnostuksen maatalouteen, riistan ja kalojen hankintaan. Baijerissa jossa asuin 10 vuotta kaikki nämä olivat hyvin laajalti läsnä ja esillä, se kun on maaseutua kauneimmillaan. olen myös biomaatalouden kannattaja, mutta ikävä kyllä vaikka se Euroopassa saisikin jalansijaa nykyistä enemmän jalostajat suosivat halpoja raaka-aineita esim. Kiinasta ja Itä-Euroopasta missä yhä käytetään vahvoja hyönteismyrkkyjä ja lannoitteita. on myös vaikea todistaa etteikö Valion "ei geenimuunneltu" maito sittenkin käyttäisi ravintokasveina halpaa vehnää Aasiasta tms. ja sitten nämä suklaat jne. joissa on Luomu-lätkä päällä vaikka itseasiassa vain yksi vähäinen ainesosa on luomuviljeltyä. O__o

no se siitä. itseasiassa mulle tuli nyt deja vu, olen käynyt tämän täsmälleen saman jutun läpi aiemminkin. O__o

my heart is made of steel

2010-09-08T22:56:00.003+03:00

juu monta hyvääkin ideaa ja projektia joutuu kuoppaamaan ihan tahtomattaankin. niinkuin varmaan joudun tuon Elixirin. tällä hetkellä oireet ja lääkitys on molemmat niin voimakkaita ettei jaksa oikeen muuta kuin selviytyä päivästä toiseen. lisäksi joudun varmaan piankohta taas netittömäksi kun joudun täältä lähtemään.

luin eilen noita Black Libraryn kirjanäytteitä. 40K ja Blood Angels. siis ne oli yllättävän mukaansatempaavia. vaikka englantini on tosi pahasti ruosteessa ja alkuun tekstiä oli vaikea ymmärtää. harkintaan menee kiinnostaako tarpeeksi ostamiseen. tarvin sanakirjan enivei ja olen ilmeisesti saamassa äidiltä sellaisen. suomi-englanti & englanti-suomi, ja isot vielä. se olisi kiva. mullahan oli Saksassa vielä suomi-englanti-vaaleansininen iso mutta sitä en saa nyt tähän hätään. se painaa liikaa että voisi lähettää.

panin sen Oni-nimen jäihin. eli pitää ajatella sitä kunnolla ensin. Seed kuulostaa tällä hetkellä paremmalta sittenkin. (for Marui P90). muutenkin ajattelu alkoi nyt vasta tuottaa tulosta asuntoasiassa. eli aika pitkä johto menee ajattelukeskuksesta sinne missä oikeasti tajutaan jotain. :P mutta parempi myöhään kuin ei milloinkaan.

laitoin nyt illalla tota vanhempaa Orkideaa soimaan pitkästä aikaa. Unityn ajoilta settejä. kattelin iltapäivällä The Punisherin minkä ostin jostain alelaarista viime kuun lopussa, ja illalla Appleseedin. nyt vasta pystyy tällä koneella kattomaan kopiosuojattuja dvd:itä. parempi myöhään... joo joo. jatkan kattelua ensi viikolla. huomenna menen bussilla (ekaa kertaa bussilla) Kouvolaan ja olen sillä seudulla sunnuntaihin.

vähän arveluttaa tuo vierailu vanhempien luona. tiedä sitten mitä ne taas alkaa vittuilla. täytyy sitten vaan sanoa että jos ne ei puutu mun asioihin niin mäkään en puutu niitten asioihin. se ei kuulu niille pätkääkään. en aio niille sanoa edes diagnoosin päivittämisestä, ellei ne vartavasten kysy. ne vaan pelästyy lisää ja tilanteet kiristyy entisestään. mut joo, täytyy alkaa mennä nukkumaan. en olisi nukkunut enää kuukausiin ilman lääkkeitä, joten ihan hyvä että sain ton K:n. D ei ole vielä paljon vaikuttanut ja annosta varmaan nostetaan ensi viikolla, tai seuraavalla. ja sitä on oikeasti pakko syödä. jos se auttaa ylipäätään yhtään. entinen lääkäri sanoi että ne porukat on musta vastuussa joten olis hyvä vaan sitä syödä. voisin kuvitella että jos kieltäydyn joudun pakkohoitoon koska olen vaarallinen itselleni ja muille. mut oikeesti hei, ei noi lääkkeet sitä vaaraa poista.

juu, petiin. bye.

indeed

2010-03-24T14:31:00.002+02:00

jotenkin alkaa tuntua että alan vähitellen löytää itseni. ja löysin myös muuta: tuolla bannerissa on jäänyt valkoinen laikku tankin taustaa joka oli valkoinen ennen kuin poistin sen ja liimasin tuohon pohjan päälle. arvatkaapa vituttaako? no vituttaa. mutta en pysty korjaamaan tilannetta, korkeintaan voin vaihtaa tänne toisen pohjan eli Dark Era 2:n joka on levylla mukana.

mutta kerronpa tässä tästä yhdestä projektista jota olen vähän kehitellyt.

blogi, joka keskittyy lähinnä elektroniseen musiikkiin, peleihin ja teknologiaan. wordpressiin tai johonkin, kumminkin pohjaa pitäisi pystyä muokkaamaan. sen nimeksi tulisi näillänäkymin Elixir, sitä kirjottaisi monta henkilöä omalla nimellään (etunimi riittää) ja päivittyisi toivon mukaan vähintään kerran viikossa. peleistäkirjottajia voisin saada IRL-kavereista, muita toivottavasti netin kautta. mitään dataa eikä blogia ei ole vielä olemassa, kaikki on vain ideatasolla tällä hetkellä. ei ole nettiä itellä (olen täällä kirjaston koneelta), joten toteutus tökkisi jos pitäisi julkisten apuun turvautua. kuvia saa laittaa, jos ne on itseotettuja. artikkelit voi kirjottaa ihan vapaalla, omalla tyylillään, mitään yhtenäistä yhteistä tyyliä niihin ei tarvitse olla. arvosteluissa voi kertoa oman mielipiteensä, mutta mielellään asiallisesti. kiroilua ei sensuroida mutta sen olisi hyvä pysyä minimissä. haluaisin myös saada mainosta tästä mahdollisimman moneen paikkaan, eli kaikkien kanssakirjottajien blogeihin tai nettisivuille ja mahdollisesti IRL jonnekin. jos esim. tulostaa tarroja ja liimailee niitä kaikkialle. jotn sellasta.

jos joku tän nyt täällä lukee ja kiinnostuu, ja on jonkinsortin asiantuntija jollain noista teema-alueista, niin minuun voi ottaa yhteyttä @ dottyveda@yahoo.de.

silleen tämä ei ole mikään maanisen periodin ilmakupla tai nopeasti tyhjenevä kaasupallo, vaan blogiin voi laittaa oikeasti materiaalia monilta tahoilta, se kehittyy kehittäjiensä kehittyessä (!) eikä siihen tule päivityskatkosta vain jos ei itse jaksa tai pysty päivittämään. olettaen ettei sellaista tilannetta tule kaikille yhtä aikaa. O_o yksi ajatus oli myös että kirjottajat laittaisivat myös linkkejä kiinnostaviin muiden tekemiin (esim. lehdet tai yksityishenkilöt) artikkeleihin tms. aihepiiristä. videot ym. kelpaavat myös.

no, eiköhän tää nyt riitä syväjäädytetylle blogille.. alkaa hiukoa joten menen joko kotiin syömään puuroa tai hankin täältä Omenasta jotain. ensin vaan tsekkaa mitä lompakosta löytyy vai löytyykö mitään, millä ostaa. O.o bye!

fallout 3 wallpaper for share

2010-02-23T17:15:00.003+02:00

tää on otettu MSN-sivulta joskus joulukuussa tjtn kun siel oli peleistä taustakuvia, ja laitan tän tänne koska se on niin söpö. ^^

olen kyllästynyt toiseen blogiini, mut olen pannut tän jäähylle siihen asti että on aikaa ja pahin stressi on ohi, eli kunnes saan asunnon ja sinne netin. toivottavasti ensimmäinen maaliskuun loppuun mennessä ja toinen huhtikuun loppuun mennessä. we will see. eli tekohengitystä ja tipan tää blogi saa vasta myöhemmin. jäädytän ensi viikon lopulla myös muut blogini ja kaiken nettiaktiviteettini keinotekoiseen talviuneen. henkisestä muutosta ei voi oikeastaan puhua, mutta teen muuttoilmoituksen heti 8.3. kun pääsen liikkeelle, ja fyysinen muutto tapahtuu whenever joskus huhti-toukokuussa.

henkinen muutto tapahtui oikeastaan jo 2 vuotta sitten kun olin parin viikon talvilomalla Suomessa. sen jälkeen kaikki toimet ovat tähdänneet fyysiseen muuttoon. ..tai sitten se tapahtuu vasta joskus pitkän ajan päästä kun olen täysin irrottautunut tulevasta exästä.

hauskaa pääsiäistä. bye.

UUSI ULKOASU

2010-02-08T21:58:00.003+02:00

ja kokeilu samalla miltä näyttää jos otsikot laittaa vastedes isoilla kirjaimilla.

bannerin tekoon meni yllättävän lyhyt aika koska kaikki elementit oli jo valmiina koneella. yhteensovittamiseen noin 1,5 tuntia. bannerin tausta voisi olla hieman vielä tummempi. kokeilen sitä ehkä myöhemmin jos alkaa rassata.

ajattelin että yritän saada tähän blogiin ainakin vielä tällä hetkellä enemmän tällaista laiteasiaa yms. ehkä linkkejä.. jotain sellasta. the most perfect silence is when there's no need to explain. jos olisin yksin tässä kämpässä voisin juoda vielä kolmannen rb:n ja jatkaa noita bannereita sekä katsella niitä linkkejä tänne. mutta en ole.

tällä hetkellä epäilys on jälleen hiipinyt pääkoppaani ja vaikuttaa siltä että maaliskuun joudun elämään ilman nettiä, ja ilman tietokonetta ylipäätään. on vaakalaudalla se läppärin osto. miksi hitossa en iskenyt kynsiäni siihen Stockmannin tarjoukseen joulun pyhinä? se ei olisi silloin maksanut minulle pennin hyrrää! purisin itseäni persuksiin jos ylettäisin.

joo, nyt katson vielä päivityksiä ja menen sit olohuoneeseen pitämään seuraa siinä määrin kuin se on mahdollista kun samalla kuuntelee poissaolevana musiikkia.. bye.

beast

2010-01-30T22:07:00.003+02:00

"man is a rope. tied between beast and overman."

i'm closer to beast.

köyden alapäässä siis. lähempänä helvetin elikoita & muita sarvipäisiä. padolla nähtiin peuran jäljet. kaviojäljet. tämä oli nälkäinen ajatus josta puolet unohtui McDonaldsille päästyä eikä muistunut mieleen mahan täyttymisestä huolimatta. eikä sittenkään kun nuggetit oli sulatettu ja nälkä palasi.

vitutus saattaisi laimeta ottamalla asioista selvää mutta ahdistus sitoo pääni olemaan ottamatta asioista selvää hyvissä ajoin, sabotoi prosessia. lääkäriinkin pitäisi taas raahautua. kuvablogiin tulossa kuvia huomenna.

shadowbound

2010-01-12T17:30:00.003+02:00

slow as the heaven turning
cold as the winter's night
my heart, lost

blood, deep inside, hiding
in the last sparkle of fire
last sparkle of life

inside my head only darkness.

i feel nothing
i'm shadowbound.

(AST120110)

--
tämän blogin pitäisi kuvata uutta eraa, mutta en tiedä mitä se kuvaa nyt. kaikki on pysähdyksissä ja taivaalla roikkuvat lumipilvet. jos edes tuntisi ahdistusta tai jotain, mutta ei, sisällä vallitsee vain ikuinen pimeys.

eipä taida tulla tähtiin tähyilystä tänään mitään.. O.o no tähystellään sitten vaan kallon sisäisiä pimeyden sfäärejä, saattaa niissäkin jokin kaukainen valo pilkahtaa.

test :P

2009-09-24T16:40:00.001+03:00

tämä blogi aktivoidaan alkaen 1.1.2010. siihen asti jatkan kirjottelua varjoblogissa. osotteen saa sähköpostitse tai vahtaamalla kommenttejani muissa blogeissa.

palaillaan!

-ill.